Everyone Else
by E's My Brand Of Heroin
Summary: I always thought marriage was forever.  It's not something I take lightly.  Rose and I always joked about how people got divorced because they were "not happy" anymore.  Our response? "Well get happy."  Even if it means having an affair?
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

A/N: I have to give props to Emmy at the ppss for posting some "picsperations" and even though she never got it directly because it took me too long and took on a life of it's own, she was still my awesome inspiration.

* * *

_Stop smiling, stop smiling, stop smiling._

I looked like a total idiot but I just couldn't make my face look normal. The last time I did this I was in the 7th grade with the most ridiculous out-of-my-league-crush, Riley Biers. So that would make me what? Twelve? Here I am 33, married, with two children and I look like a feckin retarded fangurl. _Suck in the gut, shoulders back. Oh God, do I have underwear lines? Like he gives a shit._

I so wished my inner monologue would shut the fuck up. I don't know what I'm stressing about. 1) He would never even look this direction. 2) Even if he did, he wouldn't give two shits about me. _Oh God, he's coming out. Oh God, where's his shirt! Don't people have to wear shirts here! I think it's law or something!_

And so I kept walking on the treadmill trying to pick up the pace without looking like I was clearly out of shape. But look at that body. Holy Hell. He is so definitely in shape._ I don't even like six packs_ (yeah, keep telling yourself that; it might be the only way you have sex with your husband again.) No, really. I want ogle that body and denigrate it to a piece of man meat, and touch it and lick it, and...

"Ooof!" I. Want. To. Die.

"Ma'am? Are you alright?"

The term "Ma'am" made me cringe internally. As I lay there on the ground at the end of whirring treadmill I wished I was wearing a scarf so it could get caught and strangle the utter humiliation out of me. I swallowed hard and looked up. _Psshh. This is stupid. I'm not a kid with a crush. I'm a grown woman. An UNAVAILABLE grown woman!_

I took a minute to collect myself, put on a half no-big-deal and half I'm-so-cool-this-isn't-even-awkward smile, and took his out stretched hand. As I worked my way up it wasn't Mr. Shouldn't-he-be-wearing-a-shirt's six pack (that I don't like) that first caught my eyes, it was the V. The one that doesn't really exist on any man especially my very married to husband. His gym shorts were low enough that I could clearly see the V and I bet if I put my fingers in to the waistband of said shorts, there would be a little gap between it and where his hip bones were hiding. The only thing that kept me from presently pulling on those shorts was his buddy standing not two feet away.

"I uh, yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. Thank you. I can't believe I seriously just fell off a treadmill. I'm pretty sure that only happens in movies."

"Can't say I've seen it before myself, but it didn't look as though you were going too fast." He gave me a little tug and I finished righting myself.

"Awesome. You saw both." The stupid smile would not leave my face and I was positive I looked even more stupid sucking my lips in to try and make it go away. I took a deep breath and turned to walk away. Hopefully, I could still get off thinking of that V and not cockblock myself with reminders of how incredibly embarrassing my first meeting went with Mr. Porntastic. I wanted to end this before I could further make a fool out of myself. After all, I might not be a gym rat, but I still came here often enough that I would most likely see him again.

"I'm sorry?" Mr. Porn's dark eyebrows shrugged together. "Did you say something? I didn't quite catch that last bit there."

Oh God the voice! He seriously needs to stop talking. If I could just walk away and not pay attention to his crazy, shiny hair, or his sweaty, chest with those fuckawesome tight pecs where the sweat is dripping down in between on a yummy trail bound for those abs that would surely have no problem lifting me up...

"What?" I asked, blinking hard and orienting myself to reality. "Oh, both yeah. I was just mentioning how psyched I was that you not only saw me fall, which was great, but that you saw that I fell while essentially walking." I bobbed my head up and down in acknowledgment and most definitly looked like an idiot.

Still looking confused, Mr. Porn's mouth tugged up at the corners and he bit into his full, fleshy bottom lip as he understood what I was going on about. I couldn't figure out if he was embarrassed for me or for having being caught watching me before I actually hit the floor.

"No, no," he shook his head and gave me a slight smile with his lips pressed together, "I, it's um," he closed his very pretty eyes, "I've just started here as a trainer and thought maybe you would like some help?"

_Oh. _That would be the only reason he looked. Probably scouting for the mom types with bellies, and fat arms, and red puffy, straining faces. Gah! Is that how I look? Like I need help? He just needs clients. Well, what the hell. I'm not doing so hot on my own and it would give me a reason to see him three times a week.

******** Two Weeks and Six Visits Later********

"Come on Bella you're doing a great job. Give me some more."

I was on my back with the bar overhead. My pushup bra kept my boobs pointing upward despite gravity. With each release of the bar I pushed my chest a little further. I had stopped wearing those horrid sports bras and got a little excited to match the fun colors with all my new work out clothes (I didn't want Hottie McPorn to see me in the same outfit twice!)

"Oh, I'll give it to you alright."

The easy light flirting had started from day one and kept going from there. For the most part it was no big deal as he knew I was married and had even seen my husband a few times at the gym. Sometimes though, I enjoyed really pushing him. When I would get a little more aggressive, he would revert and become shy. Who would have known? This gorgeous man, with an orgasm inducing voice, and a sick body got shy and gentlemanly when embarrassed.

Despite the obvious sexual tension between us, I felt really comfortable with him. He was forceful and pushy and sweet and encouraging all at the same time. We talked about how we had grown up in the same town, but didn't know each other (seeing as how I was 9 years older than him!) We talked about college and work and family, which eventually led to talking about my family. It wasn't too personal. You know? Emotional affair personal, so it was harmless. At least, that's what I kept telling myself every time I'd complain about my husband to him.

When the family found out that Rosalie had had an affair, no one blamed her. In fact, we were all surprised she hadn't done it sooner. Royce was an ass. He barely provided for his family, had a drug problem, was a total jerk to her and their children, the list went on. And she had stayed with him for nearly 18 years. So when Rose finally decided to leave Royce and began bringing Emmett around no one really minded. Even though we're all crazy, he actually wanted to be around the family. Even Alice, my sister in law, who is very anti divorce, welcomed Emmett and was glad to be rid of the tension surrounding Royce.

But Jake, well, Jake wasn't Royce. Sure we had our problems. He drove me crazy with his bike obsession and we struggled financially, a lot. And he drank, way more than I wished he did, but all in all, he was a good man. He helped out with our children and put up with my crazy, he said he was sorry even when the fight was probably my fault. He spent time with my family and helped out my parents and he supported me in pretty much whatever I wanted to do, like writing and going to the gym.

As my workouts went on I felt more confident in my body and in myself. I always thought I was pretty and definitely didn't look like other women my age. I sure as hell didn't look 21, but for the most part I always thought I could pass for under 30. My dark hair came just to my nipples and my long bangs swept off to the side. Sometimes I'd wear my hair up showing off my tattoos from my college days but often I'd start with it down. The muscles in my back and shoulders were strong and tight. Pulling my locks into a ponytail really emphasized it. My waist was narrow and my breasts were full with great cleavage (not without a Very Sexy VS bra, but who's counting?) At 5 foot 2 I supposed I was pretty average in every way. I think I used to be a lot prettier. Like traffic stopping, jaw dropping, random guys coming on to me gorgeous. I was also twenty pounds lighter then and probably drunk a lot. I also wore a lot less clothes. Maybe that was the difference. Either way, after two cesareans and breast feeding, lets just say I looked a lot better with my clothes on.

So I flirted with very pretty porn trainer, eh, personal trainer, but knew that he wouldn't reciprocate and probably saw me as a less hot version of whatever cougar is currently popular in tinsel town. I assumed he had a girlfriend although he never spoke of one. To say I was surprised one day while doing leg presses would be an understatement. Mr. PT had me upping my weight and stood near my shoulders as I pushed the now painfully heavy plate.

"Uhhhhhh! Fuuuuuuck"

My moan was loud and breathy and totally necessary to get my legs extended. I wouldn't have even thought a thing about it as we were in the lower and less populated portion of the gym if it weren't for Mr. PT's reaction. Having just finished my set I let my head loll to the right with my eyes closed. I panted with my lips parted and worked on lowering my erratic heartbeat. When I opened my eyes I saw the tented red basketball shorts right at eye level. Or, mouth level as it was. I involuntarily licked my lips pushing the strained breaths out. My heavy breathing was the only sound. I trailed my way up his body, not sure of what I would find when I got to the top. I was nervous and could feel that things had suddenly changed. He made no attempt to hide his erection or move it out of my face.

As my face worked it's way up, he was working his gaze down. He leaned his left arm across my body and reached for something behind me. Suddenly, the back portion of the machine slid down further and my legs were pushed towards my body and my feet rested near my bottom as if I were practically squatting in an exam chair while on my back. He stayed leaning over me with just the slightest bit of weight touching my chest. I think that's when my brain shut off. At least part of it did. The part that hadn't shut off wasn't exactly doing a whole lot though.

Peeking out from behind my conscience it mumbled, "Um, wait. Stop this here. Far enough."

But it was so hard to hear the whispering over the pounding blood in my ears. Surely he would stop without me telling him. We were at the gym, in public, oh, and I'M MARRIED. But he didn't. He leaned into my right ear and just stayed. Letting his warm, soft breath work me up.

"I want you Bella. I want you so fucking bad. I know you can't, but can you just stay here for a minute? Don't move. I want my body to memorize yours. I want to feel you under me and see you with your legs spread open. Your little body is so hot and tight. I can feel you trembling from here."

His words were hot and wet and soft and slippery. If I didn't move, maybe he would keep talking. Then I wouldn't have done anything wrong, right? _Oh God, I'm wet._ I clenched my inner muscles and released over and over again. I haven't felt this turned on (with another real live person) in sooo long. _Please touch me, please touch me. Just brush your hand against my sides, lick my nipples, stroke my kitty! _My brain and body were screaming with need.

Still hovering at my ear he whispered, "I can't ask you to do anything now. I'll understand if you don't want to continue our sessions although I think I'll be devastated. But if you still want a harder workout," he emphasized the word harder by pushing his cock into my hip, "take my last appointment tomorrow night. Please. I have to go. I'm a total jerk and an even bigger a-hole but I'll take it that since you haven't slapped me I wasn't completely out of line. I mean, I know, I'm completely out of line, but, but, I can't help it."

And with that he walked away from me. I was in a total daze and wasn't even quite sure if had really happened or not.

I picked up the kids from the daycare and walked to my car. My son was babbling about Thomas the Train and my little girl had fallen asleep. It was easy in Rose's case. We all knew how miserable my sister was. We all knew that the children hated him and that they would all be better off without him. Although I wasn't really happy in my marriage, I wasn't necessarily unhappy either. It was fine. I did my day to day as did Jake. I encouraged him to go to La Push and visit his father and brothers often. I rarely said anything when he spent entire days and evenings out in the woods because then we wouldn't have to fight. Basically, he just annoyed me. Our sex life sucked to say the least. He was a selfish lover with little imagination or skill. There were times I questioned if he had any clue of female anatomy. It was better when we were younger but I think most of that was my nievity and discomfort with sex in general. I mostly just faked it all but I thought that's just what women did. I actually thought my friends were exaggerating when they talked about orgasms. Turns out my sister wasn't really the one to talk to when it came to sex. Even when I did try and talk to him about it though, he just got defensive.

It wasn't that I wanted to divorce Jake. He was a good father and good husband for the most part. I'm sure I could have done worse. We had two cars and a comfortable apartment. We couldn't afford vacations or any extras, but it was fine. I wasn't a material person. He wasn't romantic in the least and even when he tried it seemed forced and lame. But maybe I was just a bitch. And I know I didn't look so hot, but at least I had two small children. He had just let himself go. What used to be the hottest body I had every seen was now doughy and hairy. Most of the time it didn't really matter how my body looked though as he didn't really see it. He would be just as happy to pull my pants down to my knees and get his dick wet. And from what I saw of Mr. PT, Jake's was average but it was lacking in quality and I could only fantasize, quantity.

I had no intention of leaving Jake for Mr. Porntastic but he was offering me a bit of hot, young, and hard fucking. Something I hadn't had in years. And while I was definitely against an affair, I had lately begun to feel that the idea of sexual monogamy was not just old fashion, but ancient. After all, it was a man made concept and not really natural. Even animals that "mate for life" still have other sexual partners. With the exception of some species of vultures, but really, is that who you want to base your fidelity on?

I was turning myself inside out. So he had a big cock. And he was 24. And he was in peak physical condition. And his words alone had me soaking my panties. So what? Could I live with myself after? Would I feel so guilty it would tear me up? Would it be worth knowing that I was an adultering whore? _One time doesn't make me an adultering whore, right?_ It makes me human. And a sexual being. _Oh God! Am I really considering this?_

I made it home unscathed, surprisingly. I walked in with the kids to a mess of a kitchen, laundry piled up and my husband on the computer- again. Oh, did I forget to mention he up and quit his job two months ago because he "wasn't happy?" Yeah, so he was home all the time and my house was still a disaster and I was still in charge of the children. It took everything I had in me to not start a fight.

"Hey," I said nonchalantly as I put down my gym bag. "Looking for jobs?"

"Really? That's what you start with? You know I'm just waiting to hear back from that place."

"No, I know. Just wondering." _Smile, don't be a bitch. Not worth it. _"So um, I've got a million things to do. Can you keep an eye on the kids while I jump in the shower?" I asked over my shoulder as I removed my sweaty shirt.

"See?" _Oh God, not this again_. "You wouldn't be able to do all of this without me here."

"Right, well, I can and did before, but since you are here, it's the least you could do."

I tried. I really did. I meant to keep my voice even and indifferent but I know that edge came out. I quickly shut and locked the bathroom door before our "conversation" could escalate. I put my music on turning it down just enough to ask through the door, "Did you have any plans today?"

As soon as he said no, I began texting my best friend.

**We Need To TALK!**  
**-B**

**What's up?**  
**-J**

**Meet me for lunch. You have no choice!**  
**-B**

**Usual t&p?**  
**-J**

**No. I'll pick u up.**  
**-B**

**Sounds serious.**  
**-J**

**Shut up and be ready for 1.**  
**-B**

"What the hell is going on?" Jess asked as she slipped into the passenger seat looking around. "Are we doing a drive by or something?"

Jessica had been my best friend since high school. We had always stayed in touch but since she moved back to Seattle we had become close again. And, despite our age and marital status, sometimes we slipped back into 17 year old girls.

"Kind of."

She gasped, "Riley?" It had been years, but I still liked to hear from time to time what he had been up to. It was Jess though, so I couldn't even bother to be embarrassed. Fortunately she was the only one who knew of my continued interest/obsession.

"No" I stated bluntly taking turn after turn.

"You're taking me to the friggin' gym for lunch!" she shrieked lighting up her cigarette. "Seriously, what is going on?"

"When was the last time you were here?," I gestured to our gym.

"Ages. I'm fat and lazy and avoid that place like the plague. Speaking of which, if we are staking out the gym can we at least go get me a coffee?"

"We are not staking out the gym. We are checking to see if Edward is still working, and if he is you are going in there to grab a new schedule and maybe you forgot something in the locker room."

"Ooooh, your new trainer? Maybe I can see about getting my own session? That might get me back to the gym."

"Shut up. Do NOT talk to him. Just go in there, take a look around, and tell me if it's worth it." I stared straight ahead trying to avoid her stunned gaze.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N- First I want to thank everyone who favorited my story. Every time I got an email I was so excited! So I also know that many more of you are reading this than reviewing *hint, hint* but I figure since you haven't told me it's total crap, for now that's good enough. But I don't want Shayna's review to get lonely. Ok, enough begging.

I have no beta, please feel free to let me know about mistakes.

**Disclaimer: I don't own any rights to Twilight (books or movies). I'm not SM. **

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Jess said nothing to me. She took a few more drags and checked her lip gloss. She was a great friend, but still fairly self-absorbed. She pushed her boobs up and got out of the car.

I can't believe I'm considering this let alone dragging someone else in. _How long has it been? Oh God, she wouldn't talk to him? Would she?_

I loved Jess with all my heart. We survived high school together and college apart. We lived in different states with different lifestyles. We would go months without speaking to each other, sometimes time just slipped away and other times I just avoided her. While I was settling down with Jake, getting my degree, and "growing up," Jess was playing house with jerk after jerk. As much as I wanted to be there for her, I didn't always have the energy to throw her a pity party.

When she met Liam I was frankly relieved. He was older, had a steady job, was close with his family, but most importantly, he made her happy. For once she was with someone who didn't put her down and was apparently okay with her mood swings. I was thrilled for her. Their wedding took place in March and Liam and Jess moved back to the Seattle area a few months later. Since Liam was older I knew he wanted children fairly soon. I assumed Jess did too. I was planning on having my second soon and really wanted us to be pregnant together.

It wasn't that I thought Liam was perfect. No man is. No matter what anyone says. But he was perfect for Jess. She quit her job at marketing firm and was working on being a housewife. Liam's job took him traveling several days a week and it gave Jess and I the perfect chance to reconnect. We go shopping together and out to lunch. Often though, she would come over and hang around my place just talking. We talked about the stupid things our husbands did, our non-existent job searches, her perfect sister, or my miserable sister. I cleaned and prepared dinners for my family while she drank coffee and took cigarette breaks on the porch. As far as I knew we were both happy.

More often than not, our talks began to turn to "remember when?" And although I enjoyed reminiscing there was not a whole lot to dwell on. She had remained my only friend after graduation and it was only thanks to social networking sites that I even had any clue about my fellow classmates. Well, with the exception of Riley. Jess had stayed friends of friends of some of his acquaintances so I occasionally heard about his fabulous wife that he had met in college who was brilliant and beautiful and produced amazingly gorgeous children with him. I was surprised but proud that he had followed his father and gotten into politics. Though not at the forefront, he was still a pretty important person in the senate from what I understood. He had always wanted to be a famous DJ working in massive clubs in exotic locations like Ibiza. It seemed odd for him to be so straight-laced but I think his wife was some sort of a corporate lawyer and it was one of those family expectation sort of things.

Riley was my first love from afar and eventually close up. We never officially "dated" as my parents wouldn't allow it but we were passionately and crazily in love. We stayed up all night talking on the phone often falling asleep to each others breathing. I'm not even sure why now, but it was deep and intense and push and pull and we never quite got it together to be a couple. I suppose that's what happens when you are a stupid teenager. Emotions are unexplainable and we try to make things as difficult as possible for ourselves so we can seem interesting and misunderstood.

Although I never thought I myself would marry Riley, I used to imagine myself wearing a bright red sequined dress or all black with a veil to his wedding to another. I was a bit dramatic back then. However, I was never invited to his and didn't even think to invite him to mine. That was the past and although I enjoyed pretending that he was carrying a torch for me as big as the one I used to hold for him when we were adolescents, I was pretty sure that he had moved on as had I.

It seemed that most of us had. Until Jess moved back. I had known that over the years she and Mike Newton had been in contact. In fact, despite him being married and having two children with Lauren Mallory he had pursued Jess every time he saw her around the holidays. Personally, I thought he was a scum bag. I may not have had much love for Lauren but what he was doing was wrong. And even though I placed the blame more on Mike, Jess wasn't faultless when she made out with him in the bar bathroom. At the time she was single and lonely I suppose so I figured it was just a one time thing.

"You met him where?" I had to leave the room. As it was Jake wasn't exactly fond of Jessica so I didn't need to give him ammunition.

"Shut up! I know. Can you believe we drove all the way to Olympia?" She gushed over the phone like she was talking about a first date, not an illicit affair with a married man.

"Wow. So um, did you...you know?" I danced around the question afraid of the answer.

"Uh, yeah! Why the hell else would I drive all that way? For dinner?"

She seemed almost proud of herself. So I almost felt bad when the words fell out of my mouth, "You slut. He has kids!"

"I know right?"

Apparently she thought I was using the term in a funny, friendly, girlfriend sort of way.

"But he's really unhappy. Lauren is such a bitch. I mean, he loves his kids and all, but she pretty much pushed him into all this family shit what with getting knocked up."

I was suddenly hurt. Hurt for Lauren, hurt for my best friend, hurt for myself as I thought about how it would feel if Jake had said those things about me. I couldn't talk anymore. I didn't want to judge Jess, although in truth, I already had. I didn't want to be mad at her or feel sorry for anyone.

"Uh, Jess, Paul just woke up. We'll talk later." I used my son as my excuse and hoped we wouldn't talk about it again.

* * *

But that was two years ago and it did happen again. Several more times. Including after Jess herself had gotten married. And here I was thinking of doing it myself, to my husband and our children.

When I was younger I said, like many women, if my husband ever cheated on me, I'd take the kids and leave. But, like I said, I was younger, I wasn't married, and I didn't have children and a home and time and money invested in a family. Rosalie told me it just isn't that simple. She had been married for nearly eight years already and had three children with twins on the way.

"Even if Royce is a complete ass at times, and I hate his friends, and we fight," Rose's eyes drifted past me and she sighed heavily. "Look, all I'm saying is that marriage is hard work. Every day. Sometimes it's easier than others, but once you have work and a house and a family and obligations and bills, it's just not that easy to say, 'You hurt me. I'm leaving.' That's why you date first and figure out what you do and don't want. You can break up with a boyfriend. You can pack your bag and go on about your life. But not when you have other things to consider besides yourself."

So at twenty three I took her words seriously. Marriage is forever. Especially once you have children.

* * *

I was broken out of my reminiscing when a cold gust of air hit me from the side.

"Holy Crap! You didn't tell me Edward Freakin' Cullen was your trainer! You have to tell me _everything_ from the beginning."

"Who the eff don't you know?" I was floored and somewhat embarrassed that Jess actually knew my potential marriage wrecker. But I shouldn't have been as she seemed to know everyone.

"Please. We grew up in Forks. It's kind of hard _not_ to know everyone. Besides, my mom was working at the high school when the Cullen's moved to town. I think they were originally from Alaska or something. Rumor has it that Dr. and Mrs. Cullen adopted him but they are all so freaking gorgeous they have to be related. My mom had said that all the girls were after him, but that he pretty much kept to himself. I think she even tried to push Ang on him, but apparently they were both too shy."

Ahhh, good old Mrs. Stanley. Always a wealth of information, or gossip as it were, but still incredibly valuable. "What is your perfect sister up to?" I asked trying to picture Edward in high school.

Although she didn't love talking about Angela necessarily, Jess did love talking about herself and took the bate. "Just graduated with her masters and is living it up in the city. My parent's couldn't be more freaking proud of her," she rolled her eyes and pulled out another smoke. "She has a _fabulously_ expensive apartment and her boyfriend is some big CEO with a _fabulously _wealthy family. You know? The usual. My mother keeps asking me when Liam is going to strike out on his own, get his name out there, or whatever. Clearly she has no clue that the real estate market isn't exactly hopping right now. I keep reminding her that he's just fortunate to have a job. I mean, I think he could be doing more, but I don't need her telling me that.

So, back to Edward."_ Crap._ She remembered. "Obviously I don't know much of anything about him after he left high school. I'm sure she would have loved to, but my mother didn't keep tabs on him then. He's still just as hot though. Only now he's more rugged, more filled out." She raised her eyebrows twice in a suggestive manner.

"You're a perv." I didn't know what else to say. I already knew that he was _much_ younger than myself but now it all seemed more seedy since I had gotten Jess involved. "This is a bad idea."

Jess waved her hand with the cigarette in it around. "Please. You're taking this far too seriously. So what? You have a crush on him. You weren't this upset when you obsessed over Ri-"

"Shut up. Just shut up. I didn't and still don't _obsess_ over anyone. I'm merely curious as to how an old friend is doing once in a while. Give me that." I reached for her cigarette and she lit up another. I hadn't smoked in months and even then it had just been the occasional drag. _Is cheating supposed to be this stressful?_ I hadn't actually even done anything and I wanted to have a xany party and invite the Captain.

I couldn't do this. I finished the cigarette and asked Jess for another.

"So I take it we're not eating? Wanna go get a drink?"

"Fuck it. Yeah. Let me just send Jake a text." So it's not that I _wanted _to lie to him, but there's really no good way to say, "_**Stressed over the** _**possible fidelity of our marriage. Debating if it's worth it to just get plowed by younger, cuter, in better shape, guy. Going for drinks first- Love me**_" Maybe Hallmark does cards._ Instead I might have said something more like, "**Jess is having terrible day *eye roll* will be consoling her for a bit. Love u.**" He knew what a drama queen she could be and as far as he was concerned it was always one thing or another with her and he didn't want to know about any of it. Let the lying begin. _Might as well get used to it._

_

* * *

_

We settled ourselves up at the bar. It was one of the smaller townie bars that the local cops frequented. Since we didn't know any, at least _I _didn't, I wasn't too worried. It was only two in the afternoon but this is a city, someone is always sad, confused, angry, or just trying to avoid life, which is why the place was far from empty. I wasn't quite sure which one I was doing. _You're being ridiculous and totally overthinking this!_

"So what's going on?" Jess gave me an earnest look and I knew this was all about me.

"I love Jake. You know that. He's a good guy. He's a good husband and a good father. He does a hell of a lot more than most men. He doesn't hurt me or the kids, he doesn't go out all night, he would never cheat on me, and he likes my family." _Seriously? Those are your reasons? _I took a sip of my beer and caught the bartenders attention. "Three shots of tequila please." Jess gave me a glance, "Two are for me," I explained.

We sat in silence for a bit and she didn't push anymore.

"This can't be it Jess."

"I know." She bobbed her head. "What the fuck happened to us?"

"I know."

"So, meet a man who doesn't beat you, has a job, spends time with his children, and does the heavy lifting. That's the plan huh?"

"What the fuck happened to us?" I asked back at her.

Jake and I had discussed it. Kind of. I told him that I would probably forgive him and we'd continue with our marriage and he told me that if I ever cheated, he would take the kids and leave. But, realistically, I would get the kids no matter what. We had also discussed that if either of us found someone else, we would end things before we had an affair. But I'm not leaving Jake for a kid. I'm probably not leaving him for anyone, but if I did, it would be someone older, with money and stability. I wanted him to be someone classy and educated, sweet and loving and gentle with the ability to be strong and commanding. Someone I would want my son to grow up to be like and someone I would be happy to have my daughter marry. Jake wasn't it, but I was pretty sure that there were no real men out there like that. For the most part they are all the same. Some just hide it better than others.

I wasn't a material person. God knows I didn't stay with Jake for the money. But I'd like to be able to go on vacation and maybe even buy a house some day. Mostly though I'd like to be able to start my children off into adulthood without all the debt Jake and I had accrued. I had a crisp degree to show for mine though. Jake had some cars that he no longer owned and the memories of several trips to Las Vegas for his. _Gah! I'm starting to sound like Jess! _I should be thankful for all the good things I do have.

I suppose things could have been worse.

After several more beers and even more shots we were a little too drunk to get into the heavy of our "good enough marriages." We moved onto what makes other guys better than our own husbands without actually saying it.

"Fuuuuuck. You should have seen it!" I slurred. "It was soooo fucking big. Seriously? Like that fucker is gonna hurt big!"

"Mike has such a nice dick. And tongue. Oh hell he's good. One time, we met in the Trader Joe's parking lot on his lunch break!" She giggled and snorted and almost spit out her beer apparently thinking of the particular time. "After he finished going down he didn't have enough time to get off himself. He was sooo upset! He's such a pig. But great sex. I don't even have sex with Liam anymore."

"And you should see his stomach." We were having a drunk parallel conversation. "I want to put ice cream on his nipples and hot fudge on his abs and work my way down to his nuts and cherry! Best fucking sundae ever!" I flung my arms out to really get my point across. With that gesture I found myself on my back on the nasty bar floor. But I still couldn't stop laughing. I couldn't even be sure what was so funny anymore.

"You alright? I think I'm gonna go throw up." Jess left me there and several patrons looked over at me.

"I'm good!" I announced, "Cut off, but good!" _Fuck, I can't go home like this! Fuck! What time is it? _My thoughts were all over the place. I was thinking of how pissed Jake would be and wondering what Edward was doing. I thought about the softness of my bed and _how come I'm the one who always has to get up in the morning? Why do you have to get up? Because it's 7:30 in the morning and the kids are up and everyone else in the fucking world who is an adult gets up on a Tuesday morning to start their mother fucking day!_ And I wondered whether or not the kids had eaten and how long they had napped for. _Shut up, their with their father, not a babysitter, dummy. Am I still on the floor?_

"You know this is the second time I've seen you all splayed out on the floor and sadly, neither have been at my apartment."

All thoughts went out of my head.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N For realsies you guys, I want to make a public announcement every time my phone lights up with an email alerting me that someone else is reading this. Your reviews are AH-MAZE-ING! and make me want to write more. I never understood how good a review felt until I got my own, so keep it up and I will too. Seriously, I read them to hubby and then I reread them myself (numerous times). I have no set schedule for updating, but I'll try to not make it more than week. Sound good?

Once again, I have to thank Emmy for not only inspiring this story to begin, but for then rec'ing and linking me on PPSS. You will never know how much that motivated me and made me feel 10 feet tall.

Btw, I'm on twitter too **my_e_addiction** (my ffn name was too long and variations of it were taken.) So come visit me there.

Still no beta, please feel free to let me know about mistakes.

**Disclaimer: I don't own any rights to Twilight (books or movies) or anything else publicly recognizable in this chapter. I'm not SM.  
**

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I stared up at Edward and his gorgeousness and for a minute I almost didn't care that I was lying on the floor. He leaned over and offered his hand. As he bent down near me he said, "I'm serious."

I placed my hand in his and gave him no help getting myself up. He lifted me easily. I was slightly swaying and trying to get my bearings. I giggled a little but apparently it wasn't as quiet as I thought. Especially when I let out a snort.

Edward quirked an eyebrow at me. "Did you just snort?"

And I did it again. And then again. My hands were covering my face and it was too funny to be embarrassed about. I gained some semblance of control and moved my hands from my face only to place them on his chest. _His very lovely, tight, hard..._ I shouldn't have felt him up, but I couldn't seem to help myself and he sure as hell wasn't stopping me. My hand slid downward and next thing I knew we were holding hands.

"You want to kiss me. You want to have sex with me." I sang to him like I was Sandra Bullock in that movie where she gets hot but still has no grace. _Hey, she snorts too!_

"I want to do so much more with you than that." He leaned into my ear doing that hot breathy thing when I heard Jess announce that she was stepping out for a smoke. We stood there momentarily in an awkward silence. But somehow we both knew it was someone seeing us that made it awkward, not what we were doing. Our left hands were clasped together and my right hand remained on his chest. We stayed like that for a minute standing far too close to one another to be acquaintances. Hell, it was too close for a male/female friendship unless they were fucking. _Oh, I miss friends with benefits. Fun to drink with, fun to fuck, and no weird phone calls about feelings_. I love to talk about my feeeeelings though! _Are you having a drunk conversation with yourself? _

"I, um, think I need some air." I was swallowing hard and dizzy. I couldn't tell if it was the booze or the hottie in front of me, but I couldn't catch my breath. _Fuck! Please don't let me have a panic attack in front of him!_

"Why don't I help you outside? You seem a little tipsy." I leaned into him and allowed him to guide me to the door. We used the back entrance near the parking lot. I so wanted to play stupid and act like this was totally innocent. In the event that anything happened I could say that I had nothing to do with it. I didn't start this! _ You don't have to keep it going, you know?_ He's just walking me out. _To... a car. My car? His car?_ I was all jittery and excited and nervous and giddy and we were only holding hands. Could I let this go further?

He pulled me off to the side of the building in a sort of alley way. Even though it was more like a storage area for the bar's outdoor equipment this was starting to feel wrong and dirty.

"B, you're so nervous." And with that little nickname I suddenly felt closer to him. It sounded stupid but Jake only referred to me as Bella. I think once or twice he called me babe. What can I say, I'm a pet name freak. "Do I make you nervous?" He asked leaning in a little closer.

"You know you do." I licked my lips and tried my best seductive face complete with eyelash batting. I hoped it came off sexy, not tourettes-like.

"What else do I make you feel?" His hands had moved to the side of the building caging me in while his nose skimmed my jaw.

"Edward," I pleaded. I let out a deep breath and tried my hardest to sober up some. "I just... Edward, I'm married. And if that weren't enough I have two children." _Where the fuck is Jessica?_

"I know. And I feel like a complete shit. Please Bel, I've never done this before. I'm not a home wrecker and I don't want to hurt you. I want to make you feel so good. The way you make me feel when I think of you." His voice dropped down to a whisper, "When I think of you lying on your stomach, with your naked back exposed to me. I think of tracing those pretty tattoos with my tongue. I want to start at your neck and work my way down." He licked lightly behind my right ear. "And when I get to here," he touched two fingers to my lower back where the little dimples are, "I want to flip you over and start again from the top." I think I may have moaned.

Who says this shit? _Players! Hardcore, no responsibility, twenty-four year old, game playing, players! You already did this shit in college! You are too old to get sucked in by the smooth words and pretty boys!_ And there it was. I'm old. I have two children. I'm married. I clean the house and go grocery shopping and make dinner and change diapers. _You love your life. It's all you ever wanted!_ I wanted my mind to shut up so badly as Edward ran his fingertips down my throat to the top of my shirt. He dipped his fingers in to my cleavage, tugging the V of my shirt down just a little. He stared at the tops of my breasts and spread his palm flat over my exposed chest. My heart thumped wildly and I was positive if he couldn't hear it, he could now feel it.

"So soft, so pretty. I've thought a lot about your nipples too. You know that?" I'm pretty sure it was a rhetorical question. "I bet they're the same color as your pouty mouth. Like right now, with your bottom lip sticking out," he brought the pad of his thumb to my lower lip and pulled it down a bit, wetting his thumb in the process.

I was a quivering mass of drunk sixteen year old girl. I hadn't felt this way in so long. I felt so desired and wanted. I felt sexy and pretty like a woman should. Edward brought his thumbs down to my breasts and traced a circle outside of where my nipples lay beneath my shirt and bra. I gasped and watched him smirk as he saw the tips respond to his touch. _Thank God I wore the sheer lace today and he could actually find my nipples!_

Jake used to like my boobs. I think. He never complained even though they were small. He didn't exactly pay a lot of attention to them, but I was so sensitive I actually discouraged it at one point. But then I got pregnant with Paul and they grew. And I nursed and they got bigger. But Jake was always creeped out by the idea that he might actually see me lactate or God forbid, get it in his mouth, so he avoided them then too. Then I was pregnant with Rebecca and I moved up to a hefty D. Since I had started out as a small B, Jake would mention how now there was just so much of "them." I had always wanted boobs so I figured since they stayed nice and big with Paul maybe my luck would hold out for after Becca was born too. Not the case. Now they were big, but flat and only Miracle bras could change that. And Jake avoided them like the plague. I think in the past several years he had touched them a few times with his hands and maybe twice with his mouth. But would Edward react any differently if he saw my breasts sans bra? I'm sure he had only ever seen pretty perky ones that sat up and said Hello! Would he think they were as ugly as I did? No amount of diet and exercise was going to change these bad boys.

And that's when it hit me. Jake. Husband. Children. Body issues. I barely wanted my husband who I had two children with to see me naked. There was no way I could let anyone else. Besides, he might want kids some day and I couldn't scare him like that.

Although everything we had done was wrong, I kept telling myself it wasn't so bad and to get out now.

"I want to kiss you." Edward leaned in and wet his lips. "Please?"

Every inch of me was screaming YES! but my brain, I think it was trying to say something different. It was like a foreign language though and I couldn't understand the words but something about the wild gesticulating made me take notice.

"Edward, I can't." I pushed on his chest to get some of that air I originally came out here for. I wanted him to look angry. If he was angry that I cockblocked him then it would be easy to cancel all future appointments and switch gyms. Besides, this one was further from home anyway. But he didn't. He immediately raised those beautiful hands with long g-spot reaching fingers and brought them to his face in shock.

"Oh my God. B, I'm so so sorry. I can't believe I, I," he stuttered. "I wasn't trying to push myself on you. Oh my God. I just can't think of anything rational when I'm around you." He stepped back even further so we were leaning on opposing buildings that formed the alley. "You are so sweet and so beautiful. You're smart and caring and your sense of humor," he exhaled deeply, "you're so unique. And I'm so jealous that I wasn't there first." He fisted his hands in his hair. "But when you talk about _Him _and the things he says and does, oh B, you could do so much better."

Part of me felt sad and knew he was telling the truth. The sloshy part of my brain that was still high on tequila though, felt fighty and wanted to lash out at him for putting my husband down and essentially, me as well, since I chose him.

"And I suppose you're that _'better'_? You're a kid. You have no idea what real responsibility and commitment is. It's not all sunshine and fucking roses all the time and anyone who says it is is fucking lying. What? You want to check cougar off your list? I'm not even that old fucker."

I'm not sure if Edward said anything after that. I didn't wait to hear. I stormed back into the bar and found Jess chatting with some guy by the jukebox. "Let's go, Jess." I didn't wait for her either and continued out the front door. Despite any flaws, Jess was an awesome friend and I found her right behind me handing me my purse.

"You okay?"

"I don't want to fucking talk about it."

"Want to come over and chill out?"

"Nope. I'm getting a cab and going home to my family where I belong." I was crying by then and Jess knew that I would talk about it when i was ready to. We didn't keep anything from each other but sometimes I just didn't want to relive shit right away.

* * *

I sat in the back of the cab and berated myself. I stopped the tears. I didn't deserve to cry over this. I was a shit wife and a shit mother and there were women who would kill to be in my shoes. _A good husband, who loves his family and his children is home right now. He's probably worried about me. And he knows he fucked up with quitting his job. He's working as much as he can on the side. And despite the fact that my family drives him crazy he's always there for them. He's not out gambling, and coming home at three am from the bar. And he's a hell of a lot cuter than most of the guys I see. And he says he's sorry, and he puts up with me!_ I was lucky. I patted my face with powder and took a deep breath. I put on lip gloss and smiled. I told myself how great things were and actually got excited to see Jake.

Until I actually got to see Jake. All that I had built up in my head came crashing down when I walked into the kitchen. Everything was exactly where it had been when I left the house. The diaper bag was on the floor, dishes were piled in the sink and now there were more of them scattered on the counter. I tripped over the fucking shoes blocking the doorway and barely righted myself before Paul came bounding in. Between Edward and the cab ride, and now reality, I sobered up real quick.

"Mommy!" He ran and hugged my legs.

"Where is your shirt? And what's on your face?" _It's not his fault, he's a baby._

"Ice cream! Ice cream! Daddy give me ice cream!" I checked the clock above the stove. All the hope I had on the cab ride home slipped away as I was reminded of reality.

"Jake?" I continued walking but slowly, actually giving him time to get off the God damned computer. But no such luck. He looked up from whatever the fuck he was doing and started to smile. At least he was smart enough to stop himself when he saw my face.

"Bella?" I was almost impressed that he sounded concerned. "What's wrong with you?" But that was short lived as his tone turned snotty and accusatory. As if _I_ had just ruined _his_ night by coming home with an attitude.

"It's 5:30. Your son is eating ice cream, the house is trashed, you're on the computer while drinking a beer, and where is your daughter?" I'm guessing he never even thought about me being gone this whole time either.

"She's sleeping. And Jesus Christ, you just got home. What the fuck? You go out and do whatever and I _never_ give you shit, but you walk in here and start bossing everyone around cause shit wasn't run your way?"

"My son is shirtless and hasn't had dinner! My daughter is NOT sleeping! She's upstairs crying!"

"She must have just started cause I can't hear it."

"Well no shit. You've got the tv on, your glued to your fucking videos and you need the monitor to hear from here. Is this your first day as a father?" Ok, now I was just getting mean. But I was angry. I had just defended him to Hottie McPorn who made me go liquid and here Jake is proving him right!

It was only going to get worse from here. He was going to call me names and I was going to tell him to fuck off. He'd stay on the computer or maybe follow me into the kitchen to get another beer while we fought. I just wasn't up for it lately. Fighting used to at least make me feel passionate. Now I just felt tired.

"Whatever. I'll go get her. Just, you know what? Never mind. Can you just keep an eye on him," I nodded toward Paul, "while I feed Bec?"

I could tell that he still wanted to fight. In truth, so did I. But Paul was sitting right here, Becca was upstairs crying, and I was starting to feel hungover from drinking earlier. _Am I seriously just that big a bitch? Or do I have a right?_ I didn't even know anymore.

I felt sick from drinking and sick from fighting. I hated doing that in front of Paul and it just made me feel like an even worse mother. The least we could do for our children was not fight in front of them. I wanted so badly for it to just not be a big deal but I couldn't help myself. I loved being a stay at home mom and taking care of my home and my family. I liked it a shit load better when Jake was working. Him being here screwed with my routine. But eff that. If he was going to fucking be here, he was going to take care of everything equally. I hated having to tell him what to do, but how could I not? Nothing got fucking done around here unless I specifically point it out. _Just because I don't go to work where I punch a clock does not mean I don't work!_ Well, I had to now. It had been several weeks since Jake quit and I had already sent out my resume to at least forty places; including jobs that I was way overqualified for despite the fact that we agreed before marriage that I would stay home and raise our children until they went to school. _Getting off topic!_

I brought Becca downstairs for her dinner. As I was mashing an avocado Jake walked in. "I emptied the dishwasher you know." _Great. Do want a fucking medal or a plaque? _

"Thanks." I did my lip tuck thing that I suppose was similar to biting my tongue.

"So, what's going on with Jess now?" _Ah yes. Now we pretend none of this ever happened and if I bring it up again I'm a nagging bitch who can't let anything go._

"Nothing. Usual. She's fine." I tried to keep my answers as short as possible so I didn't start another fight.

"So, that's how you're gonna be?" Jake snapped at me while grabbing another beer. _Well, at least he's consistent._

I'd had enough. I was tired and I had a headache. My day was wearing on me and now Jake was too. "Fuck you." I said it quietly and without any emotion or conviction. I didn't want this to be round whatever, I just wanted him to shut the fuck up. I didn't want to talk anymore. I wanted to take care of my babies and snuggle up with them. Even though Paul drove me insane some days he still made my heart swell. And my baby girl wasn't even old enough to make me crazy yet. I finished making a turkey and cheese sandwich, grabbed the green mush and Becca, and called to Paul to come upstairs with me. I knew I was being a coward surrounding myself with my children but in that moment, I didn't care. I didn't want to fight or cry anymore and with them around me, I would at least make a real effort to hold it together.

After I got the children set up in the playroom I ran back down for my phone. I steadily ignored Jake as he fortunately, did the same for me. I grabbed my phone and headed back up. The little light was blinking indicating a text or email. I really hoped it was just sale announcements from Toys R' Us or Borders or something stupid. I had no desire to talk to anyone. I had to get over this stupid fucking pity party. I made a choice. I pretty much knew what I was getting into when I married him. And like I had said to Edward, marriage is not all fucking sunshine. Love is not all you need and love does not make the world go round. There are so many other important aspects to a marriage and hot sex and true love forever is kind of bull shit anyway. _You didn't really think Jake was your true love? Did you?_ I knew he wasn't. No one was. It doesn't exist. You just find someone you can deal with who thinks you're pretty cool too before your eggs shrivel up and drain away. _Well, at least we got two beautiful children out of it if not eternal happiness. _

I sat down to help Paul with his sandwich and hopefully lose some of this tension with a mindless few hours of Sponge Bob. Out of habit, I opened my phone to see I had a text message. I didn't know the number, but I didn't need to to know who the sender was.

**B- I am really sorry. I don't ever want you to feel bad. I know you aren't available, but I can't help myself. You make me want to risk everything. Dignity, pride, and morals included. Please don't make me stop.  
**

**-E**

And I knew then that I wanted to be selfish and not make him stop his pursuit either. **  
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	4. Chapter 4

I hope I responded to everyone who sent me a review. I'm still figuring some of the features out on ffn. So if I didn't, I'm sorry and please know how much I appreciate every review, every favorite, and every alert I get. It gets me excited and makes me want to keep writing for all of you.

So, this is my longest chapter yet and here I thought it was going to be the shortest. I struggled a lot with this chapter. I not only want to keep writing for all my amazing readers but I want it to be good. Please let me know if I succeeded.

**Disclaimer: I don't own any rights to Twilight (books or movies) or anything else publicly recognizable in this chapter. I'm not SM.**

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This isn't right. None of this is going right. I wanted make out with a hot guy. I wanted to have deep, hot, intimate, straight out of the story books sex. I wanted love and sweetness and romance and kinky, food, and toys, sex while swinging from the ceiling. I wanted someone to take care of me who will let me take care of him without keeping track of who did what. I wanted to not fight over everything and every word and every little tone reading into it all assuming the worse.

I didn't want to be put in the position to even have to make a choice. I didn't want to be a divorcee with two kids in my thirties. How cliche. And for what? No guarantee of anything. No security, no friendship, no romance. And I sure as hell didn't want to be so emotionally wrapped up in something I hadn't even done! So I asked myself again, is this it?

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! Why can't I just be stupid? One of the chicks who walks around basically happy because she doesn't know any better. Not like I do. Fuck me if I know anything at this point!

After everyone was fed, Becca rolled around on a blanket and Paul played with his trains. I sat down on the floor with my seldom used notebook come journal and tried my best to get my thoughts out on paper. I was scared to though. What if Jake found it? What if he read it? What if he actually understood it? _Gasp! Concerned about a real conversation?_

And I wasn't. I was simply sick and tired of all the "talks" Jake and I had had over the years:

The "you're a selfish lover" talk

The "you're a selfish person" talk

The "you never think of the family" talk

The "you're drinking too much again" talk

The "what do you want to do with your life" talk

The "I can't keep doing everything around here and get no help, appreciation, or respect" talk

The "don't talk to our son like that" talk

The "don't talk to me like that" talk

The "I need more than this" talk

They just kept repeating. Sometimes it was a few things at once. Sometimes it was none of the above and I just came up with shit on the fly because it really was just that easy to do. I was sick of being resentful and having these deep conversations loaded with "I'm sorry's" and "I understand" when he really had no fucking clue because I was positive he was not even listening half the time. He didn't listen to my screaming or crying. He didn't listen to our son crying about our fighting. The few times I had felt like he got me was when I had gone silent. For days I think. It of course was easier when we didn't have children to not to talk to him. But he seemed to get that I was really upset when I shut down. And although it would seem relaxing and almost numbing, it takes a lot of energy to stop caring. It's not like we only fought once or twice before marriage. Hell, we broke up several times during our years together. I even dated other guys. Guys my family loved. But I kept going back to Jake. Comfort maybe? Stupidity? It definitely wasn't the idea of true love. Even before we were married I knew he wasn't my true love. Not that I believed in that horse shit. I wished I did. Maybe I secretly did and that's why I read Austen. Wishing and hoping that someday I would find true, forever, love. I once met a 97 year old woman. She told me that despite being surrounded by people, she was incredibly lonely. She explained that her husband had died young, 48, and she had been alone ever since. I was saddened and shocked.

"You never remarried?"

"Didn't want to."

"But, what about dating? Did you ever date again?"

"Nope. When I lost my Fernando I that was it for me. I still miss him every day."

I almost didn't believe her. I wondered if she would have still felt that way if her Fernando lived to be 90. I thought about all those people who were married for 75 years and said they were truly happy and deeply in love. I wondered if I would ever find that. I knew I didn't have that with Jake, but I really couldn't imagine finding it anywhere else either. All men are the same more or less, right? If it did exist we couldn't only have one true love. I think it would be awful sad if we only got one chance at love. One perfect person we were meant to be with. So many of us would be screwed!

Fuck. I think so many of us already are.

I closed my notebook and tucked it into Becca's dresser. I liked to sit in her room sometimes and think. It was warm and dark and smelled like clean, powdery, baby. Years before the kids were born I would sit out on the front porch of whatever place Jake and I lived in at the time and smoke. He hated it so that was my dark, quiet place. Mostly I tried not to think. Thinking could lead to crying if you weren't careful. And years ago I did loads of that. And screaming. And punching. And throwing shit. I threw a lot of shit. Shoes were a favorite of mine, but I'd settle for anything close by.

* * *

Much like I should not have based my sexual satisfaction on what Rosalie told me, I definitely should not have based my romantic relationships on Renee's two cents. To say she didn't have a fucking clue was putting it mildly. She left my father when I was a baby and moved us a hundred miles away. The food she brought home from dates lasted longer than the men did. Some children would just be forced to grow up. In some ways we all did. Rose and I took turns cooking and cleaning, Jasper got a job when he was 12 on the farms and helped out with bills. We got ourselves to school and even did really well (not Rosalie so much.) And when I wasn't doing those adult things, I was acting like a tantrum-throwing, spoiled toddler with behavior that spilled into adulthood.

Despite the fact that she was a pretty lousy parent, I still went to Renee when I was hurt or upset. When I was younger she liked to think we were girlfriends which sucked. There are things that I just did NOT need to know about my mother. But when I was older it had it's benefits. I was always kind of surprised at her advice but in some ways I think she was trying to make up for all the uncertainty my siblings and I grew up with. Trying to help me become "stable" and less like her.

Looking back though, I think she just said whatever she thought I wanted to hear. Renee wasn't exactly practical so she never really instilled the need for security (emotional or financial) from a relationship. I didn't know exactly how a healthy one worked so when she would remind me that he was a good man and he was really cute and he dealt with my crazy, I thought that's all I needed. I'm not stupid, but I thought that we had passion and I thought he really "got me." It's surprising how many people mistake violent screaming matches for passion and crippling abandonment issues as understanding and connectedness.

It's not that I didn't love Jake. I did. But not having a healthy marriage modeled for me I really had no idea what I was doing. Our issues kind of spiraled out of control before we even got married. We broke up at least three or four times and I was convinced it was over. But somehow Jake did a total turnaround and convinced me that all the times he had disappointed me, all the times he put himself first, all of his lazy, selfish ways were in the past. And for a while, he kept up his end. By then we had already been together for four years and I had invested so much time and energy I figured marriage was the next step. Besides, I was in my mid-twenties and I wanted a ring and a house and babies before thirty.

_Because those are all really good reasons to get married. __And I seriously didn't think I had self esteem issues? "If I can't fix me, I'll fix someone else!" _

Eek, I'm even a bitch to myself. So all my issues aside, I was still a total mess and comparatively Jake's problems were minor. _Had I been out with that many losers? _I thought about the guy who took me to T.G.I. Friday's for a date and then left me for twenty minutes when he saw some of his buddies across the bar. _Aaron? Eric? _And in a sense, I guess I figured this was as good as it gets. And truth be told, he did get better. Way better after our son was born (if that says anything about how he was before.)

Hell, even Rose came around. She was far from a fan of Jake and always felt I could have done so much better. I mostly just attributed it to her own marriage misery. Despite Jake's earlier family reluctance he came around and opened himself to my very overwhelming and somewhat bitchy family. At twenty-something, I thought that made him marriage material. _Rolling my eyes here! Whatever happened to arranged marriages?_ I only learned later on that our mother did have some common sense and maybe even a touch of maternal instinct. She had warned Rosalie that either she get on board with my marriage to Jake or she risked losing me as a sister.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if my sister pushed me more. Really made me examine what I wanted and what I thought I deserved. I probably shouldn't complain though. I've talked to other women who are impressed with how much Jake takes care of the kids. And that he says sorry. And that he knows when he fucked up and can admit it. Later on when Rose and I became closer and she stopped trying to control my life one of the things we often talked about were our idiot husbands and the stupid things they did. She would be especially surprised when I would tell her how Jake would later come to me and admit that he was wrong. He didn't always know why, but I suspected most men didn't. _Who gives a shit though when he keeps doing it over and over again? _ But mostly I think I continued to defend him because otherwise being with him despite all the red flags and warnings would make me a fool. The last thing I wanted to do was prove Rose right. She already thought she knew everything about everything.

* * *

In my usual fashion, I called down to Jake to let him know I was putting the kids to bed. He came up to say goodnight to the children giving hugs and kisses and riling them up just before they needed to sleep as was per his usual fashion. Since I was speaking to him, he assumed everything was fine and I didn't have the energy to correct him. I let him kiss me on the cheek and told him my throat was feeling sore.

"Want to go watch a movie?" He asked as he air humped me from behind. _Sexy. _

"Um, I was going to do some more job searches. There's not a whole lot out there for a Masters degree in comparative literature, but I'll take anything at this point."

Jake nodded.

"Yeah well, you still have all those student loans to pay."

My stupid loans were a constant bone of contention between us. It's not that I didn't want to work; I was really proud of my education; but we had decided together that I wouldn't work out of the house when we had small children. I'm positive he didn't expect to be out of work so often but with no degree and the shit economy, it just happened. I knew that wasn't the whole of it, but again, something we had fought over so often that it wasn't worth even thinking about.

"Right, well, I'm trying."

"Yeah, I know. It just sucks. I also put away the folded laundry so you know."

And with that he left me alone in the office. See? Not a bad guy. _Oh My God! I can't possibly be happy with that? _He's been home all goddamn day and the most he can do is the dishes and put some clothes away? _He didn't even fold the fuckers! I did that! _

I had to stop thinking like that. I doubted that any other man would be any different. They are all the same and even Hottie McAbLick would become inattentive and jiggly once the chase was over. _Ooooh, I should test that theory._

But I was determined not to fall into the stupid trap of giving in so easily. I deserved better. I believed that now. I had worked hard to become a person I was really proud to be. And, if there were any chance in hell anything ever did happen, my children deserved better. He wasn't going to have to work for just my affection, he was going to have impress the hell out of me just to get my attention. Okay, he had my attention. But he didn't know how much of my attention he was already taking up and I would be damned if fucked myself over for someone who wasn't worth it.

Fuck this. I'm going to bed.

Jake was still on the computer with a new beer when I got downstairs. "I'm just going to go to bed. I had a long day."

"Okay. Love you." He didn't even look up at me. I shut the bedroom door and put on fleecy pajama bottoms and a long sleeved shirt. No sense in even inviting temptation. I was strictly going to sleep. Well, maybe not just yet.

I listened as Jake put on some war movie or something in the other room. It was loud and there were explosions. I turned on our flat screen at the end of our bed and turned the volume way down. I went to my dresser and pulled out my new favorite vibrator. It went through batteries in one use but it was powerful as all get out. Although part of me wanted to indulge in a long, drawn out session of fantasy, I really just needed to get off and get some sleep.

I laid down and pulled the covers up over me. Jake was never a fan of anything extra in the bedroom. He felt like he should be able to do it all. The times I had tried he made it awkward and uncomfortable. So while I fantasized about wild and crazy sex, I think I was still a prude. Maybe it was just Jake. I shimmied out of my pants but kept them close by in case Jake popped in. I bent my knees and opened my legs thinking this was the position Edward had me in earlier today. I recalled his hot breath on my neck as I turned the vibrator on to a gentle buzz. I lowered it to my clit still covered by my panties. Even if I didn't plan on making this an hour long process, I still liked to start off slow. Something Jake had no clue about.

As I started to feel the tingle, I moved my other hand to my belly and lightly tickled under my shirt. I imagined Edward's hands on me. His long fingers playing with edge of the band. I lifted it slightly and slid my hand down. I brought my panties down my legs, Edward's eyes, his excitement as he saw me naked for the first time.

My breathing increased and I knew his would match my own. He would expect nothing from me. This would be all about my enjoyment. I increased the speed of the humming vibrator as my hands, Edward's hands explored. I spread my legs further and before I even touched myself with my bare hands I could feel the wetness sliding down towards the bed. I pushed on the buzzing instrument pressing it harder to my now exposed nub. My legs began to shake. Edward circled his long fingers around my wet lips, not entering me and driving me insane. With two fingers in he began stretching me, spreading me open to him. His thick eyelashes fluttering against my cheek as hovered so close to me. I moaned softly as he felt my body slick and warm, contracting around his fingers. I lifted my hips and began to rock. Deeper he pushed in, finding...that...little...spot... "

Oh, oh God, uh, uh, ooohhh Edward!" I whimpered out in a quiet whisper. My whole body shuddered and I pushed out shallow little pants. Oh. Holy. Fuck. If it's anything like my fantasy, I'll totally risk it.

Maybe I wouldn't be such a bitch if I good orgasm now and again. I was getting very efficient at it as I had resorted to getting myself off pretty much every time. Even when Jake and I had sex, he would touch me for a little bit, but his touch was aggressive and fumbling like a teenage boy in his parent's basement. I would try and direct him in all the sexy ways Cosmo says to- "Baby, I love it when you touch me soft and slow," breathy and sex kitten-like. He didn't listen. Ever. I would get frustrated and stop him only for him to turn and blame me. And if we did manage to have sex he would practically shove his dick in whether I was ready or not. A couple of pumps and he was done. I didn't even fake it anymore. He would tell me that he owed me and jump up to shower. _ I'm going to pretend it was at least better than this when we were first dating. Otherwise, I'm a total moron. _

I cleaned up and tucked everything away. Jake would probably be too drunk to get it up anyway. I had to go to sleep and hopefully my dreams would give me some answers. Oh God, please don't let me talk in my sleep. _Like it matters? Fuck nut doesn't sleep, he passes out. _

* * *

When I woke up the next morning I smiled and stretched, feeling totally satisfied. The kids were still asleep and I wanted to fully immerse myself back in my dreams of Edward's bright eyes framed by his dark eyebrows, running his beautiful hands through his fucking sexy crazy hair. He was smiling as he listened to me talk about who the fuck knows what. I just know he was interested in what I was saying and it felt fuckawesome.

Then Jake farted and rolled over. _Gross._ I got up to remove myself from the stink of sleep and beer and man.

_They are all the same. They are all the same._ I repeated my mantra in my head. Still, I turned on my cell. I knew it wasn't right. I knew as I keyed in the letters that this was so wrong in so many ways and despite what I had said, I was encouraging him. It was 6:30 so I doubted he'd be awake. He probably didn't have to be to work until later and with no children why the hell would he be up?

**How did you get my number stalker? -B**

I set my phone down to make my coffee. My phone beeped seconds later and my stomach started fluttering like mad. I tried to tell myself it was an email so as not to get too excited. It didn't work.**  
**

**The gym's computer isn't exactly secure. -E**

**Should I be flattered or scared? You did find me at that bar. -B**

**I didn't follow you if that's what you mean. I just happened to be in the neighborhood when I saw you and your friend go in. -E**

**You know that's kind of creepy right? You really expect me to believe you just happened to be there? Same time same place sort of thing? -B**

**I knew you were upset after you left the gym. I was worried. It was my fault. -E**

My coffee was nearly ready and I was almost scared to type in my next words. I wasn't scared of his answer though. I think I was more worried that he would be worried that he freaked me out and I wouldn't see him again. His intentions were only announced yesterday but I had been lighter and more relaxed since I started training with him. It didn't really matter what his answer was, I wanted to see him again.

**So you did follow me? -B**

**How can I express a big reluctant sigh via text? Yes. I'm sorry. Again. I care about you. -E**

I wasn't sure how to respond to that. I guess it wasn't impossible. We had spent a lot of time together and in that time we had talked about many intimate details, mostly I did, but could he really care about me? Could it be anything more than silly infatuation with a woman he figured was unattainable?

Love at first sight and all that shit right? Not that I think I ever believed in it, but I sure as hell didn't now. That's why I read romance novels. At least it gave me something to dream about. Mostly I was becoming bitter and cynical as shit though.

A few weeks ago I had met Jess for lunch at her work. She pointed out a couple having lunch.

"They work in my department," she whispered, "keep going."

When we sat down she glanced back towards the pair who looked to be in their mid fifties. "They're married. They work together, not just same building, same accounts, they commute here and home together, and they eat lunch, just the two of them every single fucking day."

"What the fuck?" I was so disturbed by this idea.

"Right? People are so fucking weird."

"That's not love. That's hardcore co-dependence."

I wanted to ask him what he could possibly know about me other than the fact that I had two children I adored, a useless degree, and a husband I was constantly bashing? Did he just want to fix me the way I thought I could fix Jake? Did he think that I was deep and brooding and mysterious? Didn't he know I was just an ungrateful, whiny bitch hell-bent on destroying a relationship that was just fine?

_Really? Woe is me? I picked this path!_ There was, Ted? Tom? What the fuck was his name? _Why can't I remember anyone's goddamn name? I'm not that old! Clearly they all meant so much to me._ He had a house, great job, loving family, education...but I'm sorry, what was wrong with him? Oh yeah, I didn't want to see him naked. Oh, and he wore tight black jeans and big ass work boots. _And it was not a good look on him. Am I that shallow?_ Apparently.

**Aren't there colleges and bars for you to go to instead? -B**

**I'm not that young. You might not believe it but I went to college and not DeVry or U of Phoenix. Haha. And I met plenty of empty drunk girls in both places. I'm past that. Not what I want. -E**

Deflect, deflect, deflect. I'm not ready for this.

**What are you doing up so early? - B**

**I'll let it go. I'm always up. It's a weekday and I have work at ten. Should I sleep till 9:30? LOL**

Was he lying? Was this something I had bitched about Jake? Fuck. _Is he playing me or is this the real him?_ Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Okay, I'm going to do it. And walking right into it while holding my breath...

**What do you want? - B**

**And I was willing to let it go for longer than 30 sec. too. -E**

_Oh God, he was playing with me. Messing with my head and probably enjoying it too. Fucker! Where is my damn coffee. And why the hell are the kids still sleeping? I need an excuse to walk away and be put out of my misery!_ And then the little ding sounded again.

**A quick lay from a woman I KNOW puts out! I've seen the proof! -E**

Now it was my turn.**  
**

**Good bye- B**

More than a minute went by without another text. My heart sank a little bit. _I was just kidding. Kind of. He must know that_. When the tone sounded I let out a breath I didn't realize I had been holding.

**It's you. Your happiness. You know that. I don't want to wreck your marriage but I don't think I am. I want you to be happy. I don't know if I can be the 1 to do that, but it's worth a shot. -E**

I stood alone in my kitchen and tucked my head to hide the very prevalent school-girl blush. So young. I doubt he'd ever been in a serious relationship. The way he talked or rather, didn't talk about anyone special led me to believe that. I turned on the news and listened to the familiar sound of tiny feet running across the floor. I had to snap out of my revelry. The real world was waking up around me. I thought about how ridiculous this whole situation was. I am married! I have no right to do this to Jake or my children. _ No right to happiness? _ Not like this. And what's happiness anyway? A constant feeling? Fleeting moments? Fuck, this is too deep for right now. My head was starting to hurt from rolling my eyes so much.

**Not doing this over text. See you at usual time and place. -B**

I sent one more text and then turned off my phone again forcing myself to wipe off the shit eating grin. _Deep breaths. Act normal_. _Fuck it. He'll be asleep till we get home from the gym. _

I had agreed to see him again. I wanted to. I wanted to see him and talk about the possibilities. But I wasn't about to change our routine. If I did what he asked I ran the risk of giving in too soon. _AT ALL! I MEAN, AT ALL!_**  
**


	5. Chapter 5

Rose was already on the Elliptical when I checked in. I got the children settled in the daycare, _oh good, it's Angela today._ She actually liked being with the children and watched them.

"Hey. I hate the Elliptical. Can we please move to the treadmill?"

"Fine. Too hard for you?" She mock pouted and made big blinky sad eyes. "You look good," Rose said as she appraised me.

"Coming from you? I must look incredible."

"So, the trainer is working out?"

I didn't respond to her. I didn't know what to say if anything. Do I tell her? It's not like she's innocent. Oh, God, please let her understand.

"Bel? What's up? You have been working out right? You didn't go back to your pre-wedding "diet" did you?" She made air quotes referring to the time I was less than healthy to lose weight.

"It's nothing like that." I waved her off. I hated feeling so vulnerable. Rose was my sister and I knew she loved me, but she was still a total bitch. "How long did you know Emmett before you called it quits with your marriage?"

She gave me a funny look. Despite her grades, Rosalie was smart when it came to people. I knew that she had easily put two and two together and I could only hope that she would be distracted enough by talking about herself.

"I didn't leave Royce for Emmett. I left Royce for me. And my children. I was just really lucky that Emmett stuck with me through it all. And, I knew him for over a year. We first met when we went camping a few years back. Royce decided to spend his day getting high so I took the kids for a hike. We pretty much spent the rest of the weekend at his site. He enjoyed the outdoors and being active and my kids didn't scare him." She laughed at the memory. "It's not like anything happened. It was just a really good weekend without Royce. And I realized how much I missed having a partner and how much the kids missed having a father.

I didn't really think about Emmett again after that. Well, I did, just, not like that. Not him specifically. Just the idea that there were good men out there. But mostly, that I didn't have to be with Royce. It kind of all just happened at once I guess. I ran into Emmette one night while doing one of the school fundraisers. He just happened to be at the same restaurant. And despite the fact that they're Royce's kids too, he of course wasn't there and it was like one more sign for me." She flipped her hair over her shoulder and took a sip of her water. "I'm going to run? K?"

"Rosie?" She cocked her head in my direction. She knew that name was reserved for favors. "Will you take the babies for me?" I did an over exaggerated fake eyelash bat.

"Yes. Pick them up later. I'm not bringing them home." She placed her ear buds in her ears and turned on her music effectively dismissing me while she upped the speed on the treadmill. I glanced at the clock and took that as my cue to find my trainer.

I'm not nervous. No big deal. _Ooh, my cleavage looks awesome. _

I knocked on the door to the trainer's office. "Hey. I'm a little early."

Edward looked up at me as if he was surprised. His eyes widened. "I, uh, I wasn't sure if I'd see you today." He ran his hands through his hair in what I knew was a nervous gesture. "I was kind of preparing myself for an opening."

I leaned against the door frame. His anxious demeanor gave me a courage I didn't know I had. "I told you I would." My arms were crossed under my breasts and I lifted them as I shrugged my shoulders, pushing my boobs together. _Boys are so simple sometimes. _

He stood up from his desk and brought his hand under his crisp white t shirt to scratch his belly. He was wearing his standard black work shorts today but they were still slung low on his hips like the first time I met him. His raised shirt gave me a beautiful five inch view of his taut stomach and the soft looking dark hair that led down from his small bellybutton. I couldn't help but notice and blush.

I thought about Jake scratching himself. There was nothing sexy about it. His pants were usually low because they didn't fit over his gut. I was trying desperately to ignore the thoughts of Jake's yawning belly button since his stomach had expanded. _Ugh, focus. _

We were ogling each other and when our eyes met, I bit my lower lip, trying to prevent myself from saying something too stupid at the moment. Edward got over his nerves quickly and I watched the smooth player take place.

"I'm glad you're hear early. It will give us a chance to get into the boxing room. I reserved us some time in there." He finished his sentence in my ear. He had come up to face me as I stood in the doorway. "It's okay. No one else is here yet. Peter's client canceled." His breath was so close, so warm on my neck. I felt him without touching him. My hair stood on end and I shivered.

"Come" he commanded. I wasn't positive but I think his tongue touched my earlobe. Maybe I was imagining things. I wanted it to be real. I closed my eyes and forced my muscles to relax.

We entered a small room with a large free standing punching bag in one corner. It looked like one of those children's toys that you hit and pops back up, though I was sure it was no toy. In another there was a small hanging bag. I felt certain I could start on that. The floor was padded and the walls were lined with mirrors and signs stating **HANDS OFF**. It made me giggle and brought Edward's attention back to me.

"So? You up for a little hand to hand training?" He raised his bushy eyebrows suggestively.

"Boxing?"

"It's a great workout. Very physical." I blushed like a little girl again. He clicked the lock on the door.

"Edward" I warned.

"Just making sure you are able to focus. You won't be able to concentrate if you're all nervous that someone will come in." He kept his hand on the knob behind his back.

"A little cliche don't ya think? The trainer, the boxing room? I said we would talk. I'm not about to do anything here." My resolve was weakening. I wanted to be cliche and moviesque. I wanted to take advantage of the space on the floor and the fact that we were surrounded by mirrors. I wanted to hang on to the chains from the ceiling while my naked legs were wrapped around Edward's head. I wanted him to pound relentlessly into me after he got me all wet from rubbing my clit with his nose as he fucked me with his tongue. _Holy hell, I have to get out of here._

These fantasies were out of control. I wouldn't hold out much longer if he kept putting me in situations like this. I'm like some over sexed teenager with rampant hormones. I didn't want this to just be sex. Maybe I did. If this was just sex then I could stay with my husband and we could happily raise our children and I could still have a healthy and happy sex life. _I'm totally beginning to understand polyamoury. _

"Can we please just work out?" I forced myself to ask as I attempted to get my breathing steady.

"Yes." Edward huffed like a disappointed little boy but pulled himself together and into work mode. He was surprisingly easy to read. Jake was always so closed off. He was either stone faced or everything was a fucking joke to him. But Edward, I could feel what he was feeling. I only hoped it was because I understood his motivation, not because he was that good at acting.

* * *

We started slowly but since I had already warmed up on the treadmill Edward wanted me to go to the hanging bag. He outfitted me with some gloves and showed me what to do. It looked easy but was ridiculously hard. Especially since my lack of coordination made it difficult for me to hit the bag two times in a row, let alone repeatedly. Edward made of fun of me and then we did some light sparring. I felt comfortable with him again. I could still feel a strong attraction, but it almost felt like we were making some headway and becoming friends.

My boxing God told me how he had gone to school for physical therapy and nutrition on the East coast but that he had to come back to Seattle.

"I felt a pull here. Now I know why." He glanced up shyly at me.

"Really? That's kind of cheesy you know?"

"No wonder your husband isn't romantic. You probably shoot him down every time and make him feel like an idiot," he snapped.

"I'm sorry? You're defending him? That's not a really good way to get into my pants."

"I'm not trying to 'get into your pants.' Right now," he clarified. "All I'm saying is that I'm telling you how I feel and you throw out the sarcasm. Do you always deflect everything you're not comfortable with?"

I didn't even let my brain think before my mouth started working. "Yes."

"You're good enough. You are worthy of being loved and being taken care of," he said as he slowly crossed the room with his arms out to me. Dammit! He was good. This isn't just something guys say to fuck a girl is it? Gah, I've probably heard worse lines. _Am I that obvious? Oh God, do I look desperate?_

"Whatevah playa!" I held up my fingers in the W sign and rolled my eyes.

By the time he got to me my eyes must have been in the back of my head because I only felt him put his arms around my back and hold onto my shoulders.

"Would you stop? I took a few psych classes too. Enough to know that you are really insecure. And this," he made a circle motion around my face, "is all a mask. I thought I wore one. You are sarcastic and bitchy whenever I try to get close. Do you do this to everyone else? Because you are really sweet and caring and gentle and kind."

I couldn't even fight him. I let him hold me. I hung my head in between us. Sadly though, I didn't know if was because I was ashamed for being so offputting or embarrassed because of all the things he said.

"You are so convinced that I only want to fuck you. Is that all anyone else ever wanted? Or is that all you gave? I want more. It's not just sex, although trust me, I want to peel off all your clothes right here and fuck you on your knees from behind so I can see every bit of your beautiful body," I might have whimpered out loud. "But for right now, let's just be friends. Let's just hang out and see. I won't push you. I promise. Well, I can't promise I won't say dirty dirty things to you, but I'll keep my hands to myself. Mostly. He doesn't stop you from having friends, does he?"

"No, of course not." I pushed Edward away from me. His body, his breath, his very nearness made thinking almost impossible. At least rational thinking. Not to mention, it was one thing if I insulted my husband, but I wouldn't let anyone else do it. "He's not an asshole." The snarky tone started to rise again. "Edward, we shouldn't be friends. I'm not stupid, and despite what I might have alluded to, neither is Jake."

"I'm not asking for a romantic dinner and a night out dancing. Let me take you to lunch. See me in a different setting." The hands came back up to rake through his hair in frustration. "Look, I know I said I don't want to wreck your marriage. I don't. I just think... I just want to show... UGH!" He hit the large freestanding punching bag. Unlike when I had kicked it, it actually moved. Part of me wanted to jump in with some lame sarcastic remark but the other part told me to just shut the fuck up. Frustrated Edward was fucking hot.

He whipped around and got right back in my face. "You're not happy. You've said it a million times. You don't even like him. You guys don't talk or hang out and from everything you've said, he doesn't treat you the way you should be treated. He's lazy, he's thoughtless, he's selfish." His voice rose a little with every insult/true statement. "I don't even know the dude! I'm just repeating back to you what you have said! I'm hard working, and smart. Financially, I've done pretty well, and no, before you mouth off, I don't think that's all this is for you. But weren't you the one who said, 'People marry for love or money. I didn't get either?' I can give you both."

I want to say that it was his lips that crashed down to mine. But in reality, I'm pretty sure I stood on my tiptoes to reach him. We pressed our lips together and he opened his mouth. I followed suit and waited for the forceful tongue to dart in and out. But it didn't happen. His tongue slowly found mine. He pulled back and bit my bottom lip. Hard. And then he sucked on it. He moved back in and placed his hands on my face. He took control and tilted my head to the side and back slightly. The angle naturally made me open my lips to him. And he still didn't dive in. He moved so slowly. As if he was holding back his strength for me. Edward moved one of his hands to the back of my head and I felt his long fingers work on my ponytail holder. I didn't want to think of Jake now but I couldn't help but compare the two. I kept waiting for the fumbling to begin. For the inept hands to start groping and kneading my breasts. For thick, rough fingers to start rubbing between my thighs no where near where they should be.

But it didn't happen.

He kept his hands above my waist. His thumbs barely brushed the underside of my breasts as he cupped my torso. His fingers on my back played my ribs like ivory piano keys. It was too much. It wasn't enough. I was positive there was something screaming in my brain, but I couldn't hear it over the sounds of our lips and tongues touching. I want to say that he lowered me to the ground, but I know I pressed on his shoulders until he followed me down to the mat. There hadn't been anyone else in so very long.

My blood was racing around my body leaving it tingling in waves.

My face, his palm. My neck, his teeth. My breast, his forhead.

He was leaning into my chest. Working his way down from temples he stopped to nuzzle the center of my breasts and began to murmer. He was kneeling at my altar. Praying at me, for me, in spite of me. The tingles grew as his touch became more pronounced.

"Please, please, please," he begged me as he pulled on the straps of my top. I was totally incoherrent. I might have said. I would like to say that I said no, but how could I?

His mouth, his sweet, plump lips that formed sweet, sugary words. He licked at where the straps had been. He peeled my orange tank down exposing my bra. Gently, so gently, he placed his fingers inside the cups and pulled down while palms pushed my breasts up and out of the bra. I was so exposed and I wanted to be so uncomfortable and embarassed. Once again, as if he could read my mind, Edward said the perfect, beautiful words, at the perfect time.

"Look baby. Please," oh more begging, "look how you fit right into my hands." He lifted my breasts up and I didn't feel disgusted by them. "I knew they would be the same color as your sexy little mouth. Lick your lips for me. Stick out that pretty little tongue." His thumbs came up to my mouth much like they did the first time we got this close.

He ran the pad of his left thumb over my tongue and lowered it to my right nipple. They were already hard and tight with excitement and the tingling began to move down my belly as he circled his thumb around.

"Let me see that tongue again." While he pulled and played with my nipple he began to put his thumb in my mouth. This was far from exotic but I felt so primal doing it. I stopped thinking and let my body just move. I licked at his thumb and swirled my tongue around it. I closed my lips and began to suck. Gently, and then harder, alternating with my tongue and my lips and my teeth. "Fuck Bella baby. Ohhh, you're so good."

I suddenly felt like I knew what I was doing. His words spurred me on and made me feel powerful. I took his hand with both of mine and pulled his thumb from my mouth with a loud pop in the tiny room. As if he couldn't bare to be away from my mouth he brought his lips back to mine as guided his now wet thumb down my body. I felt him try to stop and stray to touch my other nipple, but I couldn't wait. I brought his fingertips to the inside of my black yoga pants. He didn't pull, but he began brushing the back of his hand against my lower belly. It was soft after having children and for a moment I worried when his hand stopped moving.

He was good about my tits, but he had only seen them with the bra still _under_ them. But my belly. He could be caressing tight, young, childless bodies instead of my soft little protrution. Suddenly I was horrified and wanted to stop.

I nearly yanked his hand away when he whispered, "So soft. A real woman. Soft and curvy in all the right places. I love this." He turned his hand and shifted me slightly to the side of him. His warm palm was flat against my not so flat stomach. His fingers danced at the top of my pubic hair. "I can't wait to see you."

I thought his fingers would keep sliding down, but much to my deep down in my toes disappointment, he stopped. He didn't move his hand as I kept mine around it. He placed his other arm around me again and wrapped me into a tight hug. He bit slowly, softly, into my neck and my hips rocked forward involuntarily. "I will. I will see you. All of you. These strong, silky shoulders," he told me as his hands followed his words, "these soft, curvy titties with perfect little nipples, your belly button, your hips, your sweet pussy and your perfectly grabable ass. I will see it all, but not here. I can't do this to you here. I want to take my time with you and I want you to trust me totally."

As he had slipped my clothes down in the wake of his fingers, his little speech brought everything back up, possibly too much.

"I really want for you to be mine completely though. I won't ask you to leave him. I don't want you to go from one bad thing to another because you're not ready. And you're not ready. But you listen soooo well."

He threw that last bit in with a smirk behind his words. I knew he was trying to lighten the situation before we walked away from each other, from this room, but nothing would take away this heavy, cold lump in my chest and the pit of my stomach that formed as soon as his warm body moved away from mine.

"Bella. Bella? Tell me you're okay. Tell me you don't regret what just happend."

But I don't think I had talked since this whole thing started and I definitely couldn't form words right now. They were there. In my throat. Behind a huge, cold lump that threatened to push big, fat, salty tears out. And I couldn't. I couldn't sob in front of him. I couldn't tell him how I didn't regret it. How I felt perfect and lovely and sexy and not like just a mom or a wife. I couldn't push out the words 'stop' 'stay' so I stayed kneeling on the mat. And even though the words never left my throat, that nasty lump pushed through anyway and came out in a strangled sob. Not for what we had done, but for what I was missing.

I didn't move. I couldn't. I was grounded. Pinned in some fucked up fashion on my knees as if asking for someone's Grace. My own? Jake's? Edward's? But I didn't have to move. Edward came to me and held me again. He didn't speak or ask any questions. He didn't get frustrated when all I did was cry. He didn't demand I tell him, or even give him a clue as to what was wrong. He didn't give me suggestions, or tell me to stop crying. He only moved me down to sit on the floor so I wouldn't have to prostrate myself anymore and he let me cry.

"I'm sorry Jake," I whispered to myself through my tears. "I'm so sorry."

But for what I wasn't sure.

* * *

A/N Please let me know what you think. You're reviews are my motivation to keep posting.

Also, I wrote a tiny little drabble of a o/s. I don't think it's anything, but my mind is mulling it over more and more every day. Leave me love on that one too.

Thanks,

E's


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**

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**I was so sick of all the invites to my pity parties. Fortunately, I was the only one. I didn't have the energy to go all out with food and decoration. I was far too exhausted from just trying to make it through the day. Truly, smiling had become painful. As long as I didn't cry in front of anyone I considered the day successful. I was pretty sure Rosalie and Renee were in the dark. It's not that I didn't feel safe talking to them, I just didn't feel like exposing my feelings or thoughts to anyone. I was trying damn hard keeping them from myself as it was.

After Edward and I had our little make out session and I had my small breakdown, I cleaned myself up, told Edward I would contact him, and drove to my sister's. I cried the whole way there. I pulled into the back of a Walmart parking lot just to cry. Big, heaving, body racking sobs, that made my throat and my eyes burn. At one point I turned off the radio and plugged my i pod in just so I could listen to misery from the outside in. Every time another depressing song came on I turned it up louder and cried harder. I had to open the door a few times to dry heave. Thank God for baby wipes in the car. I told myself to shut the fuck up and get the hell over myself.

"There are little girls just trying to go to kindergarten and getting bombs thrown at them for being the wrong religion." I tried to play the news cast over in my head. Whenever I started to think "woe is me" I would think about the time I had seen the story on the BBC about the little girls in Ireland. I felt ashamed of myself for ever thinking I had anything hard or to cry over. But this time it didn't work. I still felt awful for those children and their parents but I felt awful for my children, and me, and Jake. I thought about what a total asshole I was. I thought about how unhappy I was. I thought about the fights, all the things that I hated about him. I thought about how I didn't want my son to grow up like him and I didn't ever want for my daughter to settle for someone like him. I cried over how fucking stupid I was and what a miserable, ungrateful, unloving, wife I was.

Marriage was forever. It was a commitment two people made to each other to stick it out no matter what. To always be there for each other whether they wanted to be or not. Although I think it was supposed to be more optimistic than that. Richer, poorer, sickness, and all that bullshit. Forever and ever and ever till death do you part. Right?

Well, not for my parents, or Rosalie, or anyone in Hollywood, or apparently fifty percent of the nation. But it was supposed to be different for me and Jake. We talked about it before we got married, you know, like you're supposed to. Marriage isn't all sunshine and roses. It's hard work. Every day. It's not 50/50, it's 100/100 (thanks Dr. Phil.) And my partner is not the source of my happiness. I am.

Where the fuck was I going with this pep talk? I had looked at myself again and prayed that Rose had too much going on in her life to notice my fuckeduppedness. I was right and lucky. When I got to my sister's house it appeared that she was just trying to keep everyone alive and not let her house burn down.

"Hey, thanks. Were they okay? Did the kids eat?" I asked breezing into Rose's kitchen.

"They were good. I changed Bec, but I think she needs to eat. Want to stay for lunch? Just tuna fish sandwiches, but," she trailed off with no plans to complete her thoughts.

"No, I gotta run. My house is a disaster area and these guys need to nap. Me too I think, I'm not feeling so well." And I wasn't. I was sick sick sick to my stomach and only wished I had some Xanax to help me stop shaking and maybe sleep. Part of me really hoped Jake was home, the other part really didn't want to talk with anyone.

Rose commented on how I did look kind of shitty compared to this morning, but I couldn't be bothered to make a deal out of it. In fact, I simply agreed with her. I gathered everyone up and headed to the car in an attempt to not cry in front of Rose. At least the tears were silent this time as we drove home. Every once in a while my shoulders would shake and I had to move my rear view mirror so Paul couldn't see me, but I held it together for the most part.

* * *

When I got home Jake was there. I told him I wasn't feeling well and asked him to take the kids. I went into our bedroom and cried some more. When my eyes were puffy, itchy, and dry, and my head ached from sobbing, I got up to shower. The household had been quiet and I was incredibly thankful for that. I waved to Jake on my way into the bathroom. He looked up questioningly with Becca in his arms.

"You okay Bel? Can I get you anything?"

"No." My throat was raw and scratchy and my voice didn't sound like my own. "I just have a really bad headache. You know, sinuses, sore throat, just a head cold. I'm going to hop in the shower. You all set?"

He looked genuinely concerned. "We're good. Take some Sudafed stuff and go back to bed."

"K." I sniffled again, my head throbbing. "Um, thanks."

I couldn't even enjoy the hot water. He was concerned. He actually asked how I was and on top of that, he took care of the kids without a word. I'm an asshole. He always does what I ask. _Okay so it takes hours, sometimes days, but it gets done right? _ And he encourages me to have my own time. _Yeah, so he can have his without complaint. _Oh God, even the last fight we had he smiled like it was nothing serious. I told him I hated him. I said that I hated our marriage and the only good that came out of it were my children. And he smiled and told me he loved me anyway. _I'm an asshole. _

_

* * *

_

I had ignored every one of Edward's texts. I told him I would contact him. I had gone back to the gym twice but even then I went to the one two towns over. I couldn't face him. I answered Rose's texts with short one word answers begging off about a busy schedule. I was doing my best to ignore Jess. I told her that we did need to talk, but that I just couldn't do it right now and could she please just give me some space. I barely spoke to Jake except about the children, or maybe dinner.

I was a ghost in my own house. I was a ghost in my own body. I'm pretty sure I at least smiled, laughed, and talked with my children. I hoped I did.

I felt myself slipping. I thought maybe I had made up the part of my life where I sat for months on end, not moving, not thinking, not even crying. I really thought that I was past all of that. I had perspective on life now. I was married, with children. I had friends and family. I went out with girlfriends, did couple things. I was done with school and wasn't working. It was everything I ever wanted my life to be. So why wasn't I happy? Why did it hurt to breath? Why did my head feel like it was stuffed with cotton and my throat lined with sandpaper?

Jake and I weren't fighting, but I think that was because we weren't speaking. For once he wasn't mad at me for it. Well, except when he'd try and hold me and would just curl in on myself. He was frustrated. I could understand that but I couldn't help it.

It had been days and Jake was reaching his limit.

"Hey."

"Hey. Did you need something?" I asked staring into my fifth cup of coffee. It wasn't sarcastic or snotty. I felt so guilty about closing my own husband off I figured the least I could do was cook for him.

"Yeah," he nodded, "my wife back would be great. I'm trying really hard to be sensitive, but what the fuck is going on? Did something happen? Did I do something? You haven't been like this..."

"In years," I finished. "Nothing happened. I don't know what's wrong. I thought I was past all this, but... I don't know. I should call my doctor. Maybe it's just a little hormonal thing. I'm sorry. I know I'm awful to be around."

"It's just that, every time Jess was going through her emotional break downs you were the one talking her down from the ledge. I just don't get it. All of a sudden?" He was clearly exasperated and trying desperately to hold onto his tenuous control. He wanted to rage. He wanted to freak out and throw something. I could see it in his clenched fists.

Part of me really wanted him to. If he lost it then I could say, "_See? He's volatile and he's angry at you! He doesn't care that you're hurting!_" But he didn't. He hung his head and waited.

"I forgot. I forgot what it was like. It's not something I can control. Rose has just been dealing with some shit, and Jess too, and I guess, I don't know. I'm just feeling a little bogged down. I'm sorry." I couldn't stop apologizing. I wanted to smash my head against the counter just to feel something other than whatever the fuck it was I was feeling.

"Whatever is going on, I miss you. I just want you to be okay. Let me know if you need something. I'm really trying, with the kids and the house and stuff. I hope it can help." With that he walked out of the kitchen.

I wanted that to be enough. He was a good man. A good father. So he wasn't perfect. _Who the fuck is? I'm sure as hell not._

The part that was killing me the most was that I couldn't tell if I felt so awful because I had cheated on my husband or because I was drowning in complacency. I just wanted to be happy. There it is again. _What the fuck is happiness?_

Twenty somethings get a quarter life crisis. Fifty somethings get a mid life crisis. What the fuck am I having? Does anyone else in the world get the option to be this self absorbed? I was totally disgusted with myself. I was hurting everyone including myself.

Edward's texts were getting more frantic.

**Past concerned on to full blown worry. Please call.**

**I'm sorry. So so sorry. I was so very wrong. Call me.**

**Are you ok? Obviously not. This is killing me. Please just let me know you and your family are alright.**

**Just tell me you're taking your time. I'll wait. Just tell me you love him. I'll leave.**

It was that last one that finally got me. I had no idea this was hurting him too. I didn't want him to leave. I wasn't ready to talk to him, but I was still just selfish enough to want to keep him around. I definitly wasn't ready to face anyone but I had to grow the fuck up and take some responsibility.

**E- Sorry so quiet. Still have a morning appointment open? -B**

**B- Everything has been open for you. -E**

**

* * *

**I had so much to say to Jacob, to Edward, and someday, to my children. I needed to be a better mom and for that I really had to be a better person. I deserved happiness and love and security and peace of mind and friendship and fulfillment. And so did everyone around me.

Clearly I still had no answers. Not for myself or anyone. This wasn't necessarily my choice alone anyway.

I went and found Jake playing with Paul while Becca sat in her bouncy seat. She was laughing and babbling at my husband and son wrestling on the floor. I stood in the doorway and watched for a minute. Jake looked up and smiled his big white toothy grin.

"Hey babe. Feeling better?"

"You sick mommy? Have to go to hospital? See doctor?" Paul looked terribly concerned with my well being.

"Mommy is fine baby. I was just feeling kind of yucky."

"You all better?" He asked as he wrapped himself around my leg.

It took everything in me to not burst into tears, though at this point, I couldn't even tell why I would be crying.

"Um, not all the way." I patted his head and turned to Jake. "I'm so sorry honey. Would you just be Mr. Mom for a little longer? I just want to go lay down. I swear though, tonight, I'll make dinner."

"It's alright. We're doing fine and I can handle dinner or whatever," he said looking around the living room. There were two laundry baskets filled with clothes that could have been clean or dirty. There were several granola bar wrappers and juice boxes on the table too, but who the fuck was I to say anything right now. As long as he was feeding and changing them I couldn't say shit.

I smiled slightly and sniffled which led to coughing. _Maybe I am just sick. _

I got into bed and grabbed my Nook. I was reading several books at a time and just wanted to not think about my life. I loved being able to get lost in a world of someone elses creation. I flipped through my library. Ooh, Heather Masen. But how many times can her lead forgive the idiot she's with? I mean, I guess he's a decent guy, but he keeps fucking up and she keeps saying, "it's okay cause you love me and I love you." Is that love? Forgiving others for their faults and seeing past that to the inner core? What if their stupid history keeps fucking everything up? Do you forgive that too? No, skip that one for now.

Ahh, Mary Team, another favorite. I love her characters. They are so totally fucked up and totally in love. Like stupid in love and can't get enough of each other. Ever. Even when they were with other people they were drawn together. And then they get to be together and they fight and they are bat shit crazy together but they are in physical pain when they are apart. Is that how it's supposed to be? Crazy, deep, to the point of pain, love. Forsaking all others no matter what? Loving each other so much that you can't breath without one another. That everything you do is solely for the others well-being or happiness even if it doesn't seem that way at the time?

Gah. I couldn't handle either of those right now. I didn't have that kind of love with Jake. I never would. But is it real? Does that really exist without one or both of the parties ending up dead? I loved him. We had two children together, had been together for nearly 10 years. We had history. We had grown together and changed so much for the better. But was that because of each other the result of time and maturity? I didn't have this deep need to be with him or around him. If anything, I loved when Jake went out, especially if it was for a weekend or something. I missed him when he was gone, but went straight to the nasty bitch face when he walked in the door, finding something to be pissed off about immediately.

And what about our faults? Should I just keep listening to the apology followed by "I love you" every time he fucked up? Or was I being totally ridiculous and expecting too much? Guys aren't the same as girls. We do things differently, we see things differently. Just about every woman I had ever talked to had the same complaints about her husband or boyfriend. So he didn't clean the way I did. He was neat enough. And he couldn't follow directions for shit, he managed to get things done. He loved his children and he spent time with all of us. And he was happy to let me do my own thing. _Okay, well not the facial piercings, but he did say he was cool with more tattoos._ And he never gave me shit about the house being a mess...

FUCK! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! Are those my only options? This wasn't helping me at all. I set my Nook down and closed my eyes. I thought about Edward touching me and whispering in my ear. It made me want to touch myself. Then I thought about the last time Jake and I made love. Well, had sex and it was just one more thing to consider.

I had been thinking of Edward and using my vibrator. Jake and I hadn't been together in a while and he was only in the next room. As usual, he was on the computer still having a beer when I went to bed. But I wanted to make an effort. I called him into our bedroom. He climbed in bed and began kissing me. Right away I was wishing it wasn't him and turned my head. He palmed my pussy and began rubbing.

"What are you doing?" I was turned on from my own fantasies but he was steadily killing that buzz.

"Touching you. Don't you always tell me you want me to touch you more?" He asked with a smirk, trying to sound sexy.

"Well, yeah, but," I huffed in frustration, flipped over to my knees and grabbed my vibrator again, "do you even know where my clit is?" I was irritated and frustrated. I couldn't even get a good fucking unless I did it myself. "Just do it."

"Oooh, you wanna just fuck?" Yeah, I think that was supposed to be hot, but it sounded so lame. I tried to shut my mind off and just focus on my body. I thought about how Edward's hair would tickle my back in this position. I thought about how he would take the time to learn my body, how his tight abs would press against me and how he was probably strong enough to hold me in a myriad of positions. Not just from behind so he could get his nut off.

After a few minutes we got into a good rhythm and I maneuvered myself so I could at least get off with some help. I don't know if I was doing anything different, but I could tell he was going to orgasm hard. I begged him to wait for me and tilted my ass up higher pressing my clit harder and turning up the device. I felt the warm flush go through me and Jake grunted a few times, collapsing on top of me.

"That was great baby." Jake panted out. "Really fucking good. I'm going to hop in the shower." He kept shaking his head as if to clear it as he made his way to the bathroom.

_At least I came this time. _

Oh my God! My head hurt, my stomach hurt, and my heart hurt. I couldn't keep doing this. I had to talk to Jake. Even if I never ever ever told him about Edward, we still had things to sort out. I owed him that. I owed myself that if that I was going to be with anyone else. I owed Jake, my husband, the father of my children a fuck load more than I owed to Edward, but that didn't mean I could just forget about him. I knew that I was technically on my own for this, but there's a reason a girl has a best friend.

**J- I'm driving you to work tomorrow. -B**

**B- You are alive! See you at 7. Love you -J**

"Jake? Jess needs a ride to work tomorrow? And then I'll just hit the gym after. Do you mind?"

* * *

**A/N**** Leave me love. Reviews=validation and justification for ignoring my family :)**

**Fuck! Forgot to add- **

**Wanted to say thank you to Secamimom for letting me use her name and story Can't Stay Away (****.net/u/1758289/secamimom)**

**And TeamBella23 and her inspiring Edward and Bella characters from Closer, California Waiting, and her newest installment, Crawl (.net/u/1884161/TeamBella23)**


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters or rights to them. Not making any money off this. Just really enjoying it and the responses.  
**

**I was fricking floored by all the alerts I kept getting for this story. You all amaze me! I have over 50 reviews *big cheesy grin*. Although, I really, really wish I could hear from all of you who have favorited me or this story, I'm just happy to know you're out there. For now *narrows eyes***

* * *

I woke to Paul prying my eyelids open.

"Mommy, you awake? Get up." Jess had said seven, so I might as well get up now.

"Jake" I shook his shoulder. "Jake! I need you to get up. The kids are up and I have to bring Jess to work." He grunted and rolled over.

I got up with Paul, who informed me Becca was upstairs crying. I took care of diapers, potty, breakfast for Paul, a bottle for Bec, let the dog out and made my coffee. Jake was still in bed.

"Hey. Um, I kinda need you to get up." I couldn't stop the snotty tone. I knew I shouldn't. More flies with honey and all that.

"Yeah. I know. I heard you." Jake was always so lovely in the morning.

Once again, I felt at war with myself. On the one hand I was the one heading out to bring Jess to work (which was technically my request) and then I'd be going to the gym after (for what, doesn't matter) while he stayed home with the kids. On the other hand, HE'S THEIR FATHER AND HE'S NOT ON FUCKING VACATION! He should get his ass up too. Why is it my job to get up every morning with the kids and take care of the household while he sleeps in because he stayed up late drinking? If he were at work I would get up and do all the same things. Then, I would bring the kids with me while I confessed everything to my best friend and later went to meet my secret boyfriend at the gym. However, HE WOULD BE WORKING! And yes, in my head, it was big shouty capital letters emblazoned on giant red flags.

"Okay." I tried to sound more contrite. "I have to leave soon and I still have to get ready. So…"

With that Jake huffed and got out of bed. He headed straight for the bathroom and spent the next ten minutes doing God knows what in there. I had six minutes to myself before I had to leave. Between the drive to Jess's work and the gym though, I would have enough time to put my makeup on in the car. When I got to Jessica's house she was already standing on the porch smoking. As soon as she saw me she began dancing on her toes like a five year old. I barely had the car in park before she bolted to the car. She didn't even take her usual "one last drag" before throwing the butt. One would think she making a getaway from a bank robbery. I think if the window was open she would have dove into it.

"Tell me EVERYTHING!"

"Good morning Jess. I've missed seeing you too. How was your week?" The more I ignored the more frantic her hand movements got.

She calmed down momentarily and looked directly at me. "So really though, how are you?" It's like she saw something in my eyes and knew this wasn't all girly teenage bullshit.

"I'm freaked out. And sad, and hurt, and crazy, and guilty, and embarrassed, and thrilled and excited. Mostly though I'm confused out of my damn mind."

"Yup. I know." She was nonchalant about her response. "I thought the kiddos would be with you. Can I smoke?" Jess flipped her hair and began digging through her bag before I could answer yes. "You're not a bad person you know?"

Was everyone a mind reader?

"I'm a bad wife and if all I think about is myself a bad mother too."

"Maybe," she shrugged, "but not a bad person. You're human. You deserve to be happy."

"Um, thanks?" I raised my brows and shifted my eyes in mock confusion.

"So did you sleep with him yet?"

"How are you so calm about all this? And no."

"It's not my life. And he's hot as hell. I would have. Ooh, in the group exercise room with all the mirrors, on the stage. That would look fucking awesome. Especially if you turned just the disco light on or something!" This time I furrowed my brows.

"Jess, for real? I'm not having sex with him at the gym. Or at all. For now." I clarified.

"Alright, so lets talk." She waved her cigarette around motioning for me to speak.

"I don't know. Like I said. I'm fucking confused. Honestly? I really dig him. He's so very hot with a body to die for!" I sang the last part. "But, he's a kid. He's sweet but all we've done is hung out during training sessions. So yeah, we've probably talked a fuck load more than Jake and I ever have, but come on. It's not like we've gone out on dates and he's met my family and shit. I think he's just caught up with the fantasy of an affair or something. He has no idea what he's getting into." I forced myself to relax the grip on the steering wheel. The more I talked the more tense I got. "I have children with Jake. I have a life with him. It's not like we're in college and I can just rent a new place when the lease is up. Even if we split, we'll be tied together forever. And besides, who the fuck leaves their marriage because the other option is hot as fuck?"

"Loads of dudes do. Haven't you ever heard of a 'starter wife?'"

"You watch too much Lifetime" I replied. "Besides, I'm pretty sure those are rich guys who have made it big and now they want a hot, young, trophy wife. I'm not really in a position to be having a trophy anything. I don't even have a job right now Jess." I finished exasperated. Who was I kidding? Nothing was going to change and I couldn't just go run off with my hot, young, trophy boyfriend and pretend I didn't have a family and obligations.

"Swing by a Starbucks. Let's get coffee first," Jess said as she pointed out her window.

"Don't you have a job?"

"Yeah, but I don't have shit to do and no one really gives a fuck if I'm there or not. I don't think I've worked a full eight hour shift since I started." She rolled her eyes.

Whatever, it was her job.

"K. But I have to get to the gym for 9:30. I have an appointment." I tried out my coy look on Jess.

She gave a small laugh and lit up another smoke as I pulled to the curb. "I should just go back to smoking instead of all this diet and exercise bullshit. Just a little drag," I said as I pulled the cigarette out of her hand. "Eww. Gross. Now my breath will be all coffee and cigaretty."

"That's what gum is for. Are you planning on kissing him?"

"Shut up. You're paying for my coffee."

We stepped into the warm and slightly acrid-smelling, building. We settled into a small table away from the door. We talked for the next forty-five minutes about our idiot husbands and our various views on the uselessness of marriage. For every negative thing I said though, I countered with all the reasons he was a good husband and father, albeit silently.

By the time we finished I still had no answers about the fate of my own marriage but learned that Jess had struck up an emotional affair at work. She denied that it was an affair and swore they were just friends, despite the fact that he had left his wife, had asked her out numerous times, and that she often went to him for support when she and Liam weren't getting on.

Although it didn't seem necessarily productive, just getting off my chest eventually made me feel better. Our drive the rest of the way to her work was filled with small talk about our plans for the week. As we pulled up to her building she turned to me with a face that meant business.

"Your family loves you. They will support you no matter what you do as long as you are safe and happy. Not wanting to prove your sister right is not a reason for staying in a marriage. I can watch the kids tonight. You guys should talk." She leaned in and gave me a kiss on the cheek. "You look fantastic by the way." With a final wink she grabbed her bag and rushed off to the giant glass doors.

I double checked my hair and makeup and headed to meet Edward.

* * *

"Hey Jake."

"What's up?" I could hear the clacking of computer keys in the background. I took a deep breath and reminded myself that he was an adult and he was in charge of the children and house while I went out.

"So, Jess offered to take the kids tonight. I thought maybe we could hang out." I knew I was hedging but I couldn't drop the "we need to talk" bomb on him. I didn't want to ambush him, but I didn't need his defenses up before we could even sit down together.

"Oh, that was nice. Why would she do that?"

"Cause she's my best friend and thought we could use it. Some people just do nice things." I had to drop the attitude if I wanted this night to work, but, _what the fuck?_ Once again, Jake was showing how very selfish he could be. He rarely did something for anyone (including me) without first asking, "What's in it for me?"

"Alright. I was going to go to Quil's this afternoon after you're done at the gym. Is that cool?"

"Yeah, sounds good. Jess won't come get the kids until later anyway."

"Thanks babe. Love you."

"Love you too." It came out so automatically that I wasn't sure if I even meant it anymore. Within a matter of seconds we had gone from sniping at each other to talking as though nothing had happened. This was a regular occurrence and one I was getting very tired of. I didn't want nasty attitudes and harsh words to be normal; but it was too late. It already was.

* * *

I walked into the gym and checked in. I went on to the locker room and changed into today's cute outfit. Clearly I wasn't as guilt ridden or ashamed as I pretended to be. Between the cardio and leg presses (which were now my favorite) my legs looked awesome. They had always been fairly long but with age and laziness, my thighs had chunked up a bit. They were back to smooth and slim and my calves looked taut even without heels. My confidence and I put on a tiny pair of gray bike shorts. They were tight and short and it was very clear that I had no underwear lines. I kept my push up bra on and donned a stretchy wife beater tank. If I hadn't put on sneakers and makeup my outfit could have easily passed for sleep wear. However, I had seen some of the girls, especially the instructors, working out in less. My belly was in no condition to show off just yet though. I pulled my hair into a high ponytail. Although I did love it dark and long, there was big part of me that had been dying to go bright red, or blond, and lop off a few inches. But Jake preferred my hair this way and for the most part, I didn't mind.

Two minutes to spare. _Don't look too eager. Water bottle? Check. Towel? Check. Phenomenal looking ass? Double check. _I already knew he wanted me so I wasn't quite sure why I was doing this. I knew why. I loved when he checked me out. I loved the reaction I got from him. I loved when his eyes did that smoldery, I-want-to-take-you-caveman-style thing.

It's not that Jake didn't check me out. But it never made me feel sexy. He wasn't covert or even slightly subtle about it. It was like being stared at by a creepy old man in a bar and made me want to wrap a blanket around myself. He leered and said suggestive things that sounded like he had watched too much vintage porn. So very not hot.

Edward though, he didn't even have to give me a "look" to read sex all over him. He was confident and had game. And while that made some men sleazy, on Edward it was like a perfectly tailored suit. Jake had no game. He was so cute in a boyish way. At first I thought that was his game. I later learned that while other boys were noticing girls and figuring out how to impress them, Jake was feeling up his dirt bikes and motorcycle parts in his father's garage. Getting girls was low on his list. I doubt we would have ever even gotten together if it weren't for my flirting and the fact that I mistook his aloof, selfish behavior for deep and mysterious.

I stepped out of the locker room without another thought of Jake. _Fuck it. I'm already in this deep. _I'm not sure where the "ghost of girl" went but once I saw Edward, all my lousy feelings melted away. I didn't want to feel guilty. I had made my choices in life and I had to be responsible to those choices. It didn't mean they were strapped to me like a weight, or a bomb. I needed to honor those choices, but mostly I needed to honor myself. This wasn't life or death here. First I had to talk to Jacob. I couldn't do anything else with Edward until I had at least had a conversation with my husband regarding how I was feeling. However, it didn't mean I couldn't flirt. I wouldn't lead Edward on either, I would be totally straight with him too.

* * *

"Hi." I wanted to give off the appearance that I hadn't been a mess for the past week. I couldn't afford to let Edward know the kind of power he held. I needed to make this decision without his influence. I knew he would give me the world if I asked, he had already offered. But this couldn't be about him.

Edward ducked his head and turned as if someone were trying to read his lips. "I'm sorry B. I've made such a mess over..."

"Stop. Please. It's cool. We're cool. Not here. K?" I whispered. "What have you got planned for me today?" I kept a smile on my face and tried desperately to keep things light. I couldn't fall apart again; definitely not in the gym and especially not in front of this sweet, pained man. He had already taken on too much responsibility for my emotions and actions and I could not allow that to continue.

He looked slightly confused as the hurt flashed across his face. Within seconds though, his work mask was up, and he appeared professional. But I knew he still checked me out as I walked ahead of him toward the bikes.

"Start with some cardio to warm up," he instructed as he ran a hand through his hair. I think he thought he was being nonchalant, but I could see the frustration behind the gesture.

"Edward," I started.

"What? You ignore me for a week after... everything. Then you come waltzing in here with your ass on display for everyone and your tits all pushed up acting as though nothing is wrong. That nothing has," he took a deep breath and continued his whispered hissing, "changed."

"I came okay? I'm here. That has to say something. I'm sorry I ignored you. I kind of have a smidgen more riding on this than you. So you'll have to forgive me if I'm not acting as though I'm a free agent without family and commitments." My breathing was becoming labored as I pumped the pedals.

"I know. I know. You're right. I was just so worried when I didn't hear from you , and I didn't know if I would see you again or even talk to you. Increase the speed just a touch. Add a little more tension," he instructed as another patron neared our station.

I had to stop myself from busting out laughing. _Increase the tension; sexual or otherwise?_ Because right now, both were palpable.

"Alright, today we'll do chest and triceps." He glanced down briefly but didn't change his facial expression. _Damn he's good. Did he notice?_

As I dismounted the bike he leaned over grabbing my water. "But next time where the pink lacy one. I can't see your nipples through this one." His breath was soft and warm and he brushed his forearm against my breasts as he pulled back. "I can't feel them either." He said with a pout. "But they do look pretty from the top. I want to bite your dirty pillows," he whispered.

"Was that a Carrie reference? Freak." I rolled my eyes as we headed to the free weights.

"Yes. I love that movie. Old school scary movies are the best, none of this fucked up Saw shit." He prepped the bar and bench for me.

Those were my favorites too. Over the course of our time together I had learned that we had a lot in common. His parents were still married and he was very close to them. He was an only child and had expressed how much he had always wanted to be part of a big family. He was a bleeding heart liberal like myself and incredibly smart. More than that though, he didn't try to argue everything with me and get me riled up; something Jake enjoyed doing.

"I think I want you to leave teeth marks too." _Oh. My. God. Did I seriously just say that out loud? Flirting! Flirting is okay! No stripping for him hooker! What the hell happened to not leading him on? _"Are we upping my weights this week?_" Maybe he didn't hear me._

He looked up from the weights he was loading on the bar and smirked. "You're not ready. For either. Now be good and don't make this _harder_ than it is._" _He emphasized the word harder and glanced down. "Now come on."

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We continued to flirt throughout the session but no more so than I imagined he did with his other female clients. I tried to keep my thoughts focused on my body and my workout. When I finished with weights we moved to the stretching room. There was no door, but it was off to the side of the main area and it was seldom used when there were no group classes taking place. I worked on releasing my muscles while Edward wrote down some info on a clipboard.

I kept my head down and my eyes focused on the ground. "I'm talking to him tonight."

Edward paused his writing for a minute, but didn't look at me or speak.

"I don't think I'm going to tell him about you, about, what happened. It would just hurt him, and it's not really important," I took a pregnant pause, "to my issues, with um, Jake. Um, you need to know though, it doesn't really mean anything."

This caught his attention. He cocked his head but still refused to look at my face. "What does that mean?"

"He's my husband. I have two children with him. We've been together for a long time and we have a lot of history. I knew I had to talk to you after everything, but... Look, I don't expect you to wait around for me while I figure out what the fuck I'm doing. Basically, I'm a coward, I can't even give you any guarantees. And what happened before was, incredible," I gently sighed. "But, I can't just go ending things because you excite me. What if I'm just not happy with anyone. I'm pretty sure it never works out well in these situations anyway," I added, trying desperately to alleviate the sickness I felt coursing through me.

"Go shower and get dressed."

My heart sank and my stomach dropped. He was dismissing me. I should have been grateful that he had made the choice for me. Of course, I would still have to talk to Jake, but at least Edward wouldn't be the reason for our problems. I was saddened and relieved. I felt bad for me but better for Edward. I was being stupid and selfish. All I needed to do was get a shiny red Porsche and big fake tits and my midlife crisis would be complete.

But he made the right choice, and despite the fact that I teased him about his age, he was clearly the more mature one here. Besides, my kids and I came as a package deal even if I was no longer with Jake. He didn't need an "instant family" and my stupid baggage when he had the world open to him. And I didn't need to jump into something else without knowing what I really wanted anyway.

I closed my eyes and sighed as I headed toward the door. I didn't want to say goodbye but God knows if I walked out of here there was no way in hell I was ever stepping foot back in. It would be the end.

"I'll meet you and your children at your car. I'm taking you all to lunch. Please, just give me a chance."

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FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! Was she really ready to just walk away? Should B just say no, and end this here? Can men and women who are attracted to each other be platonic friends?

K, so normally I don't ask questions or anything, but I'm interested to know what you all think. Some of you have been very vocal on your thoughts of infidelity, so Trainerward aside, is anything Bella's doing okay? Your reviews are like Prozac. Thanks


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters or rights to them. Not making any money off this. Just really enjoying it and the responses.**

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I explained to Edward that I had to go home first but that I would join him. I asked for a little bit of time to get myself together and I would text him when I could. I doubted we would see anyone I knew, but since Jake was staying in Seattle we agreed to go elsewhere for lunch. I drove home with my hands gripping the steering wheel. I was so giddy and anxious, I bounced in my seat and blared my music to avoid thinking. As usual though, it didn't work.

Oh God. I'm so ill prepared for this. How the hell does one prepare for this kind of talk though? I could probably Google it. Dr. Phil must have some information on his website. Of course I'm pretty sure he'd be against cheating. Which is why I'm not. Well, again. I'm not doing anything until I talk to Jake.

Lunch. It's just lunch. I know he was just being sweet but there is no way in fuck I'm bringing the children. Not only would that just be wrong to introduce my children to my potential lover (while still married!) But I'm not about to ask my son to keep secrets or not talk about lunch with another man. Most of the time getting Paul to talk about his day was like pulling teeth. Half of the time he made up his day. This of course would be the one time that his memory was perfect and he described every detail to Jake about my lunch date.

Yeah. Definitely not bringing my small children to be part of a possible illicit affair. Wait, is it an illicit affair if we just eat lunch? Burgers do not say humping. But what about Italian? Or something exotic? What's the one where you eat with your hands family style while sitting on pillows? Okay, I'm way over thinking this. I just need to get home first.

I tiptoed into the house and toed off my gym shoes. Around this time it was best just to be quiet and assume one or both babies were sleeping. Jake met me in the kitchen and informed me that both children were, in fact asleep. He leaned in and I gave him a perfunctory, closed-mouth kiss. I felt like shit and there was no way I could keep this up much longer. I had already accepted Jess's generous offer of more than a few Klonopin. My stomach was in a constant state of knots and the only time my breathing felt normal was when I was running.

"You look nice. So, Quil's today?" I asked as I headed toward the bedroom.

"Yeah, I haven't seen him in a bit so we were going to go out to Bainbridge Island. There's some breweries and a barbecue place I want to try." Jake went back to the computer to read some reviews. Why can't he put this kind of thought into our outings?

"Oh. I thought you were just going to Quil's house to hang out. Um, I did mention that Jess was going to take the kids tonight, right? I just…" I trailed off not sure where I was going with my thought.

"Yeah, well, it's still early so I was just going to have some lunch out there. Besides, you said she's not getting the kids until after work. I'll be back in plenty of time."

Since he was still talking I didn't want to close the door to our bedroom, but I didn't want to take off my clothes in front of Jake either. I just didn't want to encourage anything. As it was, the more I brushed him off the less concerned he became with how I was feeling and the more angry he got with me. I tried to move quietly to the bathroom. Jake came up behind me and gave me a hug before I stepped into the bathroom. I gripped the towel around my naked chest and stood still as he wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed my neck. The guilt felt like led in my gut and I wanted to vomit. Instead I shivered and Jake took that as a positive response. He ran his hands up and down my arms. I tried my damnedest to shut off my brain and just respond physically. We hadn't been intimate in a few weeks and I couldn't keep remaining so standoffish. I was at the point though where faking it was no longer an option.

"Okay good. I uh, I thought we could take advantage of tonight," I turned out of his embrace, "and talk." I quickly added my chosen activity lest he think we would use the child-free evening to get physical. I hated that I had to clarify that point. After the distance we've had it still amazed and saddened me that Jake still didn't get it. I guess I couldn't totally blame him though, what guy doesn't think sex will fix everything? And of course chicks in romance novels. No matter how upset or hurt they are, these women are wet and ready to jump some unbelievably sexy guy. Not in my reality.

I wasn't expecting it necessarily but I was really hoping to see understanding. No such luck. The frustration and irritation on Jake's face was clear. I was used to it though. Much as I'm sure he was getting used to being rebuffed. At least one would think. I really wanted to avoid the kiss of death though and I thought I had pulled it off, sort of.

"Jake, listen...um, I know I've been... difficult lately. Shut up." I scowled at him and punched his arm as he rolled his eyes at my obvious statement. "I was just really thinking that we could use some time for just us. So, just lunch right?"

"Well, and a couple of beers probably. But nothing big, I'll keep it light."

"Oh. Uh, yeah." Don't be a nagging bitch, keep calm. "Just, you know, don't get too drunk or anything. Okay?"

Jake laughed. "Nah, we just want to hang out. I haven't seen him and I think he met some girl. Might be serious."

"Good for him. Hey, you better head out if you want to catch the ferry. I'm gonna hop in the shower while the kids are still sleeping." I tried to maneuver past him.

"Yeah, I am. What are you up to today?"

"The usual, cleaning, laundry, running errands. So, I'll see you tonight then, around five?" I almost hated how easily the lies fell from my mouth, but it didn't stop me from saying them.

"Alright. Love you." He leaned in for a kiss and I closed the bathroom door giving him a muffled, "have fun."

I turned the water on and docked my I pod on the speakers. I needed something upbeat and silly. Maybe some Violent Femmes. Their songs were inane enough to not make me think.

I wanted to take advantage of the short alone time I had. And while I didn't want to think about Edward or Jake or anything I might or might not do, I couldn't help it as I shaved- everything. A sure-fire way to NOT hook up is by being prepared and shaving. Wearing sexy lingerie usually works too, thanks Bridgett Jones. So that was the plan; cover my smooth, hairless (well, nearly) body with my sexy power push up bra with the ribbon and matching underwear, jeans that made my butt look awesome, and tight, thin, but casual white tee shirt. After all, this wasn't a date. I was just hanging out with a friend for lunch. A very hot friend that my husband didn't know about who had seen me half-naked and whose penis I wanted in my mouth. Crap! I have to stop. I don't want to have to change these underwear.

"Rose? I need a favor. I've got a billion things to do today, any chance you can watch Paul and Bec for me for about two hours?" I dug through my closet to find my worn gray chucks as I cradled the phone to my ear.

"Just stuff." I knew I was whining, but I really didn't want to subject my children to whatever this fuckery was. When this was all over I vowed to be a better mom and person in general.

"Rose, please?" She was being difficult and asking way too many questions. "I can't get into it. You know how it is sometimes. Just, do this for me and I'll owe you."

"Fine, grocery shopping. I'll go tomorrow for you. I'll even buy them. Okay?" There was a pause on the other end of the phone before she agreed. "Thank you, thank you, thank you, I'll be by in twenty minutes."

I hung up and got a bag ready for the kids. Even though Rose's children were older, she still had just about everything there for my children as well. I got my little ones up and ready. I felt like I had barely spent time with my children. Since Jake had been home I often left them with him while I ran errands, or went to the gym. Realistically, I knew that it was okay and I was doing nothing wrong. Tons of parents put their children in day care for eight hours a day and they were fine. And before Jake quit his job I was with them pretty much 24/7. Hell, sometimes I had felt like a single parent. My family helped when they could, but Renee wasn't really the "grandmotherly" type and Rose had her own shit. So my kids came to the grocery store, and the bank, and the vet, and even the gynecologist. Thank God for double strollers.

But I was more than a mother, and more than wife and homemaker. Lately though, I hadn't felt like much of anything else except for when I was with Edward. My cynical side crept in again telling me that this was no different. Or at least, it would be the same eventually. No man wanted to hear it, but much like women, they were all generally the same. Different quirks, different moods, but that's why we can all laugh at comedians. We all get it.

In the beginning it's all love and attention and appreciation. There's no fighting because you're still in that lovey-dovey, honeymoon phase. And you only show each other your pretty side; the one that's considerate and thoughtful and says, "Oh, no, this is exactly how I wanted to spend my Saturday night. I love Monster Truck Rallies." When you first start dating someone there's no bills to fight over or money to stress about. There's no, "You spent how much, where?" Or "Could you light a freaking' match in there?"

And then I thought about my relationship with Jake. Even from the beginning Jake was insensitive and emotionally cold. His mother's death affected him greatly but he wouldn't talk about it ever. Even when we first got together it was pretty clear that his friends, his "pack" as he called them, came first. He was selfish and disappointed me time and time again even while we were dating. One of our first fights was over something I had no control over and he left me chasing after him while he avoided me. Hell, at one point in our engagement I actually threw the ring and told him it was over. Clearly I was lying. What the fuck possessed me to be with him? I think I thought I could change him. Or maybe my self-esteem was really that low that I thought he was the best I could do. He had grown up some. Having children helped. But he was still a jerk. He still put his own needs above the family's, he was often disrespectful when he spoke to me, and gave me a nasty attitude. Not that I was any better. I hated the way he yelled at Paul, and how hypocritical he was over things... What the fuck am I doing? But we had two children together and had been together for nearly ten years. And obviously it couldn't have been all that bad. Right? Right?

I wondered if Edward would be any different. I thought about that a lot. I had to admit though that I didn't know Edward all that well. At least, in a relationship. We shared the same beliefs about politics and family. He valued education and had worked hard for his. Apparently his family had money but he still had a strong work ethic. He was sweet and he listened to me and we had real conversations. I couldn't remember the last time Jake and I did. And I couldn't even pretend that Jake had once been all those things or that all guys are in the beginning. They aren't.

I pulled up to Rose's and left the car running. I wanted to make this as quick as possible. If I lingered too long, Rosie would see right through me. She met me at the door and I had a feeling I was busted already.

"You're wearing makeup." She stated bluntly with her arms crossed. At least she had a bit of a smirk on her face. "So, what exactly are the 'billions' of things you have to do? Without kids? And on such short notice too?"

There was no getting out of it. Please, please let her understand.

"I'm not getting into now. K? I'm going to lunch. With, someone." She quirked her eyebrows. "A male someone who is not my husband. Wow, this sounds really shitty. This was easier before I said anything. Ugh." I hung my head. "Rose, it's nothing. Really."

"It doesn't sound like nothing." She arched her eyebrows and crossed her arms under her breasts defensively.

"We've been through this before. Be my sister, not my parent. I don't need your judgement, just support. Okay?" I was quickly losing my nerve.

"What do you want me to say? Congratulations? I'm not going to tell you I support your decision. I think there are better ways to go about doing this if you're not happy in your marriage. But, you're right; who the fuck am I to give advice on this? I don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Jake has grown up and changed a lot. I really hoped that I was wrong and that he made you happy. I love you. I want you and Paul and Becca to be happy and taken care of. And it doesn't mean I'll have anything against him no matter what you do, but you know I always thought you deserved better. Just, do me a favor and don't drag me into this again okay? You're my sister and my loyalty is to you. Hell, I'm like the unofficial family secret-keeper, but I'd rather not have details on this for now. Okay?"

I gave Rosie a hug. I knew what she was saying. It wasn't meant to make me feel guilty, just to let me know where she stood. When she hugged me back I knew we were okay.

I got back in my car and sent a text to Edward letting him know I was on my way. We had agreed to meet on Mercer Island but he hadn't told me exactly where. It was a short drive from Rose's house and Edward informed me he was waiting for me at Luther Burbank Park. When I arrived I found him by the playground at a picnic table. As I got out of my car he still hadn't noticed me. I watched him pick at several items on the table and rearrange two or three dishes a few times. I couldn't help but smile at how nervous he looked. The sun wasn't out at the moment, but the weather was fair and a picnic sounded lovely. Especially since someone else had prepared it.

Edward ran his hands through his hair and then smoothed his palms on his jeans. Oh, those jeans looked so good from behind. He looked like he had just come from a GQ photo shoot. Rugged, classic, and manly all rolled into one. I thought about how when I had first met Jake, how he always put an effort into how he looked. Lately though, he wore ripped up, ill-fitting jeans, and tee shirts that accentuated his gut. He could look great when he tried; it was just as if he didn't care anymore. But I didn't want to think of Jake so I focused on the pretty young man before me.

After checking the table for the fourth time since I had arrived, he turned to scan the park. The way his face morphed from nervous concern to a sly grin as he spotted me made my stomach dance. His beautifully smooth forehead was marred by the apparent confusion as he searched for my children.

"Hi," I said nervously as I lowered my head.

"Hi," he responded in kind.

"A picnic. This is really, wow. It looks like you've put a lot of thought into it." I gestured toward the spread trying to avoid his eyes.

"Um, I thought Paul and Rebecca would be with you. So, um, I figured the park would be nice, and then I didn't know what children eat really, or what you would like, so I just got a bit of everything." He followed my lead and stared at the table as well. He was rambling and nervous and it made me feel a million times more comfortable immediately.

"It's perfect. Um, I know we said friends, or, whatever, but I, well, I just didn't think that I should bring the children. Paul tends to talk a lot which may not be a good thing. Besides, it just didn't feel right." Edward gave me a look that I couldn't discern. It was somewhere between hurt and embarrassment.

"Please don't think it's you. It's just that, look, even if I were divorced and dating, or whatever, I still wouldn't want to bring the children around right away. Does that make sense? It's just easier that way. I guess."

He nodded his assent but I could tell he still didn't fully get it. Now it was my turn to ramble. "I mean, we're not dating, we're having lunch, but still... So um, have you ever dated a woman with children?" Deflect, deflect, deflect.

"Honestly, no. When I was 21 I met a girl in college who had a child. It kind of freaked me out. I mean, I was only 21 and her little girl was three, so..." he trailed off.

"It's okay. I get it. Same thing happened to me when I was in college. Only his daughter was five and there was no mother in the picture. I was not ready to fulfill that role." There was silence between us. Well hell, I might as well get it out there now. "So what makes it different now?"

"Oh, um." His hand went immediately to his hair and he tugged on it a bit. He blew out a deep breath. "I don't know. I already told you, I want more, than, um. I don't know. I'm older, and it doesn't matter that you have children. Can we just sit down first? Um, do you want something to drink? I brought iced tea and apple juice and water, and, uh, again, I thought the kids would be here."

He sat down and I couldn't help but laugh. "Great, now you're laughing at me. I have been trying my damnedest to be smooth and suave and act like I have a fucking clue what I'm doing. But I don't. Bella, when I heard the story of how my parents met I always thought it was kind of stupid and that they were making most of it up." He pulled out a bottle of water and handed it to me. He got one for himself as well, but it seemed he mostly just needed something to do with his hands.

"They went to school together and my mother had been dating some guy since the seventh grade. By the time they were in high school they were 'engaged to be engaged.'" He made air quotes and rolled his eyes. "Everyone knew they were going to get married right after they graduated and go to college together. My dad moved there senior year. According to him, when he saw my mother in homeroom he knew he was going to marry her. He had no idea who she was or that she was already with someone. Apparently, he didn't care even once he found out." Edward had a small smile playing on his lips as he looked past me, clearly thinking of his parents. "He sent my mom flowers and love notes, he walked her to and from every class. Hell, he even went to her house, introduced himself to my grandparents and told them that he was in love with my mother was willing to do whatever it took to get her. I think my Grandpa wanted to kick his ass, but my Gigi, my Grandma, thought it was terribly romantic. I think my Grandpa came around when my dad told him of his plans to be a doctor."

It was like straight out of a movie. I had a hard time believing it, but if Edward was half as charming as his father was, I'm sure the whole family fell hook, line, and sinker for it. He set the water bottle down then and took mine out of my hands. We sat facing each other straddling the picnic bench. He took both my hands in his and played with my wedding rings.

"I hadn't planned on telling you this. At least, not any time soon. But, I don't know how not to tell you everything I'm thinking. Especially since it's just us. I wanted to be cool and nonchalant and just show you another side of me outside of the gym and work, but being here, alone with you... I never believed in love at first sight. I thought my parents were full of it. I thought it was just teenage hormones and my father's need to prove something. But Bella, they are just as happy today as when I was little and from the stories I've heard, it's even stronger now. It exists. I know it does because I've seen it. And I feel something with you. Maybe my head was just filled with all this true love bullshit my whole life, but I have to think that we met for a reason."

I stared at him with a blank expression and my mouth gaping open. Oh. My. God. He's a chick. Or maybe he's crazy. That would totally be my luck. I meet someone who is ridiculously gorgeous and sweet and funny and smart and clearly insane. I must not have blinked because Edward squeezed my hand and began calling my name.

"B. Bel?" He blew out a breath and rubbed his face viciously. "You think I'm crazy. It was too much. I'm sorry. I've never said anything like that before, and it was too soon. Right?" He began talking to himself more than me. "I'll uh, just shut the fuck up now."

He went to pull his hands away from mine and I hadn't even realized we were still holding hands. He fingertips slipped to the ends of mine and I scrambled to hold them again.

"Wait. I have no clue what to say to that. I mean, it's not bad, it's just, I've never heard anyone say anything like that and certainly not to me." I didn't want to cry. I didn't want to believe him. It would be too sad and pathetic that I not only did I not have that kind of love, but that I didn't even believe in it.

"Edward. Anything I say right now is going to make me sound old and bitter and jaded. And I don't know if that's because of my current relationship or everything else I've ever seen. My parents were divorced, my sister is divorced, my best friend has had several affairs and just about every woman I've ever talked to just figures that kind of romance only exists in chick flicks.

I'm at the point where I don't see any point in marriage. Honestly, the only reason to get married is if you're going to have kids. I love those initial butterflies in the stomach but it fades. And real life gets in the way and it sucks. And I want to stop thinking so much about this and just get naked with you. I want to take advantage of the fact that a beautiful, young man like you sees anything in me other than a conquest or adventure. But, I can't use you like that to make myself feel better. And I bet you are fucking amazing too. But I think that's about all I can handle right now.

I haven't talked to my husband yet. And to be honest, I don't know what I'm going to say to him, but I'm pretty sure I can't stay with him. It doesn't mean I'm ready to jump into something else. I don't know if I'd ever even want to get married again. And I'm old, and you have so so much going for you, and I'm so very sorry I did this."

I had tears rolling down my eyes but I felt strangely calm inside. I finally felt honest. Honest, but lousy. I had wasted Edward's time and given him some sort of false hope. Especially after everything he had revealed to me about his parents and his view on relationships and love, I couldn't just use him for mind-blowing sex. Crap. That part felt really lousy too. This wasn't supposed to be some deep affair. This wasn't supposed to be anything. I was supposed to come away from this feeling young and beautiful. Well fuck! Maybe if he had just shut his goddamn perfect mouth I could have at least made out with him first and felt guilty later.

He pulled one hand out of mine and wiped my tears with his thumb. His hand went back to my wedding band and he twirled it a bit.

"You don't have to marry me. Not now, not ever if you don't want. I already told you, I don't want you to jump from one situation into another when you're not ready. But please stop treating me like a child. I was just being honest with you. You don't owe me anything because of that. Except your honesty. I'm young, not stupid. I think you're incredible, and I want to get naked with you too. Really soon. But I think we've had enough honesty for right now. How much time do you have?"

"Uh," I checked my cell phone, "a little over an hour still."

"Good," he smirked. He picked up a cantaloupe ball and held it to my mouth. "Can we at least eat some of this food? I went to a lot of trouble, you know to do all this. Some guys might think you owe them." He licked a drop of melon juice that he purposely dripped on my chin. "But don't worry. You're not going to do anything because you _have_ to, you're going to _want_ to."

And like so many times before, he eased the tension and made me smile.

"Did you bring a blanket to our picnic? If not, I think I have one in my car. Maybe we can finish lunch there?"

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So, some of you will hate me. Sorry! But, at least she was honest right? For those of you that really want B to talk to Jake, she will. Eventually. But making out with Edward is so much more fun than a serious, life-changing conversation, don't you think?

Leave me love. I appreciate and consider each and every review. They really are my oxygen, my water, and my reason to get up in the morning!

And P.S. The story about Edward's parents was taken from my brother and now sister-in-law. I changed a few details, but some guys really do feel that way and go for the girl no matter what.


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters or rights to them. Not making any money off this. Just really enjoying it and the responses.**

**A/N- Ok, this is a short chapter. I'm sorry, rl and all that crap so mostly I just wanted to get something out to all of you. You don't care, you just want the chapter. Well, this is a step forward, or maybe some of you consider this backward. Either way, some of you will be happy, kind of. LOL. Leave me love. I really would like to see a 100 reviews! (um, for this chapter would be incredible, but I just mean in total, for now) Anywho, the more reviews you leave, the more likely I am to get my ass in gear and finish up this chap.**

**Love you all! Enjoy!**

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"Really?"

"Hurry, before I change my mind." I wasn't going to change my mind.

We quickly packed up the rest of the lunch; there was still a ton left over. Edward nuzzled my neck and forced me to lift my head. He started at the ticklish junction between my shoulder and neck. His mouth moved upward toward my ear, leaving small, wet kisses on the way. When he reached my ear, he brushed my hair back over my shoulder.

"Where does this leave us? I know you want me, I want you too B, but," he bit my earlobe and I moaned softly.

He didn't finish his statement. He didn't have to. "Edward. Please. You said so yourself, you don't want to push me into anything I'm not ready for. I'm not ready to tell you this is something." FUCK! He was killing me!

He began to work his hands up my thighs as we faced each other, still straddling the bench. He squeezed and caressed moving higher as his thumbs made small circles. "This could be so much more though. Do you really just want a quick fuck in the backseat of a car?" His hands were moving, his breath was hot, my brain was clouded and I began rocking my hips.

"No, I want a nice long, slow, fuck." I retorted. "Edward, this is coerscion. You can't keep touching me like that." His hands stilled. "Don't stop! I just can't promise you anything right now." We were kissing now and touching each other. I had my hands on his face and his were on my waist, moving upwards. "God, you're such a girl," I joked.

He laid his hand over mine on his face. He gently gripped my fingers. I thought he was going to hold my hand. He pressed my palm to his chest and forced it downward. As I reached the waist of his jeans, I didn't need his help to keep going. I palmed his cock over his jeans and began to rub.

"See, I'm not a girl," he whispered.

"Yes, but it's so hard to tell just how much with these jeans. Can we please move somewhere more private?"

He took the hand that was currently attempting to give him a half-assed hand job and wrapped his own around it.

"Come on." He grabbed the bag with the food in one hand and pulled me to standing with the other. "My car is over here."

"A station wagon?" Don't get me wrong. It was a really pretty silver car and looked way pricier than mine, but I definitely didn't expect such a family car.

"I'm sorry. Did you just call my car a wagon? This baby is an Audi RS 6 Avant. And I like the back to be roomy. Now get your ass in the back."

My heart was racing. Holy shit. Was I really going to do this? Fuck it. I was unhappy in my marriage no matter what. This wasn't going to make or break it. It was already broken and to be honest, I didn't want to fix it. If Jake didn't want a divorce, I was okay with that. His kids deserved to see him everyday, but he had to know my heart wasn't in it. I could barely contain my hostility towards him on a daily basis. _FUCK! Stop thinking about Jake!_

I stopped short as I noticed the back seat was folded down and there were a pile of blankets. "A bit presumptuious don't you think?" I tried to give him the bitch face but I was too giddy to pull it off.

"What?" He looked shocked and almost hurt. "I just like to be prepared in case I ever stuck anywhere. Remember, I thought you were going to have the kids with you."

Hmm, he did. So was this for someone else? Should I care if it was? Probably. But at the time, I just wanted to feel him. I wanted him to feel me. I hadn't been touched by anyone other than myself in so long. The last time Jake tried we got into a fight. I couldn't stand the thought of him touching me.

*****EE*****

"Jake please. I'm not trying to be a jerk, I just, I don't want to be touched. Not sexually, not at all."

The more I resisted the more he tried.

"I'm not joking! Cut the crap." I shoved his arm off of my waist. I was getting angry.

He made some grunting noise and turned around in a huff, facing the wall.

"I'm sorry." And for a minute, I really was. Then a thought occurred to me. "Wait, do you think I'm obligated because I'm your wife or something?"

"Well, kind of."

I walked out of the room. I seriously hoped he was joking.

*****EE*****

I must have paused while climbing in the back of the Audi something or other because a sharp sting on my ass brought me back to the present.

"I told you to get your pretty little ass in there." He was smirking and he reared his hand back again.

I scrambled to get myself the rest of the way in and Edward quickly followed. I was still on my hands and knees when I felt him press up against my backside. He moved to hover over me and whispered in my ear, "You like that? Want me to do it again pretty girl? I know I want to. Without anything in my way. I want to spank you. I want you to call my name. Will you let me do that to you?" Holy Hell. It was my naughty fantasies being said out loud. I bet he could pull it off too. Anytime Jake tried to take charge of, well, anything, I pretty much rolled my eyes. It was a joke. But I'm sure if Edward told me what to do, anytime for anything, I'd scramble to make it happen.

I think I may have nodded or whimpered out "yes."

He grabbed my hips and pulled me to him. He caressed down the outside of my thighs and I maneuvered myself around to face him. Again, Edward took charge and cupped his hand around the back of my neck. He slid his hand up into my hair with his fingers spread wide. I thought he was just going to draw my mouth to his when I felt his fingers move and grip my hair tight. He yanked my head back and attacked my neck making me shriek out. His aggression was a turn on and I was so thankful for it. I might have been timid making this whole thing awkward.

My hands fisted his shirt to balance myself. His other arm wrapped around my waist and he laid me down. As he continued to kiss my jaw, my cheekbones, my temple, my own hands pulled at his shirt. Frustrated I couldn't undo the buttons, I slipped my hands under it just to feel his skin. He moved from my face to my neck, my throat and collarbones.

"So beautiful. You taste so good Isabella. I want to lick every inch of you. I've wanted to taste your skin since our first workout." He was murmuring into my flesh but pulled back to look into my eyes. "When you run, your skin sparkles. I adore when you leave your hair down," he stroked the length of it, "it makes you sweat, it runs down your face," he drifted his pinky finger down the curve of my face, "in between here," he continued to follow the curve of my neck and as his hand drifted down towards my chest, he began to unbutton my top.

When he had my shirt open and my chest exposed he pushed my breasts together creating cleavage that didn't exist when I laid on my back.

"I told you I wanted to bite these tits." He leaned in towards the swells he had created. "I want to bite you. I want to suck on you and leave little love bites all over you." His thumbs circled and then brushed over my nipples making them hard. Each time his lips or tongue or teeth nipped at my skin it made me squeal. Goose bumps rose all over tightening my flesh. I was so aroused I couldn't even be bothered to feel self conscious.

"Please, please take this off." I had seen his naked chest that one time only. He was always professional (well, sort of) after that first time we met. I was dying to see him again, up close this time. He sat up a bit while still staying hunched over due to the roof of the car.

_Ooh, ooh, ooh. _Thank God I was laying down or I might have actually swooned. His chest was fit and tight without being exceptionally large. His abs had lines that formed a beautiful six pack. And his jeans were beautifully low on his hips revealing that V I had been missing so much. My hands automatically began to trace the lines of his newly uncovered body. In years I had only seen Jake's shaved chest. I didn't think I'd like hair but this smattering of chest hair was full enough to be manly but still sparse enough to be sexy. I moved from the defined abdominal muscles up towards his nipples. I gently ran my fingers over them, not sure of how he would react. Jake hated when I touched him there. But Edward waited, holding his breath, with his eyes closed while I explored his body.

"Don't stop. Beautiful girl, please don't stop. I've been waiting for your touch. For you." He sounded almost pained. My hands stopped searching the plains of his chest and I swiftly moved them lower to the tops of his jeans. His words were so encouraging, I wanted to hear more. I tucked my fingers into the band and unfastened the well-worn button fly. It came apart easily, exposing the fact that he wasn't wearing underwear.

I wanted so badly to be sexy, to say something dirty, but I was so unsure and insecure at that moment. My body wasn't the only thing that was clumsy and awkward. "Like I said, a bit presumptuious don't you think?"

Again, he looked momentarily stunned, but this time embarrassed. "No, more like lazy. I haven't done laundry in a bit." He shut his eyes and looked down. I knew I was bright red. If I had just continued to let him lead we'd be fine. But here we were, half naked with his cock nearly showing and my stupid mouth had to go and ruin things.

"Oh." It's all I could think to say.

"Bella, I honestly didn't plan any of this." He began to fasten his pants. "I love that it's happening, but I didn't mean for it too. I just wanted to spend time with you. With your kids, in fact." He rolled his eyes then, "But, I get it. I do. And it's best we stopped."

I scooted myself up and began buttoning my shirt. I was mortified that this was happening. Here was my chance to be ravaged by this gorgeous, suave man who was more than likely my fantasy come true and I had to fuck it all up. He was rough and in charge and the words that came from his mouth made me want to cum. And instead of moaning out his name, my mouth was busy spitting out stupid one-liners.

"I told you before, I don't want my first time with you in a gym on dirty mats, or in a park in the backseat of my car. Eventually, but not our first time," he smirked. "You told me your very first was in a dorm room and it sucked. That this has always been rushed for you. I want you to think back to our first time together and smile, not cringe at the teenage-like grope feast. I can't be your very first, but I can pretend. Let me make things special for you."

I wanted to weep. My heart was soaring and my body desperately missed his touched. This was NOT going to be enough to sustain me! No one had spoke to me like this before. Jake had no clue how to be sensitive. Even boys who worked lines especially hard to get into my pants never sounded this sincere. I swallowed hard. I don't think he would get it if I burst into tears again. Either that or he would think I was insane. But I couldn't help it. I was so overwhelmed by emotion that the tear slipped out anyway.

"Oh baby. Why are you crying?" He didn't make a joke, he didn't get irritated, he held out his arms and waited for my answer.

"I don't know." I leaned into his chest and breathed in the scent of his naked flesh. He was warm and strong and spicy and male and I knew that I had to get back to this soon.

After a few minutes had passed I lifted my head. Thank God it wasn't like last time where I was a sobbing mess.

"Just so I know, are you going to cry every time we make out?"

I laughed and put my head back into his chest. "No. You just, you just surprise me is all. You never say or do what I expect you to."

"That bad, huh?"

"No, it's perfect. And I think I cry because you always stop! I don't want to." I looked up at him through my lashes trying for sexy this time.

"I really don't want to either love, but you have to go. If it were up to me, we'd leave here and have a sleepover where I could do very dirty things to you."

I wanted to ask him what kinds of dirty things so I would have a visual, but I figured I would probably just sound stupid again. So instead I pulled back to smooth my hair from our make out session. As my hands came up to tame my hair, he grabbed my wrists and brought them to his mouth. He kissed the inside of each one.

"I want to tie these up. Or is it down? Maybe together," he pulled my hands together and circled my wrists with one hand. "Or maybe spread open like this," he pulled them apart and held each one to the opposite sides of the roof. "You know how much I like you spread open for me."

GOD! From now on I was shutting my mouth around him!

"But you need to go baby. I promise you though, we will get around to it." He moved away from me then and leaned towards the front of the car to open the door. The rush of cool air cleared the car of our heavy scent of arousal but did nothing for my head. I was still in a lust induced haze and was positive that driving under the influence would be dangerous.

Edward climbed out of the car backwards and reached his hand in to help me out. I quickly looked around but no one seemed to notice anything out of the ordinary. He pulled me into his side and shut the door. He kept his arm wrapped tight around my waist as he walked me to my car. Every once in a while he would lean in and kiss my temple or my hair or pull my hand up to his mouth. Despite my age, I did feel like a horny teenager who just finished a grope feast in the backseat of her boyfriend's car.

We got to my car and Edward waited while I pressed the key fob several times trying to unlock my doors. I was pressing the wrong button. When I finally got my brains into some working order I opened my car door and sat down. I was now eye with only a layer of denim between me and the object of my desire. Well, one of them. But Edward shut my door and leaned down while I started the car and rolled down the window.

"Text me when you get home. Okay?"

I nodded.

"I miss having my hands on you already."

"My body misses it too. We'll make plans soon Edward. I can't make any promises, but I want to see you again, soon, away from everyone."

"Me too."

He leaned in and kissed me gently on the mouth. I wanted to deepen the kiss but he stepped back before I could make my move. "Get home safe."

Now I just had to face Rose. Oh, and Jake.


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: I don't own any rights to Twilight (books or movies) or anything else publicly recognizable in this chapter. I'm not SM.**

**A/N- Hi lovlies, so my little story is nearly at 100 reviews and I am so very excited! You are all wonderful. I do reply to each review (though it may take me some time) to try and let you know how much I appreciate it. So to all those who have favorited my story or me, I'd like to send out a collective thank you as well. You all rock my world! I missed some of my regular reviewers last chapter, hope to hear from you this time round. So, last ch was a bit shorter than normal because I just wanted to get it out. This one will be on the longer side. Get comfy and enjoy.**

**And don't forget to please come play with me on Twitter- my_e_addiction**

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I refused to lose my high on the way home. I cranked up silly pop music and danced in my seat all the way to Rosie's house. I replayed each touch, each word over and over again, conveniently leaving out the parts where I totally embarrassed myself. Edward had been so reassuring after I ruined the moment, but I really felt that if I just shut my damn mouth I could have been a whole hell of a lot more satisfied. And I wanted to be. I didn't even care how at this point. I was willing to have text sex if I had to. I'm sure Edward would be great at it, much like everything else.

I pulled into Rose's driveway and saw that Emmett's car was there. Hopefully this would put her in a good mood and she wouldn't ask too many questions.

"Hello?" I walked through the kitchen. There was noise coming from the living room so I followed the laughter. Emmett was hulking around the space imitating Shrek. All my nieces and nephews were home and the kids were practically rolling on the floor howling with laughter. Not surprisingly, Paul was the first to notice me.

"Mama!" He slammed into my knees with a fierce hug.

"Hi baby. Missed you. Did you have fun with Aunt Rose?" He launched into a rapid fire play by play of his afternoon with his aunt and cousins.

Rose glanced up at me from her place on the floor and raised her eyebrows in question. I simply smiled. I scooped Becca up from her spot on the floor and nuzzled her face.

"So, how was lunch?" For once Rose's question sounded genuine. It helped me to relax a bit. Which I suppose was her plan. "It was just lunch, right?"

Even though she kept her voice low, I didn't need anyone hearing her insinuation. Or maybe I was just being sensitive.

"Paul, get your stuff together and get your shoes on." I chose to just ignore her. "When was she last changed?"

"Bel," Rose rolled her eyes at me, "I'm just trying to keep you from getting hurt. Or making a huge mistake. She's all set by the way."

"Rose please. Not here." I walked into the kitchen and she followed. "I don't want to talk about this. And yes, we just had lunch. He had planned for the kids to be there so we just had a picnic. It was very nice and innocent." I kept my gaze steady. She didn't need any more ammunition at the moment. And I felt like I had already said too much.

"Look, I know you don't think I have any place to say anything, but I'm still your big sister. You have two children and you have a life with Jake. He's a good guy. He's wonderful with the kids and he's grown so much since you two have been together. He takes care of you and he loves you. And biggest of all, you're married. You took a vow. It's a little more serious than some guy you're dating." She lowered her voice and got closer to my face.

"You know, in good times and bad? You owe it to each other and your children to at least try and work this out. I'm sorry you're not happy, but that's something you need to work on and figure out." She looked at me like everything was so clear and easy.

"Rose, I don't want this to come between us so I'm not going to fight with you. But, you haven't got a clue what you're talking about." I tried to remain calm since I was still holding Becca but at that moment, I wanted to punch my sister.

"Well, I know what you tell me and I know what I see. Don't get me wrong, I know marriage is hard but I don't want to see yours fail. I hear the things you say to Jake. It's a real quick way to cut him down and make him feel like shit. And I know your attitude. I know how moody you can be, and I know that you probably take it out on him, all the time."

"Okay. Like I said, I'm not fighting with you on this. All I'm going to say is that I don't tell you everything. You don't know our day to day. You don't know the things he says to me that cause me to give him the attitude I have. I haven't gotten into details before and I won't do it now. Please just know that I'm not taking this lightly and that I have thought long and hard about what I'm doing.

You're my big sister, and I love you. I know you always have my best interests at heart so I won't hold any of this against you. I will say though, that I'm an adult, and I'm perfectly capable of making choices and living with the consequences, good or bad. I don't need your judgment. I don't want it. If you can't be supportive of me though, let me know now."

I was dead ass serious. There had only been one other time I had spoken to my sister like that. It was the biggest fight we'd ever had and I flat out told her that if she weren't my sister, I would never be friends with someone like her. I loved her, but she was judgmental as fuck. She rarely saw any of her own flaws but was quick to point them out in others, often right to the person's face. And she had grown so used to the role as mother as we were growing up, that it seemed she was loathe to relinquish it at times.

But as I had told her I wouldn't be friends with her if she weren't my sister, I also told her that if she didn't stop trying to mother me and make my choices for me, I would be happy to never speak to her again. However, it's hard to sound strong and mature when you're a sniveling mess, sobbing with every word. This time, there was none of that. I had hoped that my stoic appearance had given me some credibility.

"I love you." Rose leaned in for a hug. "And, I just want to see you happy. Maybe we can do coffee this week, okay?"

"I'd like that. Now, I have to get home and talk to my husband. Yay." I shook my pretend pom poms with mock enthusiasm. "Um, we obviously have a lot to talk about and I know I don't have to say it, but not a word, to anyone. I plan on talking to him about our marriage and nothing else. Got it?" I looked pointedly at her. Rose once again rolled her eyes and flipped her hair.

"Please, I'm the secret keeper. I've never said anything that's not my place to say." I looked at her with furrowed brows. "I mean, I've never told anyone's story that wasn't mine to tell. Better?"

"Yes. Now I'm getting my kids and heading home. I think I have a long night ahead of me. Come on Paul!" I tried to clear my mind of any clutter and focus on what I wanted to say tonight.

Neither of the kids had napped at Rose's and they were exhausted from playing for just a few hours with their cousins. By the time we got home they were both ready for a nap. Knowing that they were at the gym daycare this morning, my sister's this afternoon, and would be with Jess tonight made me a feel a touch guilty for putting them down for a nap. I knew I shouldn't do it, but my guilt and need for comfort outweighed my proper parenting skills.

I brought both children into my bedroom and pulled the blinds. I curled up with one baby on each side of me. I had so many things I should have been doing, but none of it seemed important right now. I just wanted to be close to them and maybe alleviate some of my guilt over what I might be doing to my children in the future. I hoped they would understand or that they were at least too little to understand any of it.

I woke a few hours later. Becca was staring at me sucking on her fingers. I picked up my baby girl and slid out of the bed so as not to wake a still sleeping Paul. We went into the kitchen so I could make her a bottle. Glancing at the time over the stove I realized how late it was. I dug my phone out of my pocketbook concerned that maybe I had missed a call from Jake. Where the hell is he?

It was after four in the afternoon. I thought that he would be home by now. Jess would be here in a bit to get the kids and I wanted them ready. I found my phone and the only thing on there was six texts from Jess. Apparently she was dying a slow and painful death by not having the details of my lunch date. I was irritated, but not surprised that I hadn't heard from Jake. Not like I had called him throughout the day either though.

I brought Bec upstairs to change and feed her. I didn't want to be away from the kids again, but I figured if things went really bad, at least I could just leave and not worry about packing them up too. Hell, I would probably end up calling Jess anyway to go there.

I didn't want to bother him or appear to be the nagging wife, but I thought we had plans. Kind of. So I sent a text.

J- Hey. I'm home. Just seeing when you thought you would be here. -B

And then I waited. I took care of Becca both changing and feeding her the entire bottle. In the meantime Paul had woken up and found us upstairs. I still hadn't heard from Jake. I finished getting a bag ready for the kids and my phone finally beeped. It was just after 5 o'clock so I was pretty pissed by now. Hopefully it was Jake saying he'd be home any minute. We didn't specify a time but I had told him that Jess was picking the kids up around five or so. Besides, he did say he was just going for lunch.

B- Just got out of work. I'm on my way. You all set? -Jess

It was Jessica. Where the hell was Jake? I shot her back a quick text to let her know we were ready. Then I sent another to Jake.

J- Um, figured you'd be home by now. Everything okay? Hope to see you soon. Jess is on her way. -B

I gathered everything up including some toys and headed downstairs with my baby girl in my arms and Paul in tow. When I got the kids settled in the living room to wait for Jess I checked my phone again. Still nothing. I would wait fifteen more minutes then I was calling. Maybe his phone was in his pocket or his music was turned up too loud in his car. I began to give myself any excuse to keep from going from pissed to livid.

"Hey!" Jess called out from the kitchen. We never knocked on each others doors.

"We're in here." I hollered back. I had kept my cool for the sake of the kids. It was now nearly quarter to six and I still hadn't heard from Jake. His phone kept ringing and ringing, then going to voice mail. I refused to let my mind go to the memory of what had kept Jake last time I couldn't reach him. I needed to hear from him first, or at least wait until Jess left with the kids before I flipped the fuck out.

"Hey Paul! Give me a high five! Where's my smooshy girl?" Jess added in a silly voice that people only use when talking to babies or animals. She swooped Becca out of my arms and began kissing her face and neck. Becca's giggle and Paul repeatedly yelling that Jess was here while he ran in circles around her helped me to smile for a bit. Seeing my kids happy was about the only thing that could calm me down right about now.

"Okay lovies, my car is running so let's get shoes on and go!" She directed Paul to the hallway and came back with some light jackets for the kids. As she was looking around she asked, "Where is..."

Fortunately she was deliberately slow to ask the rest as she gauged my expression. My glare became murderous and she didn't finish her sentence.

"Awesome," she deadpanned. "You okay?"

"I will be when I find out where the eff he is. I kind of already had a plan in my head for tonight and a few hours ago, I was still feeling pretty bad about it. Not anymore."

Jess just nodded her head and took a deep breath. Truly there was nothing more to say. She and I both knew the deal. "So, uh, you'll be all set? Without these guys? Can I do anything before we go?"

"Really, I'm good. I'm sure he just enjoyed his lunch a little more than he planned. You know him. I so want to order a pizza and eat the entire thing myself. Maybe I'll go out for a drink myself. Gah! Whatever. I'll deal with it later."

"Alright, if you're sure." I nodded and hugged Paul first, then Jess with Becca in her arms.

"I love you guys so so much. Be good for Jess and I'll see you in the morning. Kay bud? Give mommy kisses." I gave and received more hugs and kisses but I still felt pretty empty inside. It was best that the kids wouldn't see me go into emo mode.

When the door shut I made my way to my bedroom to change. I was too angry to be hurt or upset. There were no tears but my jaw was beginning to hurt from being set so hard into a tight-lipped frown. Screw him for giving me wrinkles too!

I began peeling off today's date outfit and smiled as I thought about Edward. I wondered what he was doing now. Probably out with buddies. Or maybe sitting home thinking about me. I hoped it was the latter. I didn't really feel like being around other people even though I could easily sit at any bar by myself, it all just seemed too familiar. I didn't feel like dealing with lonely men or women who wanted to chat. I was too far gone into bitch mode to deal with anyone.

I dug out my leggings and layered a few tanks under a tee shirt. The gym was open until nine but on a Friday night no one would be there now. By the time I got there even the after work crowd should be gone.

I found my sneakers, my ear buds, and my Ipod. I almost called Jake one last time but I worried that he might actually answer. I wasn't ready for that in my state of mind. Even a text might be too quick if he was finally looking at his phone. We never left voice messages for each other.

"Hi, it's me. Give me a call when you get this." No shit. I have caller id and if I missed your call I'll probably call you back to find out why you called in the first fucking place.

It was unlikely that he would check any messages now but at least I did the right thing and let him know where I was.

"Hey Jake. Um, wondering where the fuck you are. Kinda thought we were getting together tonight and you were just going for lunch. But it's after six and I haven't heard from you, so I'm going to the gym. I'll be home whenever." The attitude in my voice was beyond clear. It would have come across in a text.

I grabbed my bag and headed out the door.

When I got to the gym the parking garage was nearly empty but there were still several cars that didn't belong to employees. I never went at this hour. If I was leaving the house on a Friday night, it was to go for a drink, or dinner. Who the hell goes to the gym on Friday night? Crazy women who need to burn off angry energy because of their idiot husbands.

I was surprised to see so many other people still in the gym. Apparently the after work crowd wasn't gone. Or maybe these people didn't have jobs. Wow, is this when all the hot guys are here, because they sure don't come at ten in the morning! No, that's generally the stay at home moms/ retired but still active crowd. I need to start coming at night! Yeah, because I so need more temptation besides Edward.

Oh, Edward. Don't you worry baby. I wouldn't let anyone else touch me. Current husband included.

I hopped on a treadmill towards the back. I had wanted to just zone out. I hated when I was just trying to focus on my run and the person next to me was acting like we were in a race. There were some moderately good looking guys lifting weights. They might have been hot, but a little too bulky for my liking. But hell, at least these guys were putting in some effort.

I started off slowly with some lighter music. It helped to get me in the right mindset. I had been avoiding exercise while I tried to figure my head out. I loved the extra time, but I really did miss this. My muscles started to stretch with each long stride. After a few minutes I switched songs to something faster with more bass and picked up the speed. I had been getting better and better at running. My times were getting faster and I was able to run for longer stints. I decided that no matter how bad things got, I would keep running. It helped to clear my head. I had stopped thinking about all the reasons I was done with Jake. I focused on the music, my muscles, and my breathing. And occasionally the yummy, muscly group of boys working out together.

It was as if being with Edward had awakened something in me that I hadn't known existed with Jake. We had lapses in our sexual relationship like all couples but for the most part I thought it was pretty normal. Again though, I was following the direction of Renee and Rosalie. Renee always said, "It's part of being married. Just do it even if you don't feel like it. The more you do it, the more you'll want to." Which sometimes was true. It was never great but I definitely enjoyed it once in a while. And really, unless Jake initiated it, we didn't have much intimacy. For a while he complained about me not hugging him, or even letting him hug me, but I suppose I knew then that something was wrong in our relationship. I figured he would just get over it. I had always been a touchy feely person but about a year into our marriage, I no longer was.

Hmm, I thought I wasn't supposed to be thinking of Jake. I checked my phone again. No missed calls, no new texts. Asshole.

I put my attention back on the boys in front of me and began to think of Edward instead. I thought about when I would next see him and what we would do. I wondered how soon I could get him alone and convince him that we could go further than some heavy petting. I know he wanted it to be this big, special thing, but honestly, I was starting to get pretty worked up and frustrated over his reluctance.

Lady Gaga started pumping through my ear buds. I started running faster thinking of Edward's hands on me. I was thinking of all the things he had said to me since we met, all the innuendos and clearly dirty things he'd whispered in my ear. The harder I ran the faster my blood pumped. I could feel a familiar tingle between my thighs and I noticed I was slightly light headed. But then, the best motivation ever happened. My pants were rubbing between my legs. It was as if I got myself prepped mentally and my body (or my clothes) took over the rest. I was so Goddamn tired but I just couldn't stop. I realized my breathing was heavier and I was no longer keeping it in. I was panting out loud but I ignored it since I couldn't actually hear myself. The tingle was moving up through my chest and I was worried that if I didn't stop soon I would actually come on the treadmill. Thank God the place had mostly cleared out. I knew I should cool down and decelerate my heart rate, but I was really enjoying this feeling. Imagine? Getting off on exercise! As with earlier today, I wanted to keep this feeling going. I hopped off the treadmill and made two phone calls.

The first was to Jess. She picked up on the third ring and I could hear the kids squealing in the background. Breathlessly, she answered the phone.

"Hello?"

"Jess," I panted back, "I need a favor."

"Oh God! What the hell are you doing?" She was suddenly focused on my breathing.

"I'm at the gym. Jake never fucking showed up. I'm guessing he's fucking drunk off his ass and hopefully passed out somewhere safe, not the police station like last time. FUCK! Ok, that's not why I called." I had to hurry up and get this out or I might lose my nerve. However, talking about Jake's drinking and past fuck ups helped. "If anyone asks, I stayed at your place tonight with the kids. K?"

"Watcha doin?" Jess sang to me knowing I was doing something I shouldn't be.

"Nothing. At least, right now. I can't talk, okay? Just um, you know, if Jake um, were to come home and I wasn't there. If he called you or something, I would probably be sleeping. Got it?"

"Oh shut up. Would you stop sounding so nervous. Of course I'll cover for you. Look, I don't think Jake's a bad guy necessarily, but we've been best friends for a hell of lot longer than you've known him and definitely longer than I have. My loyalty is to you. So even though you're not doing anything, I'll make sure that your "nothing" is safe with me."

I swear if I could have seen her she'd be making her eyebrows dance like crazy while she winked and bruised my sides with all her elbow nudging. Jess was less than subtle with me. Thank God she could shut her mouth around everyone else.

"Jess?" I fumbled with my car keys and took a deep breath. "Um, I'm not a horrible person, am I?" I almost didn't want to hear her answer, fearing it either way.

"I'm rolling my eyes at you right now. Seriously? We're not having this discussion right now. You are a great person and I love you and you deserve to be happy. And you wanted to talk about all that tonight and he's probably drunk or passed out right now. Sorry, but true."

"Jess, I didn't tell him we needed to talk or anything. He didn't know this was serious... Fuck! Why am I defending him? This is so not what I wanted to be talking about right now! I just need some fucking encouragement and guts." I was losing my tingles, fast. Maybe I should just go home. Go to sleep, jill off first if need be.

"You are sexy and young and you have a hot as hell, sweet as pie, fuckably well off guy dying to get you naked and sweaty from a different sort of workout. Now get the fuck off the phone with me! I love you. And I want play by play details!"

"I love you too. You are awesome. Okay, talk to later, bye." I blurted out the last bit quickly and hung up with Jess as was customary for us. If one of us didn't just say bye and hang up we'd probably launch into a whole other conversation.

Okay. Now that I really decided to do this, I was losing my nerve. I wished I was still all worked up like when I was on the treadmill. Fuck. I made my second phone call anyway.

"Hello?" His voice got the butterflies going inside, their little wings brushing against my stomach, tickling my ribs, and fluttering just next to my heart.

"Hi." I was stuck. I wanted the butterflies to go lower but apparently they got stuck in my throat.

"B? Is that you?" I heard him swallow hard and I thought maybe he was just as excited to hear my voice too.

"Yeah. Um, I was supposed to, um, well, I had plans tonight, but... Fuck. I totally wanted to be smooth about this. Edward, can I come over?" Holy shit! The words were out of my mouth before my brain could stop them. Too late. He knew. I mean, he already knew, but now it was out there and I couldn't act like this was all harmless flirting despite what we had already done. I couldn't tell if I was breathing too fast or if I hadn't taken a breath at all; but I was dizzy waiting for his answer.

"You know I've been dying to hear that." It wasn't a question. "Bel, I told you before, everything has been and still is open for you. Including my home. Tell me I don't have to wait long." His eagerness was contagious and I was so thankful for his response. It gave me the courage I needed.

"Um, I should probably go home and shower. I'm at the gym right now." I didn't want to go home. I should have showered here, but I didn't bring anything. Part of me wanted to get to Edward as fast as possible, the other part was afraid that if I went home, I might see Jake and then I would be stuck.

"Don't!" He practically shouted. "I mean, just come here. You can shower here. I promise I'll be good. At least while you do that." I could hear the smirk in his voice.

"Um, I'll be there. But you don't have to be. Good, that is." I let out a long, slow breath. "Really though? Is this okay?"

"Are you just coming to say 'hi?' or are you going to stay, for a little bit?" He was starting to get nervous now. I knew what he wanted to hear and I wanted to reassure him, but I was scared to be too forward and invite myself for a sleep over. Even though I think we both knew that's where this was heading.

"I was thinking a little longer than 'hi.' Maybe a little dinner." I started the car as I whispered the last bit, "Maybe breakfast too."

"You know, I heard you. Tell me you're not just screwing with me." It was his turn to lower his voice now, "Please B. Are you really mine for the night?"

"All yours." I didn't think it was just for the night, but I wasn't ready to admit that part just yet.

* * *

**A/N- Okay, so I know some of you are going to be ready to kill me! I'm so sorry. I really am, but as it is this chapter was already my longest yet. I promise you all, if you get on with the reviews I will bust my ass to get the next chapter out to you all. Promise. I won't hold the next chapter hostage or anything, but maybe if I can get 150 reviews it will definitely encourage me to get B's ass over to Edward's place faster. And I doubt their clothes are going to stay on. LOL. Love you all!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Blah blah blah, I'm not SM, I don't own shit, I don't get anything for this except alienation from my family (okay, not a bad trade).**

**Well, you wanted it. You all stuck around for it. Here it is. It's fucking long, so tuck in, get comfy, and enjoy the dirty! Leave me love and there will be more...**

**E's**

* * *

I tried Jake's cell one more time. It rang several times and went to voice mail. I figured at least he wasn't in jail or the police would have turned off his phone making it go straight to voice mail. I didn't know if that was better or worse though. My guess was that he and Quil went back to his place and passed out. I had checked our bank account online and saw there were no transactions for a hotel, which actually might have made me feel better.

I had never once done this too him, but this wasn't his first instance of being inconsiderate. He had constantly said he'd be at one place only to go somewhere completely different and never inform me. Or my favorite, when he would promise to be home in 20 minutes, or by six, or whatever the case may be only to show up hours later. I had stopped worrying years ago. I would call and call only to find out he was simply too drunk, passed out, or having too much fun to notice my call.

There was only one time I should have been genuinely concerned. I had fallen asleep around 2am when he hadn't come home. When I woke at 4 and he still wasn't in bed I got up. I assumed he had passed out on the couch but a glance out the window showed that his car wasn't home. It must have been intuition waking me up. Moments later the phone rang and a very incoherent, mumbling Jake was informing me he was at the police station and needed me to pick him up. I was ready to throw up when another man got on the phone and informed I would need to bring $150 in cash and two forms of ID to release him. I didn't have time to throw up or even cry. I yanked off my pajamas and covered my pregnant belly up with a sweatshirt. I remained numb as I got Paul up and packed us both in the car. I don't remember the drive. I don't remember talking to the officer. I don't remember filling out forms or getting Jacob in the car. I think I waited until we were home with Paul back in bed and Jake passed out before I locked the bathroom door and cried on the floor.

After that, Jake promised he would never drink and drive again. I would always remind him before he went out and he would swear that he would never put me through that again. I didn't really trust him, but like so many other things, I couldn't fight him on it every time he left the house. I could only hope that he would do as said.

So now, even tonight, I had to assure myself that despite his unfailing selfishness he was safe. And while he continued to lie about so many little things, this was one thing I had to trust him on. If I didn't, I wouldn't be able to look at him anymore. I wasn't about to feel guilty over this time. I might not have told him I wanted to talk about our relationship, but I made it clear we wouldn't have children and we really needed to get together. But as usual, one or two, or twelve drinks was more important than our relationship.

* * *

Edward had sent me his address and GPS did the work. I pulled up to a beautiful, but simple looking craftsman house. I knew from living in Seattle though that the size alone meant it was over half a million. I began to think that maybe he had roommates. I thought he lived alone, but this place was far too large for a young single man. Despite his car, there was no way he owned this place too, although the rent must be crazy. I was in no mood for roommates though. I probably shouldn't have invited myself over, but he didn't say no, so maybe they were out. I didn't feel right pulling into the driveway so I just parked along the street and checked the number again.

It was at least three stories in a picturesque neighborhood that looked very family oriented. All the lawns and hedges were neatly trimmed and driveways were clear of cars. It was only eight thirty in the evening, but the street was quiet and all the porch lights were on. I walked up the sidewalk and the little stone path leading to freshly painted stairs and big wooden porch. I was almost afraid his mom was going to answer the door. The would so be my luck. _Hi, you must be Mrs. Cullen, I'm here to steal your boys virtue. Don't worry though, I've left my husband and children at home. Could you bake us some cookies for afterward?_

He opened the door as I reached the top step relieving me of my decision as to how to alert him to my arrival.

"You could have parked in the driveway you know." He nodded off to the right indicating the dark space next to the house. As he ran his hand through his hair I was drawn back to him leaning on the door frame. _Have I even moved? _His hair was wet indicating he had just showered. _I'm pretty sure he showered. I don't think boys just wash their hair in the sink like girls. _It sadly occurred to me that he wouldn't be showering with me.

He stepped inside the house so I must have moved toward him at some point. "Oh, um, I didn't want to be in the way of, uh, anyone. Roommates, or whatever." _You know, parents?_

Edward headed further into the house leading the way. He turned to give me a funny, eyebrow scrunch look. "Roommates?"

"Or whoever." I shrugged, dropping my bag by a doorway leading into a kitchen.

At this point, Edward was attempting to get a bottle of wine out of a built in wine rack in the cupboard. He stopped mid-reach.

"Bel?" I tried to focus on my name, but all I could see was his black shirt rising slightly giving me a great view of his low-slung jeans. "Who exactly do you think I live with?" He turned slowly setting the bottle down. "Bella? Do you think I'm seeing someone or something like that?" He was both amused and annoyed waiting for my answer.

I twisted my hands and took a good look around the place for the first time. From the gorgeous Tuscan inspired kitchen I could see a living and adjoining dining room with rich butter colored walls. The leather and suede furniture complimented the color scheme of the rest of the house. The woods looked rich and dark and although plush, everything was decidedly masculine.

"No, I just... This house is so big, and everything is so perfect. Like off a design show or something." At this point I had walked away from him to the mantel facing the couch. I ran my hand over the clean white wood and absentmindedly checked my fingertips for dust. Pristine. _Okay, so either he had a cleaning lady, his mom lived here, or he was fucking perfect. _My cynicism refused to allow me to believe the last one, although everything I had seen and heard of him told me that it was possible. "Show me the rest of the house." I tried to lighten my voice.

"B? I'm confused as hell. Stop trying to change the subject and just spit it the fuck out." He didn't look so casual anymore.

"Fuck! If you don't have roommates do you live with your parents?" Thank God I was able to cease the word vomit there.

Edward took a hard look at me and burst out laughing. He actually began holding his sides as he bent over. _Jerk._

"Oh my God! Oh my God! You're serious." He roared with laughter again. "Are you waiting for my mom to come out of hiding or something?" The more he laughed the funnier it seemed to get to him. "Is that why you were so nervous? Oh shit! That is so funny!"

At this point my nose and ears were on fire and I was sure they were so red I looked like an old alcoholic. I was so embarrassed that everything he was saying was true. From the outside it didn't look like only one person lived here but the inside was just too put together, too refined to be a bachelor's pad.

I wanted to laugh at the situation, at myself, but I was afraid if I did I would cry instead. I was still pissed at Jake, scared of someone walking in on us, nervous about being with Edward, it was all just too much. So I simply put my head down and sucked both my lips in. I was now sweaty, embarrassed, flaming red, and to top it all off, it looked as though my lips had been surgically removed and the remaining skin had been glued together. Just like the first time we met, I wanted to die.

I couldn't look up, but I could feel Edward come near me. He circled behind me and put his forehead in between my shoulder blades. "Oh Bel, baby. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel bad. It's just that, I haven't lived with my parents in years. And I've never lived with anyone besides my roommate in college. I know you think I'm young, but honey, I'm a big boy. This is my house." He moved his body closer to mine and swept my damp ponytail over one shoulder. He leaned into my shoulder and began kissing up my neck.

"I picked everything out, mostly, but my mother does some interior design consulting and she helped me put it all together." He continued up my neck and tucked some stray hair behind my ear and traced the shell with his finger. "Do you feel better now?"

I did, but I still couldn't speak. The sweat had time to dry on my skin and his warm breath gave me goosebumps. I was starting to feel post-workout dirty and with Edward so close to me I was afraid of much I must stink. I tried to pull away but Edward wrapped his arms around my waist.

"Edward," I giggle out, "I'm all sweaty and gross. You promised me a shower!" He was gently tickling my ribs and licking my neck.

"Later. You'll need it. I already told you, I love it when you're all sweaty. You smell so good all worked up. And your skin, mmm. I want to pour melted chocolate on you and lick you clean. Like a tasty little snack." He punctuated his final word with a sharp bite.

"Ahhhh!" I was able to free myself and I darted for my bag. I hugged it to my chest. It rose up and down with each heavy breath. My adrenaline was pumping and I felt like I had to run. I searched quickly for an escape and spotted the stairs near the front door. Edward's body tensed like the stealthy predator he had suddenly become. He followed my glance before I had even realized it. I let out another excited squeal and made a mad dash for the stairs. I'm not even sure why I was trying to get away. I wanted him to catch me, but I kind of wanted to be clean. In a house like this there had to be at least two bathrooms upstairs. Whichever I reached first I was taking. With all the attention to details I knew there had to be soap and maybe some mini hotel bottles of shampoo or something. I quickly thought about a razor but realized I had at least shaved my legs last night and I had begun getting a Brazilian wax again when I started losing weight. It was a sexy little reward to myself (and Edward- I had hoped.)

I made it to the middle of the stairs when I felt Edward's arms cage my body and tackle me. Thank God there were no roommates or neighbors downstairs. Between my shrieking and squealing it sounded as if a gaggle of girls were having a Zac Efron marathon. But compared to Edward, he was gawky looking little kid. My bag cushioned my chest and Edward prevented me from hitting my head or my hips into the carpeted stairs.

"Where do you think you're going little girl?" He pressed his hips into mine and I could feel his erection through his jeans. My stomach dropped and I didn't want to run anymore.

"Edward," I gasped, "I have to take a shower!"

"And I already told you, you could have one when I'm done with you." He scooped his arm around my waist and hoisted me up to my feet. He grabbed my gym bag and slung it over his shoulder. "Why were you running from me baby? I'm not going to hurt you." His deep, throaty voice made my insides tingle while his fingers dancing along my waistline made my skin tingle as well. I must have shivered because the beautiful man next to me nuzzled my neck and laughed quietly. "I know, me too."

Edward led me the rest of the way upstairs. "You made me leave the wine downstairs," he said as he set my bag down inside the door to his bedroom. "Do you want some?"

"I'm okay. Thanks though." I knew he hadn't brought me to the guest room so I figured I might as well begin to enjoy this and relax. I knew that if I changed my mind even last minute Edward would never push me. Unlike Jake, I couldn't see him acting like a seventeen year old boy complaining of blue balls and how it could be serious. If I burst into tears and asked him to hold me, I was pretty sure he would. After what I felt on the stairs I knew he would be fucking frustrated as all get out, but I just couldn't see him yelling at me over it.

His bedroom was huge and just from glancing into the bathroom I knew that my whole first floor could probably fit in here. I was trying my damndest to play it cool, but it was useless once I looked out the windows that were situated in the corner of the room. I could see the whole Seattle skyline lit up in the night. As if the house itself wasn't gorgeous and probably expensive enough, this view alone must cost a fortune. I turned slightly to see Edward sitting on the end of his huge bed smirking up at me.

"Edward, this is incredible. Are you a drug mule or something?" I was totally serious.

His lips turned up slightly with a coy little smile as his eyebrows dipped down, "Bella, are you serious?"

"Totally. Don't roll your eyes at me."

"I told you before, my parents have done pretty well for themselves and I was very fortunate that they took care of me through school. I was able to leave without all the student loans and credit card debt and such. I'm not bragging, but I've always been pretty good with money. I also told you I already did the whole bar scene kind of thing too while I was in college. So, once I graduated I pretty much just worked. Don't get me wrong, I've gone on vacation with friends and I have my car and stuff but I don't just go wasting money. Plus, I was able to buy this when they were giving out home loans on street corners; I've just been able to maintain everything unlike a lot of other people. I told you, B, I can take care of you."

He put his arm around my shoulder this time. I ducked out from under it and wandered towards the bathroom.

_My God! Is there any room in this place that isn't perfect?_

"I don't need you to take care of me. I can get a job. I'm working on it now. And I told you before, I'm not running from one guy to another."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean that you couldn't, or that you needed me to do it. I just want you to know you don't have to stay with him because you have no other options. I have four bedrooms here B and clearly I only need one."

He kept his distance but it helped me to think. "I know. And thank you. I'll keep it in mind if I need it but I have to think of my kids first."

At my words Edward got up and crossed the room in a few strides. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me square on the mouth. He tilted my head back and nipped at my neck.

"You are so weird." I laughed as I slapped at his chest.

"I can't help it. I'm a freak. It turns me on when you talk about what a good mother you are."

"You are a freak!" I shoved him harder but still laughed. "Don't talk like that."

"Okay, no more." Edward's voice took on a whole new depth.

His face turned serious and he pulled me back into his arms. At this point with Jake I would no longer be joking around. I'd be irritated at how weird he was being and it would turn me off. Even the sudden change to a more dominate behavior would seem fake and only serve to piss me off further. But with Edward, it's as if I forgot the previous conversation had even occurred. As if only Edward and I existed and the sexual tension had always been this thick.

"Isabella, I'm going to kiss you. And when I'm done with that, I'm going to do a whole lot more to your body. I don't want to talk about kids, or money, or marriage, or anyone else." His hands were stroking my messy ponytail, wrapping it around his hand as he done once before. I waited for the tug that showed me he was in control. But it didn't come. "Is there anything else before I get started on you?"

I wanted to say, "Oh Edward! There's nothing I want more than you right now. Take me, I'm yours!" Or something to that effect. I think it came out as a gurgle or a pathetic whine. It didn't matter though. This sweet, amazing man understood exactly what I was trying to say. And suddenly, there was the short, hard tug.

Edward dove into my neck, lips first. I could feel his tongue lapping at my skin and then his teeth scraping the space on my neck between the side and my throat.

"Oh baby, I want to eat you so bad."

Thank God he had his other arm around my waist because my knees actually buckled at his words. That was no innuendo. And I told him as much. All he did was move me over to the bed and lay me down on it with my knees hanging off the end. He was fucking quick too. Before I could move myself, he was kneeling at my feet untying my shoes. Fuck! I had been running! I tried to stop him, but he circled his fingers around my ankle and continued to remove my shoe, then peeled off my sock. At least they were cute ankle socks. I threw my forearm over my eyes to show my embarrassment since he wouldn't let me protest any other way.

"Oh stop," he chided.

Sensing my discomfort though, he stood up and stopped paying so much attention to my feet. At least that's what I thought he was doing. Edward picked up my right foot first and placed my sole flat against his chest. Grabbing behind my left thigh, he made me lift that foot as well. After he had both feet on his chest he lightly began tickling the tops and insteps of them. I could have pulled away, but honestly, it felt too good.

"Look at me baby." I peeked out from under my arm. At least he had already seen me bright red during workouts, my crimson cheeks shouldn't look much different now.

"Hi."

"Hi. Are you nervous?"

"Um, embarrassed actually." I bit my lip. I thought that would be slightly sexier than the lip-less suck face I usually made.

"Why are you embarrassed? It's just me. Baby, Bel. I have been dying to see you. Literally. I think a little piece of me dries up and blows away when I get to be so close to you but I have to keep my hands off you." He leaned over me, bending my legs into a cobbler's pose, mimicking the position my body was in when he first expressed his interest for me. "When I saw you that first day, and you called me out on watching you to turn it around, you were so cute. And then when you acted like it was no big deal, and you were so self-assured, I wanted to know you so much."

He grasped my feet and gently moved them to the bed still spread. "Scoot up for me." I moved up the soft red and brown quilt. Giving him space to climb on the bed too. He parted my knees once again and wrapped my legs around his waist as leaned over me, supported on his forearms. I was still too nervous to do anything yet, so my hands lay limp at my sides. I desperately needed him to take the initiative and direct me. Leaning in with his strong aquiline nose, he brushed up and down my jawline. I wanted to bite on his.

"Why are you embarrassed baby? I may not have seen all of you, but I've felt all of you. I've memorized all your curves and I think they're all perfect. I won't turn off all the lights. I won't make you feel bad, but I have to see your face at least."

His words gave me liberty to relax my body. I was still worried about my breasts and my belly but his attention to my face helped to ease me. At this point, as much as I wanted to shower, he even made me feel okay about that. His coppery hair tickled under my chin as he lowered his face to my chest. He started at the swell of my left breast and kissed his way to my cleavage. He nuzzled his nose down as far as my tank top would allow and begin to inhale deeply.

"I love how you smell; all female and sex." He took a long, wet lick from my breast bone up to my chin. "And especially how you taste. Bella? How many times do I have to say it before you believe me?" His eyes were pleading with me.

"I've only been with one other person who felt that way," I whispered.

Edward got a sneaky little look about his eyes and mouth. "I'm guessing it's not anyone I know."

With my eyes lowered bashfully, I shook my head slowly.

"Aww." He looked at me with puppy dog eyes then lowered himself to my ear and whispered, "Let's pretend I'm your first. I'll show you how it should be done."

My entire body shuddered beneath him.

With a tug on my shirt, I followed his body into a sitting position. He pulled at the bottom of my tank and began to lift it up. I raised my arms over my head. He lowered me back down and grabbed onto the waistline of my yoga pants. After giving an almost imperceptible nod, he slipped my pants over my hips and down my legs, shimmying his way down as well. I lay there in my bra and panties, excited and panting before anything had really happen. He stood in front of me and pulled his own shirt off. All the lights were still on so I could see his perfect abs and chest; tight, defined, without being bulky. Just the way I remembered them from our first encounter. He tossed it on the floor and smiled a genuine, almost sheepish smile as he displayed himself to me.

Before I could let my nerves overtake me at being caught, he turned and moved toward the door of the master bedroom. He must have hit the light switch as the overhead turned off. There was still light from the bathroom and a single lamp in the far corner of the room. Enough light to see each other, but not enough to see my flaws. I wondered if this had been specifically designed too. I forced that thought out of my head as Edward walked back to me.

"Can I be your first too then?"

"You know you are."

I wasn't sure we were talking about the same thing.

"See? You're even wearing white for me. This is so very pretty Isabella, but I've been so very patient in waiting to see what's underneath it. Baby," he laid his hand on my ribs, just under my bra line, "please don't be nervous. I need this so bad and I know you do too. I promise you, it will be worth it."

I propped myself up on my elbows and unclasped my bra. I leaned back down and stretched my arms to him. Edward didn't waste any time taking it off and flinging it somewhere on the floor.

"Oh, I've been waiting to see these again." Like a little kid to candy he dove into my chest face first. He pushed them together and licked circles around each nipple making me arch my back and push into him. He sucked on them elongating and darkening the nipple with each pull. I was a little nervous; it never felt so great when Jake did anything with them. But Edward didn't hold back. He wasn't tentative and he took what he wanted.

"Look how pretty they are for me. Are they just for me?" He asked with the tip still in his mouth.

I realized I hadn't done or said much at this point. I couldn't imagine that was much of a turn on. He hadn't let me feel his body heavy on mine, although I had to imagine he was hard, I couldn't ask him to do all the work. But I didn't know what he wanted. When I asked too much of Jake he would pull back practically offended that whatever he was doing for me wasn't enough.

"Bella? I asked you a question." Another. Long. Hard. Pull.

"AHH, yes. Yes they're just for you." I panted quietly.

"What are?"

I bit my lip. I was embarrassed to say the words that he said so freely. "My, my nipples?" I questioned. I suddenly felt so stupid doing this. But he barely gave me the chance.

"Oh no baby. Don't ask me, tell me. What are just for me?"

"My nipples." His response to my blathering emboldened me to continue. "Do you like them?"

"Oh Bel you have no idea. These tits fit perfect in my hand," he squeezed them for emphasis, "and these perfect little rose buds, I want to suck on them till you come."

"Ohh."

"Do you like that? Do you like when I tell you that?" He sat back on his knees with his jeans still on. He pulled the lower half of my body onto his lap. His strong hands and long fingers began stroking my thighs, rubbing circles on the inside with his thumbs. Each swipe bringing them closer to the edge of my panties. I didn't even notice I had started bucking my hips attempting to get him closer until he said, "I guess you do. Or is it my fingers? Where do want them?" He squeezed the tops of my thighs this time.

"On me."

"Just on you?" Suddenly, his hands were no longer caressing the tops of my thighs but were now under them and he yanked my bottom up bringing my cloth covered lips to his own.

I wanted all of this so badly and I knew I was wet and it took everything in me to stop from grinding into his face, but reality came back to me in a flash. Not only was I straight from the gym but there had only been one person in college who actually made _that_ feel good. I never even let Jake try anymore. He simply didn't know what he was doing and after a few minutes the sensation went from numb to uncomfortable. He had also told me on several occasions that he didn't love doing it, it was just kind of something you had to. I just wasn't ready. That was a _whole_ other level of intimacy!

"Wait. Edward." Oh God. I couldn't believe I was stopping him.

"What is it baby? Tell me what's got you nervous." _Damn! He was so comfortable and smooth!_ He lowered my body back to his lap.

"I um... Edward, I just came from the gym!" This time both of my hands flew to my face to cover my shame. "And I don't think I like it," I mumbled into the heels of my hands.

Despite the awkwardness that I was making of this situation, Edward barely acknowledged it. He continued rubbing my thighs moving towards my center. When his thumbs reached my panty line I didn't move my hands from my face but I didn't stop him either. He brushed lightly over the lace, just rubbing and feeling my body. He didn't go in for the kill and it was torture. He continued his slow, lazy laps around my labia and down towards my opening, but never pushing.

"I understand the first part, I won't let it be an excuse, but I understand your reasoning. As for the second part, everyone likes it when it's done right. It only sucks when an incompetent, selfish lover tries it. Just let me try. Please," he stared at me with those deep eyes that would make me rob a bank naked with only a bomb strapped to my waist. "Please just give me a chance. I promise if you hate it I'll have the words terrible lover tattooed on my forehead so everyone will know how lousy I am. Okay?"

Despite my utter humiliation at the conversation, I couldn't help but smile and nod and my head. I moved my hands but kept my eyes closed. I felt the bed dip and rise again. I waited a few seconds expecting him to shift around but he didn't come back. I opened my eyes to see him lowering his jeans. He was wearing black boxer briefs and they were snug over his hips and ass but more importantly, they were tight against his hard on. I didn't have to feel it to see a clear outline even in black. When his pants were off he headed towards the door. I was expecting him to close it, but when he walked out I was confused.

"Hey!"

"I'll be right babe! I'm getting you a present!" He hollered from somewhere on the stairs.

What the fuck is he getting? Moments later Edward appeared with a cherry flavored popsicle. The bright red kind with absolutely no real cherries in them. He was sucking on it staining his lips and tongue.

"A popsicle?" Now I was really confused. He moved to the bathroom and got a towel.

"Get up for me lovey?"

I stood up and watched as he pulled down the covers. He laid a large bath towel down across the bed.

"Now remember, I'm your first and your mine. I want to try something. You tell me if it's too much, okay?" All I could do was swallow and nod my head. "Take those off and get over here." He pointed to my underwear first, then the bed. I couldn't even protest. Part of me was far too curious to even try.

"Perfect. I love this little strip." He actually tugged on the trimmed hair I had the waxer leave. "Will you hold this for me?" He handed me the red pop, "But don't lick any."

He pulled of his boxers and it was clear he was not self conscious and had no reason to be. He was definitely bigger than Jake. And trimmed like a model. I had kept trying to explain to Jake how to do it, but it never came out right and I had no desire to touch him. It was surprising then that I was reaching my hand out for Edward now.

"Do you want to touch me?" His voice was husky and he sounded so confident.

"Yes please." But I didn't want to touch it. I wanted to study it, stare at it, lick it up and down. I even wanted to touch his balls! I wrapped my hand around his shaft as he once again kneeled on the bed.

"Fuck! Bella I have been fantasizing about this since I met you but even my imagination doesn't come close. But before this melts, you first sexy girl."

He maneuvered himself on the bed so he was once again between my legs. Only this time, we were both naked and his hands were cupped around mine as he licked the dripping treat. He took one long suck on it and removed it from my sticky fingers.

"Suck on those fingers baby and get them clean." I lifted my fingers to my mouth one by one. I hadn't felt this erotic, this turned on and admired in years. Many, many years. I sucked each finger and moaned around it, sometimes closing my eyes, sometimes watching his cock twitch. Thank God there were only five though. As soon as I finished he lowered the pop to my nipples and circled first the left then the right.

"Oh Fuck! Edward!" I squealed as the frozen liquid hit my warm flesh.

"Mmhm. They already tasted so good too. Now it's salty and sweet." He stated as he finished sucking on my rock hard, ice cold nips. "But that's not what I brought this up here for." He got a devilish look in his eyes and I began to think of all the ways he could use that popsicle...on me.

"I know you were worried. And Bella baby, I'm sure you taste as good down here," he stroked a finger lightly down the length of my slit, "as you do everywhere else. But I need you to relax and enjoy this so you let me taste just you next time."

I was a shivering, quivering mess without the pop. But as he circled my nipples once again and I cried out, he began moving it in wider and wider circles tracing my entire breast. On his last pass, he reached the middle of my chest. He trailed a sticky red line down my belly to my belly button. I tried squirming to the side, but he quickly held my hip down with one strong hand.

"Let me play." It was a request and an order all at once. He swirled my belly button and held the treat over it until a few drops landed inside.

"AHHH! Its fucking cold!" I giggled out.

"I know, but just wait." Fuck, my stomach was already starting to tighten at the thought of what was to come. As he sucked on my belly button his fingers moved lower and lower. He found my pink, puckered scar slashed across my abdomen. He didn't say a word, but kissed from my belly button, down to the scar from two cesareans and kissed all along it.

When he sat back up I was a writhing sticky mess. I didn't give a fuck at this point what I looked liked. I felt like a fucking goddess! He watched my face as his fingers traced down to my pubic hair. He followed the little trail to the top of my lips. Ever so gently, he ran his finger down me again and this time, he stopped at my entrance and circled just the edge. I circled my hips and moaned out for him to continue.

"Oh no baby. You're so wet, but you were so nervous. I'm not letting my delicious idea go to waste now. Open for me." I spread my legs even further as he situated himself in between my calves. "I'd better get comfortable, I'm going to be here for a while."

He gave me a last crooked grin and touched the cherry pop just above my clit. I knew it was hard and exposed and like my nipples, the heat from my body made the pop melt sending freezing cold, sugary drops on to my clit. I screeched out and reared up, but didn't stop him. This was too fucking sexy to stop.

"Yes! Oh fuck yes! Again!"

"You really liked that." It wasn't a question. "I can't wait to try this then." He slid the pop slowly down from my clit to center. He placed two fingers at my cunt and slowly opened me. I had no idea how he was doing it, but I could feel that he was still holding me open as another finger slid inside. "Oh fuck, you are so wet. You are going to taste so good. Just a little taste first? Please, just you, just me."

I was mumbling something that hopefully sounded like yes since I was rolling my head back and forth. I couldn't focus on anything expect his hands and his fingers and suddenly his cold tongue, that turned warm as it licked up my still stretched open body.

"Oh Holy Mother of FUCK!"

"Don't make me hold you down. Yet." His finger or fingers were gone from inside me and I whimpered. But it didn't last long as I watched him take another suck of the popsicle and then dive down into my pussy. His tongue was freezing on my clit but this time I didn't shriek, I let out a long, low moan.

As he worked my clit with his tongue I felt his fingers at my entrance again. But this time, instead of feeling him enter me, I felt the cold air brush over my hot center as he slowly pushed the cherry popsicle inside of me. My hips were bucking like wild at all the sensations. His hot tongue, my vibrating clit, an icy cold sensation inside of me, his long fingers holding me open as my body tried desperately to clench down.

"Oh fuck! Oh Edward! Fuck Edward! More! Fuck! Please give me more!"

I had never been so vocal. I had never wanted anything so bad in my life. My body was working furiously to orgasm, but as he held me open, I remained on the precipice. Mother fucker! I can't remember the last time I felt so fucking amazing! He worked the popsicle in and out and swirled it around as his tongue swirled, circled, and flicked my bud, but it wasn't enough.

"Mother Fucker Edward! Harder! Fuck!" I don't think I even knew what I was saying.

The frozen object was gone but the cold remained. It was quickly replaced as I looked down for the first time. Edward's eyes were closed and he looked like this was his heaven. I felt his fingers slide inside me and begin to warm me up. Just as I was about to beg him for more, I felt another finger, pumping and stretching my body. I had to stop looking, it was too much effort to stay propped up and I just wanted to feel.

"I knew you would love this baby." Edward's voice floated up to me but I could barely tell from where. It had never ever felt this fucking good. Even with whatever the fuck his name was. "Your pussy tastes so tangy and sweet. I could fucking live off of you." His words were bringing me higher, his fingers were fucking me better than anything I had ever known and when he brought his mouth back and gently sucked on my nerve bundle my thighs started shaking and my walls were contracting tightly. "Oh fuck baby. You feel so fucking hot coming on my hand, in my mouth. Harder Bella, harder."

I was pulsing and contracting and gasping for breath, my legs were shaking so fucking hard I don't how I had the strength to buck my hips and grind on his face. I couldn't think or speak except for the variations of fuck and mother fucker. And just when I thought my body was coming down, and Edward had stilled his fingers or hand whatever the fuck he was using, I felt him push harder into me. There was a momentary pinch as he went deeper but I spread my thighs wider as his hand stayed still but I suddenly felt his fingers searching. I was still fucking his hand when the other one finally appeared and gently pressed on my lower abdomen. I was trapped between his hands and I never wanted to leave. I could barely move but I didn't need to as he coaxed my G-spot to another orgasm.

"That's my girl, just for me."

My body was pulsing in concentration and "Oh fuck Edward, just for you! Fuck, all for you! UHHHHHHHHHH! BAAAAABY!" I swear I felt a wet gush and Edward put his face back down between my thighs.

The shaking subsided, but I think I was still rolling my head from side to side.

"Oh fuck, oh Edward." This time I was sighing it.

"Did you like that?"

"Um, I think my face is numb." All my earlier inhibition had flown out the window with the beautiful skyline that I was now staring at. "Edward?"

"Yeah baby?"

"C'mere. See what you've done? I can't even speak proper, properly. I feel deliciously drunk right now."

"I told you someone just wasn't doing it right."

"I wanna kiss that smirk off your face," I lazily smiled back at him. "Maybe I can suck it out of your cock instead."

"I will not stop you. Are you gonna have the energy?" My eyes were closed and he was gently stroking my face. I could smell myself on him and I wanted to see if tasted the same. I pulled his face to me and he laid down at my side to get comfortable. He leaned over and kissed me. I opened my mouth to him and he pushed his tongue in as if he knew what I was thinking. "See? It's good isn't it?"

"Bastard." But there was no conviction to my words. I got an idea though and looked up bright and renewed with my own wry smile.

"What do I get to suck off of you now?"

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So there you have it you little freaks! I know you want them to bang. But have you people any idea how long this chapter is already? Ridiculously long! If you liked their first little foray into the bedroom, stick around. Now that I've officially popped my cherry (cuz that was a smidge more graphic than before) I'll be happy to filthy up your minds some more.

Your reviews will be the only thing that lets me know you want more! DO IT! MWAH BBs! Love you all! And don't forget to come visit me on twitter my_e_addiction


	12. Chapter 12

**I'm not SM. I don't own the characters, but I own this story line. I don't get money for any of this. And even though your reviews don't pay the bills, they are honestly better than any paycheck any day. **

**I'm not sure if I lost readers last time... the reviews I did get were positive, so maybe those of you who didn't review thought it was too much. I'd like to know that as well. **

**Sadly, I will not be able to keep up my weekly updating schedule. I got a job. I like it just fine and all, but it takes up way more time than I would like it to. So while I figure out this whole working mom thing, please be patient. I will never make you wait more than two weeks though, promise. Love you all.**

**E's**

**PS. Forgot to mention that I have since picked a category thanks to CougerChloe. It is now hurt/comfort rather than general (lol). Your insight is awesome, thanks for keeping me sane bb! Mwah!

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Edward finally let me get up. I wasn't really stopping him though. Apparently having your nipples licked and sucked on can be a really good feeling. At some point I probably could have done without a shower as Edward had licked everywhere the pop had been. I was still cherry pink in spots, but I almost didn't want to wash it away. I didn't want to think, but my mind was at ease and memories of my sex life came flooding back.

I wasn't a total prude. My college days were filled with booze, tattoos and threesomes. Several threesomes now that I think of it. Man that was fun. The one where the one guy held my leg up, oh, or that first time with another girl. I would have picked someone a little, different, but she was pretty open. Oh fuck, and Dimitri. Fucking Dimitri. Its like you weren't allowed to be shy around him. He was rough but a good kind of I-can't-believe-I'm-doing-this-but-I-fucking-love-it rough. And when he had my ass in the air and called Alex in… _I Gotta get the fuck out of this shower!_

I finished washing up and smiled when I saw the faint pink streak down my belly. I loved getting clean, but I almost wished Edward had joined me. I was glad to have a little space though. Not that the steam and reminiscing helped to clear my head, but even then, I didn't feel one bit guilty about being with Edward. Did that make me a sociopath? I almost didn't care. At this point, I was ready to tell Jacob about Edward. Well, not _Edward_, but someone else. I hadn't planned on it, but the more I thought about the sex, my children, my happiness, my family, I couldn't keep this quiet. I even considered the possibility that Jake would consider an open marriage, but I doubted it. He wasn't exactly agreeable to even talking about other people's alternative lifestyles. Jake knew nothing of my crazy college days. He knew I wasn't a virgin, but I think he only knew about one or two previous boyfriends. I never bothered to correct him but again, it was something we never talked about. I always figured I'd say six if he ever asked. That sounded much more respectable than 'I stopped counting after 36.'

Edward had provided me with a very plush towel. I almost didn't need it though with the heat lamp warming me from above. My skin was soft and scented from the soap he provided me. I was almost surprised he didn't have my regular shampoo and such in the bath already. Knowing Edward he would have a way of finding out. I think I was maybe even a little disappointed. _Eww creep. Knock it off. _

I finally left the coziness of the bathroom and made my way to the bed. Edward laid there waiting for me. He had lit a few candles and removed the mess we made earlier. I loved that he was making an effort but this wasn't all sex soundtrack and rose petals type of shit. I wanted effort, not cheese. I made my way toward him and he lifted the covers for me to join. I hadn't gotten dressed or undressed in front of Jacob in quite a while. At first it was turning my back when he was in the room. Then it was strategically changing when he wasn't in the room. Finally I just started taking my clothes to the bathroom to get ready. I so wanted to drop the towel and dart under the covers before he had a chance to see me, but I knew he wouldn't want that. For some crazy reason, Edward wanted to see my naked body. Even if I didn't. So I dropped the towel. I didn't make a production of it and try to get all stripper like, I just let it go; and waited. And while I waited he looked. From his place on the bed he could only see from my thighs up. He shifted closer and looked. He didn't stare at me. It wasn't lascivious and I felt no shame. He didn't ogle my body or try to touch me. I didn't even attempt to cover my belly when his eyes finished at the apex of my thighs. I felt as precious as the Mona Lisa and as beautiful as Venus as his beautiful green eyes slid over my breasts. When he got to my throat he licked his lips and at my lips he bit his own. I could barely stand it but I didn't dare move until he had finished.

"Look at me baby." His voice was soft and deep and I wanted to curl up inside of him to feel the vibrations as he hummed to me. My eyes lifted toward his and I was almost afraid of what I would see there. But I already knew. The tears in my eyes were enough to tell him I knew and he didn't say anything again. He nodded down to the bed calling me in. I put my forehead to his chest and he curled his strong, warm arms around me. "I'm sorry. I can't help it."

_God! I do not want to be crying. This was supposed to be fun, hot sex. Stupid feelings._

"Don't be sorry. You did nothing wrong." Technically it was me, but I didn't feel now was an appropriate time. "I am selfish and what I'm about to say is probably the most shameful thing in the world but I can't help it either. Your eyes, your expression, the things you say, and the way you make me feel about myself, it's awe-inspiring. I don't think I've ever felt it before. I think I've said things that I didn't mean because I didn't know any better. I don't really know any better now, so um, I'm going to wait. Okay?"

"Okay. Bella, I already told you before, I'll wait. I didn't know what I was waiting for and it wasn't so hard then. At least now I do. Will you look at me?"

He placed his finger under my chin and tilted my head up. I continued to keep my eyes lowered though. How could I face this beautiful man? How could I say essentially, that I knew he loved me. That I knew he would wait till I made up my mind. What if I never did? What if I was just too sad and pathetic to ever take the leap and do what I needed to do even if I was scared shitless?

I took a deep breath and lifted my gaze to meet his eyes. Now was not the time to wallow in the misery of my own making. I needed to set that aside and give back to this crazy, love-sick, naive, fool. I closed my eyes, shook my head to clear it of all the heavy, and smiled a genuine, mysterious Mona Lisa smile.

Edward tilted his head and narrowed his eyes. His own small smile creeping across his face. _God, I loved how quickly he could move on when I needed him to!_

"What's going on in that little head of yours Princess B?"

"Princess?"

"Well, Queen B sounded too obvious."

I let out a comfortable laugh. "Yeah, but obvious is kinda your thing."

"It wasn't a little while ago." He was slowly setting me up; turning our bodies so he could position himself over me. He leaned down to nip at my jaw and moved toward my mouth. I turned my head as far away as I could, avoiding his kiss. "Oh, don't be like that," he cajoled. "You're not even really pouting. You should do a better job of hiding that smile if you want me to feel bad for you."

His lips crept closer to my mouth. I refused to let him win. Come to think of though, I couldn't really remember what I was supposed to be upset about when he ran the tip of his cock up and down my firmly closed thighs. Without thinking I flipped myself over and hid my face in the pillows so he would no longer have access to my mouth. However, if I had any brains in my head I would have realized what I was giving him access to instead.

"Oh baby. I told you that day in the bar how I wanted you just like this." He ran his nose the down the length of my spine and bit my left cheek.

I giggled and reared my bottom up. He took full advantage of my position and wrapped his arm around my hips pulling my ass further into the air.

"Don't move," he warned.

I felt him settle in behind me and I was incredibly grateful to have showered. He spread my knees wide and licked from my slit up to my tailbone. To say I was surprised would be incredibly mild. I wasn't even sure how to react. It was so good and uninhibited, and clearly he wanted to or he wouldn't have done it, but that was kind of new territory for me. He must have sensed it when my body tensed up.

"Did you like that love?" He asked as he worked his way up my back. His soft hair was tickling my back and like before, I didn't know what to do with myself. I stayed in this prone position resting on my knees waiting for his next move. He was running his fingertips over my thighs as his body encased mine.

"Did it feel good at least?" He prodded.

I don't know why I was so embarrassed. Edward wasn't. It was always something I pushed with Jake and he thought even using his fingers there was disgusting. Of course, he had no problem pushing his dick in there, but he didn't really want to pay any attention to it.

"I don't think it's disgusting. Bella, it's your body, and I love every part of it, even the ones you're uncomfortable with."

At this point he had lain down next to me and was stroking my hair.

"Oh my God. Please tell me I didn't say that out loud." I had flattened myself out again while keeping my face buried. I searched for another pillow to cover my head with. Maybe I could suffocate myself like this.

"Baby, can we talk?"

"That's the kiss of death." I mumbled from my pillow fortress. "That and tattooing someone's name on your body. What do you want to talk about?"

"First, will you look at me? I kinda like to see who I'm talking to."

"Would you be mad if I said 'no?' I'd rather talk about really serious stuff or sex stuff in the dark so you can't see how embarrassed I am."

"Bella," he pleaded, "it's not that bad. I just don't want to do things you're not comfortable with. If your nervous we can go slow. I told you before, we can stop at any time. I expect nothing from you sweetheart."

His tenderness made it hard to not look at him.

"Can I tell you a secret?" I whispered looking around as if someone else might be there. Edward caught on and did the same thing before nodding his consent.

"There's lots of things I, um, I want to, um, try, you know? Do." He smirked and raised his eyebrows questioningly. "Oh God. Don't make me say it. You know, sex stuff," I whispered.

"You are so freaking adorable. Bella, it's okay. I want to," he lowered his voice mocking me, "do sex stuff with you too."

"Shut up!" I gave his chest a shove. "It's just that, for the past couple, like ten, years, things have been sort of, um, routine. You know, vanilla. And I'm kind of to blame too because as you can see, I get sort of weird talking about this stuff. And I'll be honest, there was some stuff that I didn't even know existed until my girlfriend showed me this website. But," I shook my head trying to get back on track," the point is there's some stuff that looks like things that, um, I might like, and well, my, you know, isn't really that type."

"Bella, I'm not going to make you say or do things you're uncomfortable with, but you're being really vague and it's really hard trying to understand what the hell you're talking about."

"Okay, here's the thing, I'm not a virgin. Shut up." I rolled my eyes. "I mean I've had plenty of experience but I've really only done the regular stuff. Like, what you did tonight, um, I've never done anything like that before; using food. I um, haven't watched porn with anyone else, I mean I have, I do, by myself. Well, I tried it once with a boyfriend, but it was weird to listen to the moaning and yelling. It was like old school porn. I felt like I was in a fucking competition and I couldn't focus. So I haven't ever done it again. Plus, um," I took a huge breath, "I kind of like stuff that's a little um, different."

"Baby, do you have any idea how hard I am? Do you know what a fucking turn on it is that you're telling me these things? Things you haven't shared with anyone else? I want to hear all your dirty fantasies. Do you have any toys Bella?" His questions were laced with demands. For once I wasn't ashamed. It was so hot to see that he was enjoying this so much, and I hadn't even technically said anything. "Bella?" He drew my name out, his impatience increasing with my heart beat.

"Um, a vibrator." I bit my bottom lip, waiting.

"Just one?" He cocked his head knowing I was holding back.

"Three, one has little nubbies on it and it goes through batteries like crazy." I smiled and lowered my chin to my chest. "And um, a set of ben waa balls, and um, some beads, and uh, handcuffs, and there's this uh, vibrating cock ring I've kind of had my eye on."

"Have you ever used all these, toys?" He still didn't look upset or disturbed. Jake freaked when he found out I had a vibrator. As if I was taking away his manhood.

"Well, the vibrators, and the ben waa balls, but um, only by myself. I don't want to go into it, but the last person I was with got upset when he found my vibrator. He thought he should be enough, so I never even brought up all the other stuff I've collected." The shame came flooding back and my cheeks turned red, among other things.

By this time I was sitting with the blanket wrapped around me and my knees pulled up into my chest. I felt so very vulnerable in this moment and despite Edward's initial reaction, he could make or break me right now.

"Hey. It's just me. You and me." Edward whispered to me. He touched my cheek. "Bella, you are smart, and sexy, and incredibly selfless. You take care of everyone else and keep pushing your own needs to the back. Let me help you with those needs. Honest baby. Please don't be embarrassed. I want to try out every fantasy you have. I'll tie you up and blindfold you and tell you how much I want to spread your pussy open and put anything else I can find in my fridge in there."

He looked so serious, but I knew he was just trying to be as transparent with me as possible and put me at ease.

"Or, if you want to tie me up you can do that too. And I've never done it before, but baby if those beads weren't meant for you we can give it a shot at least." He winced just a touch and then cracked a big grin.

I was still slightly flustered about his unabashed discussion, but I knew he was doing everything possible to make me feel better. He pried the blanket out of my hands and exposed my body beneath. My knees were still drawn to my chest keeping me from feeling too exposed. Edward gently grasped my ankles and pulled my legs out. He wrapped them around his waist and hoisted my body up onto his lap. I eagerly wrapped my arms around him and hid my face in the crook of his neck. He smelled like warmth and sex and security. He didn't scoff at me or make me feel weird. He seemed to be just as adventurous and excited to do anything I wanted to.

He held me and didn't make a move. I was nervous, but I knew I needed to show him I wanted this just as much as he did. I stroked my nails up his back, circling around his shoulder blades.

"Maybe for tonight we don't go straight for whips and chains," I whispered into his neck with a grin. "Maybe just you and me for tonight."

He pulled me tighter and leaned down to kiss the tops of my pushed up breasts. "I've wanted nothing more than just you. I won't stop until you're happy though. But we can get all those fun things if it's what you need."

"Edward, I'm sure we can manage with whatever we find in your house."

Holding onto my bottom he hiked me up to his waist and maneuvered himself up to his knees. Once again, he laid me down on my back and hovered over me. My hand slid between us and I found his cock, warm and pressed against my belly. He made no move, just hung and his head and gasped. It was the first time that I was taking an active roll in this night and I was unsure of what he liked. So first I just slid my hand slowly up and down. Feeling the skin move under my palm. I soon moved my other hand down and gripped one hand on top of the other. It was making me tingle so I had to imagine it felt good to Edward. I realized though that he was holding up his weight on his arms.

"Lay down," I instructed.

He shifted his legs to catch his weight and sat up on his knees.

"Wait, stay just like that." His position was beautiful and I could see his strong thighs holding up his body. I ran my hands up the backs of them and reached his perfect heart shaped ass. I gripped it hard forcing him to release a little moan and I thought about biting it. I wondered if he'd let me leave teeth marks. My hands came around his hips and I couldn't help but stare as cock. It was thick and pointed straight out with its weight. I wanted to put my mouth on it, but first I wanted to play. I gripped his hips and circled my thumbs around his hip bones following the line of the V up and down. Each pass led me lower to his groin. The hair was trimmed but I could still tell that it was more coppery than the hair on his head. I couldn't help but smile at that. I tickled my fingers through it and watched as he rocked his hips expectantly, his eyes on my hands. I finally stopped torturing him and gripped his cock with both my hands. He threw his head back and breathed out hard and I hadn't even moved my hands.

As I slid my hands forward, the pre-cum squeezed out. I closed my eyes thinking of every porn I had watched and every erotic novel I had ever read. I wasn't very experienced at seduction and dirty talk, but fuck it! I was going to try it. I rubbed my thumb over the tip and gathered his cum. I brought it to my mouth and slowly licked it off. Edward was still watching me with surprised eyes.

"Fuck Edward, your cock looks so good. Will you stay right there for me?" He nodded his head, waiting. I gripped his thighs and slid down between his legs settling the tip right at my lips. I opened my mouth and began to lick. He kept his mouth closed as if he was trying to keep quiet. But I wanted to know he liked this. There was no one here and we could be as loud as we liked. I lifted my head up but could only get half of it in. I sucked gently, then harder, and pulled off.

"Edward, please, please talk to me. Tell me if this is okay."

"Oh baby this is so fucking good. Use your hands. God," he exhaled, "grab my dick just, Fuck! Yeah baby. Use both of them Bella. Fuck like that. Grip me harder and give me your mouth."

I did as he instructed but it was difficult to keep my head up while holding on to him.

"Put your head back, fuck you look so good." He leaned over me and gripped the headboard. "I want you to grab my thighs baby, but next time I'm tying your arms down. Can I fuck your mouth? Please baby let me fuck your mouth."

I couldn't even speak, I could only nod my head. I was nervous. I'd never done it like this before, Jake always laid on his back. I closed my eyes waiting.

"Open them please? I'll go slow. You still have control baby, just use your hands, I'll just start with the tip and you push my cock deep into your warm, wet mouth. I can't wait, please let me."

He did as he promised and settled just the tip at my lips. I licked it as I wet my own lips. I gathered saliva on my tongue and opened my mouth. I pushed on his ass, guiding him into my mouth. His body was tense and I knew he was holding back for me. I pushed harder and he moved in further. I tried to lift my head to help my throat and he immediately responded my pulling up slightly on the headboard. This angle was easier but fuck, he was bigger than Jake and I still gagged on that. I felt my throat constrict and Edward must have felt it too. He pulled back.

"That's perfect baby. You are so fucking perfect. Put your head back and hold onto my cock again. Suck baby. Suck on it, harder." His breathing was deeper and his words were coming faster. He didn't push too far in again but I'm sure he would have loved to. He pulled out all the way, "get me wet. Lick it."

He was so hot, telling me just what he wanted, how to make him happy, without being demanding or demeaning. So I was confused when he climbed off me.

"Edward?" I was worried I had done something wrong.

"I don't want to come in your mouth baby, not this time." He scooted back and pulled me up with him so we were both on our knees. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me hard. I thought guys didn't like that so I tried to keep my mouth closed. "Bella, you have to relax. Stop worrying about what someone else likes or doesn't like. This is me and you. I'll do anything you want. I told you already I want every piece of you all the time. I want my tongue in your mouth and in your pussy, and all over your body."

I kissed him back and reached my hand down to play with myself this time. I opened my lips and circled around my clit. I lifted my fingers back up and pulled back from our kiss. Without thinking I put my finger in his mouth. He put his own two fingers in my mouth and swirled them around. He pulled them out of my mouth and lowered them to my sex. He circled my opening working me up even more. He slid his fingers in and out and laid down on his back keeping his fingers inside me.

"Come here." I climbed on top of him and he brushed the tip along my wet slit. At my clit he stopped and worked it harder and faster. I was whimpering and rocking. His hands, his mouth, his words were all too much. I was clenching my inner walls and Edward moved his cock back and slipped inside of me.

"Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh," I moaned out. The sudden feeling of being filled made me shudder. Edward put his hands up by his head and lifted his hips slightly. "Oh fuck baby, fuck. So fucking good."

"Ride me Isabella. Rock those fucking sexy hips. Whatever makes you feel good, it all feels fucking fantastic to me. Like that, lean back a little," I let out a deep growl and shook my head back and forth. "You feel me deep inside you Bella? Hold onto your ankles. Such a good girl." I was able to use my own legs for leverage and Edward grabbed hold of my hips pulling me back and forth.

I could feel the sensation of an impending orgasm. I wanted this to last so I slowed my movements and bounced up and down. Edward's hands were all over my body, rubbing my hips, squeezing my breasts, and my shoulders. My thighs were burning and his erratic movements told me he was getting close. He pulled on my shoulders stopping my up and down movements and making me rock back and forth again. I swiveled and shifted my hips, my breath increasing.

"Just like that, oh God Bella, your pussy is so perfect and so wet. Squeeze me baby. Motherfucker! Baby I want you to cum for me, hard." He moved one hand to my clit and began rubbing. His long fingers allowed him to grip my hip and help me keep my rhythm while his thumb pressed harder on my little bundle. Then, he moved his other hand up. He palmed my breast on more time and kept moving his hand upwards. He reached my throat and once again, showing how fucking big his hands were he gently gripped my throat and began to squeeze.

"Oh Fuck! Oh Fuck! Harder Edward! Squeeze harder!" My eyes were closed and my head was thrown back. I was rocking and shifting like crazy as he pistoned his hips up and down thrusting his cock deep inside me. There were fingers working my clit and squeezing my throat and I couldn't hold myself back anymore.

"Motherfucker! You're so fucking aaaaahhhh aaaaahhhh..." I couldn't think or speak and my whole body was shaking as I let out strings of Edward, fuck, and unintelligable moans.

Somewhere in all of that I heard Edward begging me to let him cum. "Yes! Yes! Cum inside me Edward please! Please cum for me!"

And he did hard. Gripping my body everywhere his hands could reach. He was yelling or talking, I couldn't tell, it was all so hard to focus on as my body released wave after wave of tingles. But I know he was saying something.

"Fuuuuuck! I love your pussy. Ugggghhhh! I love you Bella!"

I colapsed on top of him while he was still inside of me. Our bodies were connected and we were wrapped around each other. He kissed the top of my head and stroked my hair as he held my body tight.

"I love you Bella, I love you. I don't care about anything else. I love you."

"I don't care anymore either."

* * *

**Leave me love bbs!**


	13. Chapter 13

I don't own Twilight, I'm not SM and if mother effing FFN effs up one more time, I'm going to totes lose it despite the fact this is all for free. Ugh. I have made several changes numerous times and the edits keep going back to the original. If you find any please feel free to let me know so I can try to fix them again. FFN is being a douche.

Sorry this took so frickin' long. I know I said weekly updates but I had to get this stupid thing called a job which takes up way more than 40 hours of my week. Damn Capitalist society! Forcing me to make money in exchange for goods and services!

Anyway, want to thank ChloeCougar for doing a pre-read for me and letting me know this chapter wasn't total shit.

Also, my friend and Beta (for Albertine) is going through a difficult time in her life right now. It's not much, but I know that reviews and alerts at least brighten my day a bit. If it's all I can do, so be it. Please check out her work, she is an amazing writer and way better with the whole grammar thing than I am. Trust. Just search author name: dellaterra.

* * *

I didn't want to but I had to leave. Jess couldn't take care of the kids all day and even though I didn't want to be, I was kind of worried about Jake. I turned my phone back on and waited for the messages to come pouring in. They didn't. Now I was worried. The only thing keeping my head on straight was convincing myself that Jake still hadn't woken yet. It wasn't even 8 in the morning, but I was hoping to get the kids, get home, and get myself together. I hadn't quite rehearsed the conversation but I thought of several points that I needed to make. I felt like I was preparing for a presentation, or worse, a debate. I had to stay calm and focused, make my points, and rationally discuss my counterpoints.

_Fuck. I'm going to break down like a ten year old girl caught stealing. _

I just wanted this to go smoothly. I had a sinking feeling though that no matter what I said it wouldn't matter. Jake was likely to have two reactions, and I wasn't sure in what order they would be. The first would be anger and defensiveness. I doubted he would even hear me. At this point I would probably stop listening too. It's hard to hear someone when they are calling you a cunt, a bitch, or telling you how you fucked up their life. There was also the other side. This side would be hurt, shocked, and possibly pathetic. Though, Jake's two fight reactions were never neat and clean. He continued to vacillate back forth between the two, telling me how we could work on whatever the problem was, then telling me I was a negative, soul-sucking person. And, if he was feeling especially hurtful, he'd throw in a "fat bitch" or "cold, loveless" something or other.

Yeah, this was going to be awesome. I really didn't want the kids home to hear this, but I wasn't about to be away from them again. I figured I'd put them to bed tonight and then we could talk. By that time Jake had to be home! If he wasn't he was dead_. _

_Problem solved. I'm so going to hell but I KNOW I'm not the only woman who has thought that._

I wanted to avoid this. I wanted to pack the kids up and go. Where the fuck was I going to go though? Oh God. This was the worst part about all this. I had no money. Whatever we had was mine and Jake's together. Neither of us could survive without the financial support. I mean, it was total shit but it was more than nothing. There was no way I could live with Renee, and Rosalie had her own problems to work out without my family in her way. And what of Jake? He could go back to La Push and live with his father. He complained about living here in the city but I knew he had no desire to go back to the reservation either.

Unless I turned to Edward I couldn't leave Jake right now. But I refused to do that. Jake didn't deserve that no matter how much I bitched about him. We just didn't work well together but he wasn't a bad man or father. In fact, he was a great dad. Of course there was the stupid shit that every man did; dirty faces, inappropriate television shows, crap to eat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner…. But honestly, he wasn't an imbecile and could take care of his own children for longer than an hour. He would always get so angry when people would ask if he was babysitting. He would remind those people that as a father, he wasn't "babysitting," he was parenting. And he did. Even if wasn't my way, the kids were happy, healthy, and safe; for the most part. But mostly, he loved them and they loved him.

FUCK! It was like having the same conversation with myself over and over again. I had all the same arguments for why I wanted a divorce and all the same responses for why a divorce either wasn't possible or wasn't fair.

I pulled into Jessica's driveway and couldn't help the grin that broke out when I saw the curtain move. By the time I made it to the front walk she had the door thrown open and was dancing in the entrance way like she had to pee.

"Tell. Me. Everything!" She was bouncing around on her toes, barely able to contain her squeals.

"Good morning Jess. How were the babies? I assume they're up already?" I pushed past her and made my way to the kitchen. "Oooh, flavored?" I grabbed a cup from the cupboard. "Tell me you bought me the sweetener? You know I hate sugar."

Jessica was ready to explode. Her nostrils were flaring and I could hear her grinding her teeth from across the room.

"That's not a good look on you. Now go take something and settle. Let me get my coffee."

"Mommy!"

"Baby!" I got down to my knees and held Paul close. He was the spitting image of Jake. There was no need to call Maury.

"I missed you. Did you have fun at Jessica's?"

"Yeah, and, mom, I have to tell you something." He pulled me closer to whisper in my ear. "And the guys and they took the computer and they broke it and they were dancing, aaaahhhh!"

He spun around in circles, then ran off to the other room yelling something about Big Time Rush.

"Jess? What did you guys do last night?" I quirked my eyebrow at her.

"Played, hung out, watched Office Space. It was the edited for tv version, relax." She leaned her hip against the counter and crossed her arms. "So?"

"Please," I pleaded with her, "I'm just not ready. Yes. The answer is yes, and I will tell you every freaking detail if you just give me some time. It's not that I don't want to talk about it, I just, you know? I need to figure things out first."

The truth was, I wasn't ready to share Edward with anyone. I just wanted to keep reliving last night in my head over and over again. Talking about it out loud might make it tawdry. Or maybe I'd forget a detail by saying it. Or worse, I'd get embarrassed and that was the absolute last thing I wanted. My body was still tingling from the high of being so dirty, so free, and loving every minute of it. A commanding attitude in the bedroom was far from sexy if what the person was doing felt like shit. I just wasn't ready to give it up. It was all mine right now, and so was Edward. Besides, I had to figure out everything with Jake.

Fuck! Jake. I pulled my phone from my bag. Still no messages, no missed calls. It was 9:30. Jake had to be up. Or at least coherent enough to hear the phone.

"Jess, could you give me a minute? I'm going to try and call the dumb fucker again. Pray he's alive so I can kill him myself."

I turned my back to make it clear that this is a moment I didn't want to share with my best friend. I would tell her all about it later, but I couldn't talk in front of her. I turned my head toward the porch when I smelt the smoke. I wanted to have a cigarette so bad right now. Part of me felt like it would calm me the fuck down, the other part hoped that the stink would linger to piss Jake off.

I pulled up my calls and hit send. I had to actually pay attention this time. Jake's number was almost always the first in the list. Currently, Edward's phone number sat there as a weird technological reminder that Jake had been replaced.

On the second ring I released a large breath I was holding. It was ringing. That meant two things: first, he wasn't in jail since the phone was ringing, and second, I would have to speak to my husband after I had spent a very intimate night with another man. I prayed it would go to voice mail and save me the agony of dealing with the consequences of my choices. But I wasn't so lucky.

I could hear a muffled sound in the background, then a clear, but low, "fuck."

"Hullo?" His voice was thick and garbled. He sounded like shit and it made me feel a little better. I was such a bitch.

"Jake." My voice was ice. Despite what I had done less than twenty-four hours ago, I was about to go bitch cakes on him and it wasn't going to be pretty. I decided it would be best if Jess just heard it firsthand rather than me having to repeat everything. I checked to make sure that Liam was in the living room with the babies and stepped out on the porch. I indicated to Jess to give me a cigarette.

I could hear him trying to get up, groaning and stumbling.

"Jake! First, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm here. Jesus, do you have to yell?"

"I'm going to try and calm the fuck down, and ask you again. Are you…okay?" I paused, choosing my words carefully. I wanted to make sure that he heard me, clearly. My teeth were clenched and I was starting to shake waiting for his answer. I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt, and thought about how I would feel if someone woke me up with a shit-ass attitude.

"Bella, I'm fine. Fuck. What time is it?" I heard more groggy stumbling.

Maybe he had gone brain dead. That would have been his best defense right about now.

"Uh, almost nine. In the morning. The next fucking day. You know? From when we were supposed to get together? Are you at Quill's house?"

My voice was deadly calm. Hopefully, Jake recognized the tone and knew not to fuck around.

"Oh fuck. Oh Bel. This was so not my plan. I'm so sorry. We were out, and drinking, and fuck! I don't know what happened!"

"I'm guessing you got fucking drunk, and as usual, that was more important than coming home. I'm also guessing that your total lack of… how did you like to put it when I smoked? Right, total lack of self-control got in the way of you having a few drinks and stopping."

I knew I had to stop. There was no way we could have a decent, adult conversation like this. This would lead to ugly names and vicious words. I was by no means a bystander either. I actively participated in the grotesque attempt to rip each others egos and down and esteem to pieces. The more one person was hurting, the more the other was winning. At least that's how it felt in the middle. It didn't mean shit afterward except that we were both lowlife people hell-bent on emotional destruction.

He attempted to say something, but I had to cut him off. "Let's just stop. Whatever, okay. Just get dressed and get home. I'm getting the kids ready and I'll be home soon. I can't leave them here with Jess all day, so they _will_ be home." It was a warning of sorts. We still had to talk, but it had to remain as close to civil as possible. Not that that would happen, but I could pretend.

"I'll be home in twenty. I'll expect that you'll be home as soon as possible?"

"Yeah, I'm grabbing my stuff, I'll say bye to Quill and then I'm out the door. Promise."

"That means nothing to me." My voice was dead. "We need to talk when you get home."

I had done it. I had dropped the bomb. I wasn't stupid. I knew damn well that what I had done with Edward last night was inexcusable and in that light, I had no place to speak to Jake the way I was. However, I couldn't stop the venom spewing from my lips. I wanted him to stress this. I wanted him to drive home worried.

Okay, so maybe I was doing this to deflect from the fall out of my own wrong-doing. No matter what I accused him of, or how I cried about my unhappiness, and his neglect and laziness, none of it would matter once I admitted to my infidelity. I had gone about this the wrong way. I should have waited. It was too late now though. Even though it's what Jake would focus on, and I was totally wrong for doing it, we had to move past it and see that we both contributed to what would soon be the end of our marriage.

Jake was silent for a bit. "Are you still there?" I huffed.

"Yeah, I'm here. I'm leaving now." His voice was somber and it seemed he quickly sobered up at my words.

_God, I'm an awful person._

I hung up and flicked my cigarette off Jess' porch.

"Want some for the 'talk'?" Jess air quoted then held her pack out to me.

"Fuck it. Yeah, just in case."

"Klonopin?"

"Jesus Jess, I need to stay somewhat coherent for this. Maybe later if you find me here with the babies. I'll manage though. This has been a long time coming and I just need to do this before I hurt either one of us even more."

Jess gave me a tight squeeze. "My house is your house. If you need anything I'm here for you. Fuck, so is Liam. He'll help you move shit out if you need, no matter what time. Okay?"

"Don't make me cry now. I want to keep up as normal an appearance in front of Paul as possible. He's so damn perceptive." I gave a deep sigh.

* * *

When I was in college I took a Japanese history class. Our professor wasn't much of a teacher but he had been to Japan many times and lived there for several years. I don't remember much from that class except a few numbers and a saying. Over the years I'd tried to look it up to find the character for the saying, but it doesn't seem to exist; at least not on Google. But I thought of it often, especially when I felt like this. The Japanese character represented _The 'Sigh' of Things_.

To explain seems almost impossible; it's simply something one feels. I felt it thinking of the conversation I was about to have with my husband.

A painful ache in one's chest. A deep breath released from the lungs that doesn't release the pain. An understanding that this is life. It is hard, and it is painful, and it is wonderful, and glorious, and beautiful, and sometimes it's too much to take in. And this sigh doesn't change anything. It doesn't make the bad feelings go away, and it doesn't make the overwhelming intensity of the good settle down either. It just is.

This was about to be my life.

* * *

Driving home sucked. I tried to pick upbeat songs, but found myself getting caught up in lame lyrics and turning them into something meaningful. Then I'd start tearing up and thinking about how my life wasn't what I had planned. Then I would try to put shit in perspective and get over myself. Then I would think about Jake, and how this was going to be a complete surprise to him. How? I wasn't sure, but I knew it would be.

Either I stayed longer than I thought or Jake tore ass home. I was still lugging a bag into the house when Jake pulled into the driveway. He jumped out of his car and went right over to Becca's side. Normally I'd have to say something but here he was taking care of Bec before I even knew it. Of course, just like a hair or the car. Just when you get to the salon to cut it all off, it looks great. Or the car stops making that crazy pinging noise as you pull into the mechanics.

"Babe, I am so sorry. I just, I don't know what happened. No, I do, I just totally lost track of time." He began spewing apologies and I just couldn't listen. I knew he was sincere, but it was just another time that his drinking got in the way of things. One of the many things that I could no longer overlook.

"I know," I replied softly. "Can we just get inside? Becca needs to go down for her nap and Paul is already inside."

"Is everything okay?" _He chooses now to pay attention?_

"Uh, not really, can it just wait until we get settled?" This is not how I wanted to start this conversation. Why did I feel like I was constantly saying this?

_It's not supposed to be like this…_

_I hadn't planned it like this…_

_This wasn't supposed to happen…_

Really, how many people had their lives go just the way they planned?

"Bella, you're scaring me. I know I fucked up. But is there an intervention up there or something I need to be worried about?"

"No. Just, um, some shit that's kind of going on in my head." That was putting it mildly.

He brought Becca in without further questioning. As I suspected, Paul was wiped out from being at Jessica's. I'm sure she didn't give him a bedtime and I can only imagine how long he and Liam wrestled for. I got him a chocolate milk and set him up in the playroom with some train movie on repeat. I figured he'd be asleep in a little bit.

As I took care of one child, Jake took care of his little girl. We converged in the kitchen as I made myself another cup of coffee. Nothing like being ripped on caffeine while I try to remain calm.

"So?" There it was. The defensive stance I had waited for, although, it had happened way sooner than I had expected. He had his arms across his chest and I couldn't help but notice how it pulled his shirt up a bit showing his gut. _Good thing he drank more last night._

I took a deep breath. It wasn't the least bit cleansing. I pulled my lips into my mouth and bit down. I was trying to figure out the fuck people do this all the time. It's not like I was the first person in the world to do this. Where the fuck should I start?

"I have been pretty unhappy for a while now. Before you say anything, I really need you to listen to me. I have been trying really hard to figure out what that means to me. I know this is something we've talked about."

He raised his eyebrows and I saw the anger flash across his face. I had to just get this first part out, then we could go from there.

"Um, you know I've been going to the gym and working on that aspect. I've also been trying to get a job to help with our money situation, which, let's be honest, totally sucks right now. I've also been writing more and I've submitted a few pieces to some magazines. But I haven't heard anything back.

While I've been doing these things, although, I'm sure you don't think I'm working very hard at it," I held my hand up to silence him as I saw him about to interrupt. "So, I've even started to apply for jobs that pretty much only require a GED just so we can get money. Clearly I haven't heard back from them and that sucks." Back on track, get back on track. "But the point is, I'm looking. Anyway, I'm um, still taking care of the kids, the grocery shopping, the cooking and cleaning, I do the laundry, and pay the bills, especially figuring out how the fuck we're going to pay for them.

We talked about this when you quit and I know how unhappy you were and how much you hated it. I'm trying my fucking best to leave it and not be resentful, but every time I'm wondering how I'm going to buy milk, the resentment bubbles up again."

"Are you serious? Is this what this about? Fucking money? Is that all you care about? What the fuck!" His arms flew out from his sides and I knew I had to stay calm. He didn't show it often, but when his anger boiled over, it was ugly and fucking downright scary.

"Not just money. Jake, this has been really hard…"

"It's been two fucking years and how hard have you really looked for a job? Huh? What about all your student loans? You've been able to sit around here and do whatever the fuck you want while I'm out busting my ass at shit jobs!" His voice was getting increasingly louder. Paul hated to hear us fight and often tried to stop it.

"Keep your voice down please. First, I have been looking for jobs, just like I said. No one even calls me back, so that feels great," I spat sarcastically, "and _WE_ both discussed that it wasn't worth it for me to take some shit job at Dunkin Donuts or something. I thought _WE_ both agreed that I should stay home with the kids unless I was able to find a job that would work around our schedule. Am I wrong? And as far as my student loans? _WE_ haven't had to pay shit on them. Ever!

And, sitting around here? Are you fucking kidding me? You occasionally throw in a load of laundry, or vacuum the house, and I should be fucking grateful?"

He was yelling some bullshit at me about how all I do is go out to lunch or go to the gym. And he never complains when _I _don't clean or make dinner, but he can't spend two minutes to himself, blah, blah, blah… Then came the, "Well, if you're so God damned unhappy, why don't you just leave?"

"Me? I should leave? You would say that! Rose or Jess would take me and the kids in in a heartbeat! But you would do that? Expect your kids to leave their home?"

"You're not taking my kids anywhere!"

"Are you kidding me? You think I would leave without them? You are out of your fucking mind if you think you would get them! I've been their primary caretaker so I'd like to see you get them from me. Prove me unfit!"

This was way out of hand and not where I wanted the conversation to head. I knew I had nothing to worry about, but judges definitely don't look kindly on infidelity and I did have my babies to think about. We were quickly losing focus and this was becoming just another argument. I had to stop this and I tried to prepare myself for the reaction.

"Jake, stop. This is crazy. I don't want to take the kids from you. I think you are a great father and I wouldn't punish you or the kids like that. Just, just wait. Just let me get this out. I'm sorry. Okay? I'm sorry about all of this." I waved my hands between the two of us. "I'm not happy anymore. I think you're a great person and I don't want to hurt you, but I don't want to do this anymore. I can't live like this. All we do is fight. This just isn't working anymore. I don't know that it ever was, but we just kept ignoring the warning signs."

I was sobbing. I did love him, as the father of my children, maybe. I just wanted this to be over.

"What are you talking about?" He looked genuinely confused at my words. "I'm sorry. I mean, we can work on this. You're not serious are you? What? What are trying to say?"

"Jake, this marriage isn't working anymore." I sat down at the kitchen table and put my head in my hands. I was simply resigned and exhausted. "I don't want to do this anymore." I couldn't say it though. I just couldn't say the word.

"Are you saying you want a divorce?" His eyes were watery, and he was shaking his head. "We have two small children. We made a commitment. Weren't you the one who always said that you don't just walk away from a marriage because you're 'unhappy?' How the fuck are going to do this to us? To the kids?" He was back to angry. Fuck.

I swallowed hard. "I'm sorry Jake. How long are we supposed to do this for though? You can't possibly be happy living like this? We fight constantly, I'm angry, I'm a bitch…" I couldn't give him too much ammo, but I knew I was really alone in this.

"You drop this on me and I'm supposed to say okay?" He began to approach me and I could feel my body tensing. I didn't want any physical contact with him. Surely that was a clear sign that something was wrong with this relationship. "We can work on this. What about counseling? You're the one who always says everyone needs therapy. What about us?"

"Jake," I held my hands up to stop him. "I don't want to fix this."

"But, I love you." As if that was going to fix everything.

I knew this was going to happen. I knew he still loved me and was attracted to me. He tried to be intimate or even just affectionate. He was a good man and a good father, but I wanted more. And I didn't know at the time that I deserved more. I wanted to ignore all the warning signs because I wanted to get married and start a family.

"So is this really all about money then?"

"Partly. There's more I want out of life that you aren't able to provide me with. But it's more about your work ethic, your values, what we want out of life… those things have changed between us. I've changed and in a lot of ways, you're still the same."

"You haven't changed for the better." He walked into the living room and slumped onto the couch.

I stayed in where the kitchen to give him some space. I didn't know how to say to this man that I didn't find him attractive, I didn't see him as a friend, his mere presence annoyed me. He didn't support me emotionally or financially. I didn't want my son to grow up like him or my daughter to marry a man like him. So after all that, how could I say that he was a good man? He was though. He loved his children, he did more than most men, he didn't beat me, and he didn't cheat. But it just wasn't enough. And this back and forth, this push and pull in my own head was killing me. This marriage couldn't last, not if we wanted to be happy, not if we wanted our children to learn how to be happy.

I walked toward the living room and stood in the doorway. Jake had his head between his knees. When he looked up his face was tear-streaked. He hadn't even cried when his mother passed away.

"Please don't give up on us."

"I'm not doing this to hurt you. I know you don't believe me, but this isn't how I wanted this to happen." I didn't know what else to say so I turned to leave.

"Jake?" He looked up, the pain on his face was physical. "This isn't something new, and this isn't something that can be fixed. We are who we are."

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean? You don't think I can change?"

"I don't. And as you've pointed out, I already have." I just couldn't tell him about Edward now. He'd think it was because of him. It wasn't. Edward might have been my catalyst to finally make a change but he wasn't my reason. How was I supposed to tell him so he'd believe me?


	14. Chapter 14

Usual Disclaimer: Not mine, well the characters. Some of the other shit? Well, that is mine.

To my readers, I love you all and I'm so sorry I have left you all waiting. If you all could figure out a way for me to get paid doing this, I'd blow out way more chapters. Especially the sexy ones. I love your reviews. I miss getting them from some of you, so I hope you are still following along.

To my fic wifey, CougarChloe, you are my strength and my inspiration in all things rl. And you know what I mean. Mwah bb.

Now go read and review her story, "A Second Chance

* * *

I let him walk away. I had to. What was I going to do? Chase after him? I wasn't changing my mind. But I didn't want him to be upset. Essentially, I wanted him to assuage my guilt. I wanted him to say,

"Bell, I'm sorry. I should have never done all the things I've done to hurt, upset, or anger you. It's all my fault you felt neglected and I just want you to be happy. If a divorce will make you happy, I"ll let you go without a fight."

But that wasn't happening. Ever. Not that Jake would necessarily make things difficult for me. When Rose told Royce she wanted a divorce the first thing he did was put the house and mortgage in her name. The second thing he did was walk away. Sort of. She was suddenly responsible for the mortgage, the kids, and any other bills he left her with. As it was they had no money, at least, Rose didn't. If only Royce had left things there though. She would have done anything to save her house, but was willing to move herself and the kids into a one bedroom apartment if she had to. Royce's harassment was the real nightmare though. He called, he sent text messages, he threatened to kill himself if she didn't get back together with him. When Rose blocked his number from the kid's cell phones he began sending them letters. Rose wasn't stupid though, and she opened up every one of them. Mostly he called her names and blamed everything on her. She wasn't surprised, but still unbelievably hurt.

Our children were far too young to read, so that would be a bonus, at least for now. I wonder what Jake would say to them someday. I remember the day Jess called me after leaving her father's house. Her parents had been divorced for years and Jess and I had just finished college. Her dad pretty much cried to her about how much he still loved her mother, and that letting her go was the biggest mistake of his life. He then proceeded to blame her mother anyway. _What the fuck was wrong with these men?_

I couldn't picture Jake doing something like that. Just as I wouldn't use our kids against him, I was sure he wouldn't either. But where the fuck do we go from here? Clearly we had to stay in the same house. We couldn't afford separate places and I wasn't about to move the kids anywhere. Aside from not wanting to go back to the Reservation, I knew Jake wouldn't want to be so far away from Paul and Becca. I would never expect that. Now came the trickier part though, how the hell was I going to see Edward if we were still living together? This part was going to be shit. I wasn't going to come out and tell him but I wasn't about to lie either.

What do I say? "Hey Jake, as long as you're home can you stay with the kids? I'm going out tonight with my boyfriend. I might stay over, but I'll definitely be back before breakfast."

Oh God. Was Edward my boyfriend? Was I too old for a boyfriend? Could he be my boyfriend if I was still married? Fuck.

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!

What was I thinking? Fuck! I should have just sucked it up and shut my fucking mouth. I could have seen Edward, kept things semi-normal at home, not rocked the boat, and everyone would be happy. Right?

What was that saying about life being too short? Or maybe it's a saying about sacrifice and, and, I don't know any sayings like that. Oh wait, I think it goes something like, 'Till death do us part.' I will fucking kill someone if I'm supposed to live like this for the rest of my life.

I put my head in my hands for the millionth time today. I couldn't be all emo when the kids woke up. I had to suck this the fuck up for now and figure things out later. My job right now was to be a mom. Jake deserved some space after the fucking shit bomb I dropped on him. I had been thinking of this for a long time, not sure how long, but long enough. It was his first round with it. He needed time to let it absorb. Not that it would probably make too much difference. I really just hoped he wouldn't drag this out. I just wanted to be civil. As far as I was concerned neither one of us owed the other money. I just wanted to make sure the babies were taken care of. I didn't figure we even needed to do some strict schedule or anything. If Jake wanted to see the kids, there was no reason he couldn't just call me so we could make arrangements. That's how I wanted this to go. I was sure it could. I didn't hate him. I didn't want him to hate me. I wanted him to be happy. Honestly. How could he be happy in this marriage? I was a bitch. We lived in a passive aggressive hell.

I couldn't sit here by myself, I was going stir crazy. I wasn't exactly in any position to call Jake back and tell him I wanted to go out for some time to myself. It was still early afternoon so I knew it wouldn't be too late. I pulled out my laptop and logged onto my Skype account. When I first started using Skype and Twitter Jake was jealous. I had tried explaining to him that it was just a way for me to communicate with people I had met years ago on a trip to Europe. Before I met Jake, I traveled throughout Europe for several months and met tons of people. I continued to email many of them as I moved from country to country and by the time I returned home, I had made some very close friends.

A few months ago I had reconnected with several people on twitter who then turned me on to Skyping. I was open with Jake about who I was talking to but I didn't feel comfortable with him reading my conversations. I tried to explain that it would be like him supervising my phone calls.

When I first met Angela, a sweet, non-assuming, English girl, I figured we'd hang out for the time I was in the area, but that I wouldn't have much in common with her. One night she took me out to a pub near her flat. When that girl got to drinking, I suddenly found a new friend. She was out-going, funny, and had an unbelievable wicked side! Even though we had lost touch over the years, when I found her on Twitter it was like we didn't skip a beat.

It was Angela that I wanted to talk to now. She had a way of calming me and supporting me no matter what stupid shit I said. I didn't need for her to talk me down from my decision, but I knew she had a great marriage and in some way, maybe I was still looking for hope. I logged on to my Skype account first and checked there; nothing.

_Aha! She is always on Twitter! _

I sent her a message asking if she had some time to talk. We caught up on the usual for the first few minutes. I figured I'd let her get settled before I threw this at her. I wasn't sure how she would respond. I knew she wouldn't outwardly judge me, but I was a little nervous what she would think of me.

**-So, I met someone.**

I waited.

**-Oh. Ok. I didn't realise you were looking.**

**-I wasn't.**

**-Oh. Do you want to tell me what's going on or shall I drag it out of you?**

**-Things between Jake and I have been bad. I met a man at the gym. Blah, blah, blah, I asked for a divorce.**

**-I can only imagine what occurred during the blah section. Lol**

**-Yeah, well, I didn't mean for it to happen.**

**-So you did?**

**-I did. I'm not proud of it, but it's done. Ang, I just can't stay with him.**

**-Do you love him? Jake I mean.**

**-Don't think so. Not really sure. That's the part that sucks. I'm pretty sure I do as my children's father, but I almost think even that I'm just saying because I'm supposed to. You know? Not even sure if I really like him half the time. He annoys the shit out of me and I, I just don't know.**

**-What's the problem? Really. What is it about him you can't stand now?**

**-He's fat. He's lazy. He quit his job because he wasn't "happy" What the fuck! He drinks too much, he doesn't take care of the family financially. He doesn't try hard enough. He's selfish… need I go on?**

**-Oh please do.**

**-Ang. *whiny voice***

**-Unfortunately, I don't have an answer for you. That's only something you can decide and it sounds like you have. But… fat can be fixed, drinking can be fixed, a job can be fixed. Selfish and lazy, well, that's slightly tougher.**

**-Easy for you to say. You have this fab marriage with Ben and you're happy.**

**-I wasn't always. I've been where you are. I can relate.**

**-But apparently you were able to work it out.**

**-Yes, well, I had to sleep with a couple of other men and come close to ending my marriage before I was able to do that.**

A time stamp appeared on the screen as I pondered my next words. I didn't know what to say.

Angela, sweet, innocent, caring, quiet, Angela, had an affair. Several, from the sounds of it. What the fuck? Was there anyone who didn't cheat? Why the hell were we even bothering with this marriage bullshit if no one had any interest in sticking to it? I wasn't judging her, honestly, I wasn't. Hell, I had just done the very same thing. But Jesus Christ! If people like Angela were having affairs, I had to imagine nearly everyone I'd ever met must have had at least one. The statistics were clearly wrong; although 30 to 60% is kind of a big difference.

**-Are you still there?**

**-I am Ang. I'm sorry. I just really, really wasn't expecting that. I never would have guessed.**

**-I hope not! Ben doesn't know, but there was a point in our marriage where I was very distant and very unhappy. I went to therapy, and got out whatever it was that I needed to get out of my system. He's not perfect. Neither am I though. But we have children and we're happy, and I love him very much.**

**-But I think I love this other guy. I know I do. Mostly though, I know I won't be happy if I stay with Jake.**

**-Well then, you have your answer.**

**-But I can't afford a divorce now. We're barely making it as it is. Another cause to my misery.**

**-You have a couple of options then. You work this out with Jake, you stick around long enough until either you can afford it or things get better, or you suck it up and ask for help to get out of it. If none of those seem particularly pleasant, well, they're not. But that's reality. I care very much about you Bella and I don't want to see you hurting, but maybe you need to give things a chance.**

**-I just feel like I have changed and grown so much and he hasn't. It was one thing to marry a 20-something year old when I was that age too. But now, I want to be married to a grown up. I don't want to take care of everything.**

**-Then maybe he needs therapy on his own. You mustn't forget the fact that your family is still very young and it puts stress on a couple like no other. And no one explains it to you or prepares you, you just muddle through it.**

**-I know. And I'm not really ready to bring this other guy into the picture. At least not fully. I am still married and I don't think it's fair to bring him around my children. I don't want to be "that mom."**

**-I agree. Only you can decide. But I think you both need counseling. Apart and together maybe.**

**-Hell! This is so confusing! I just wish someone would tell me what to do!**

**-You want him to be a grown up? You might want to try it yourself darling. I love you and I don't want to see you hurt, but I think you're heading that way.**

**-Ang, you're not helping. But I know what you're saying. You're right. Absolutely. And I know I'm being incredibly selfish, but he's unlike any other guy. He's charming, sweet, caring, sensitive, he thinks of me and my needs first...**

**-I know. And I want you to be happy. I just don't want you to chase a dream.**

**-Ang, I don't think I want to be with Jake no matter what happens. I'm not off to marry this other guy now or maybe ever. I just don't think I can stay where I am. Now I just have to figure out how the hell I'm going to actually do it. I have to go bb. Kids are up from their naps. I love you and miss you!**

**-I love you too Bella. Take care, and I'm always here for you no matter what you choose to do. I don't have the answers, just a shoulder.**

* * *

I knew she was right, but after that conversation I was almost wishing I had just called Jess. She wouldn't make me think. She would have just said, "Good job!" and left it at that. Well, not quite. I'm sure I'd hear all about her take on how I couldn't live like this and I should jump on the chance to take Edward up on his offer. I didn't want Angela to be right. I was positive there was nothing left for me and Jake. I was positive he wouldn't, no couldn't, change. I was sure as sure could be when I had slept with Edward, that this marriage was over. Done.

When I was younger I fell in love with faeries. I loved the idea that like the Greek Gods and Goddesses, there was a faery for everything. Some protected people, some took care of the forest, others were trouble makers and made you forget where you put your keys. The bad faeries were my favorite. They seemed more real to me. These ones made people mean, angry, or do hurtful things to others. They brought sadness and misery. They whispered in our ears coaxing us into destructive behavior until we became so wrapped up in our own deceit we actually believed it to be the truth and brought others into our sticky web.

Now she had me second guessing everything. What if we did go to counseling? What if Jake could change? I could keep my family together and maybe I could even be happy. Ang was happy. Maybe I just needed to get this out of my system. Maybe Edward would be okay with just being my lover while I stayed married to Jake and kept my family intact. Fuck! Edward. I don't think that would be enough for him. Fuck. I was like a fucking leper, infecting everything I touched.

I desperately wished right now that the faeries were real, at least then I could blame my terrible behavior on that. Maybe they were real and my brains were being scrambled by them. This was ridiculous. I thought I had it all figured out. Then Ang has to go throwing logic in. Suddenly it seemed like it wasn't everyone else around me, it was me. Jake seemed to be happy until I went and brought him down. Edward could have been happy, and he probably would have just moved on if I hadn't allowed something to happen. And then stupid of all stupid things, I let him say, "I love you." Worse, I go and do something even stupider and say it back! I am a life ruiner! Eventually I will probably just ruin my children's lives too. They'd probably be better off if I just let Jake take care of them. At least they wouldn't be around someone so fucking brainless and selfish!

I shook my head. I had to get out of it. I needed to do something, anything, to stop fucking thinking so much!

_Drugs! I know I have drugs somewhere!_

I dug through my underwear drawer (where else do people hide shit?) and pulled out a bottle. It hadn't yet expired. _Please, please, please let there just be one. Jackpot! Oh Xanax, I've missed you so._

I hadn't taken any in years, but the stress of my marriage had sent me to my doctor for something. When she asked why I thought I needed a tranquilizer I told her I was going to either kill myself or someone else. Apparently homicide and suicide are both pretty good reasons. I had been responsible with them and only took a half a pill when I just couldn't take it anymore. Now I was down to my last one and I needed to use it wisely. I tucked the little pill into my pocket and changed my shirt. I put on some makeup and pulled my hair up into a ponytail. By the time I got myself together, I heard Becca moving around. I ran downstairs to put a backpack together. I grabbed some water, some juice, and a few snacks. I put a twenty in my back pocket and pulled out the stroller. I hadn't just hung out with the kids and relaxed in so long. In some ways I was doing this to myself and if the bit of crazy I had just displayed wasnt enough to convince me then nothing would.

After I got the kids ready, we head out. I just needed to be out and breathe and not wait for Jake to come home. How the fuck was I going to handle that? _Let it go, let it go, let it go... just gotta get to the park._

We found a fantastic spot under a tree and right near the playground. Paul couldn't wait to get to the swings and was off and running before the blanket hit the ground. I set Bec up on the blanket with me with some cheerios and books -she'd be happy to eat either one. As we settled in I pulled out my bottle of water and grabbed my little pill. It began to take effect immediately and my stomach settled right down. The hole in my chest began to close and I could finally breathe. I spent the afternoon catching Paul at the bottom of the slide and pushing Becca on the baby swings. It didn't feel like I had the weight of the world on my chest, and for the first time in a long time, I just felt normal. Part of me hated that I had to take something to feel that way, and the other part of me didn't give a shit.

As the sun began to fade Paul complained that he was hungry. I checked my phone and realized that it was past dinner time. I also realized I had a text message. Fuck- from Jake. I think the pill had worn off and I could feel the sick coming back.

**B- I'm home. You're not. Can you at least bring the kids home? I have nowhere else to stay, so I'll be here. -J**

I was surprised, and truthfully, delighted. He wasn't being a dick to me, he was just being honest, which was frankly, freakin' amazing. I didn't want for him to feel uncomfortable or make this worse for either of us. I could have gone home with the kids and slept in Paul's room. I had done it before, but I didn't want to. Apparently everything Angela had said to me went right out of my head with that pill. _God, I have to get more of those if I'm going to go through with this._

**J- We're at the park. Leaving now. I will go to Jessica's. I will need to pack some stuff.**

With the kids tucked into the stroller I began to make my way home. I couldn't do anything until I left. I wouldn't be able to remain appropriately contrite otherwise.

I tentatively walked into the house hoping for the most part to avoid Jake. As much as I wanted to rush over to see Edward, I knew Jake was hurting and I didn't want to make this worse than it had to be. I brought the kids in and got them set up at the table. I started to prepare dinner as I didn't want Jake to have to do anything else but spend time with his children. He walked into the kitchen and said hello to the children. He looked up at me with sad, but accusing eyes.

"I figured I'd get dinner started for them." I indicated the kids with a nod of my head.

"I can make my own children dinner. Do you really think I'm that stupid?"

My eyes shifted from side to side and I was suddenly confused. "I know." I furrowed brows decidedly confused but I'm sure my words came out much harsher than I had intended them to. "I just figured I'd help you out, that's all."

"I don't need it. I can take care of my kids." He folded his arms across his chest.

I was biting my tongue so hard I swore I could taste blood. I probably deserved this. I mean, I guess it's the least I deserved, but to feel the hostility pouring off of him, to see the anger in his eyes hurt. I should have expected it, but I didn't. I kind of expected him to fall on his knees or something. He was hurting. I should have just gone quietly. I should have just shut my mouth, kissed the kids, and packed some shit. But I had had enough of shutting my mouth.

"So, this is how you thought we could work things out? You figured you should just be a total dick to me to and I'd what? Readily agree that I want to try harder? Are you kidding me?" My voice was starting to rise slightly, I didn't want to cry, but the lump in my throat was building, and the hole in my chest was opening like a sink hole.

"Oh, I'm sorry," he sneered. "Since you've already decided how this is going to go, should I grovel too? Beg you to change your mind? Do whatever the fuck you want. I can't even look at you." He was practically shaking with anger.

"Jake?" I was actually getting nervous. I was positive he wouldn't do anything, but this was so unlike him.

"I'm taking the kids to see my father tomorrow. We'll be at the Res for the day. We might stay over." He hadn't looked at me. His large frame just moved around the kitchen opening and closing cupboards. I assumed it was because he didn't know where things were. I didn't think now was the time to make a smartass comment about it.

I kept my face straight. I couldn't give anything away. He wouldn't stay. He wouldn't take my kids. Even if he found out. He just needed some time. He needed to be in a safe place and he just hadn't seen his father in a while, or some of his friends. My face was stone but my heart was pounding like crazy. I felt sick. I wanted to vomit. I wanted to swallow but my throat had apparently closed up. I wanted a pill.

"Okay. Do you need me to get anything together for them as long as I'm here?" I didn't even recognize the calm in my own voice.

"Just like dinner, I think I can manage." He looked in my direction and raised his eyebrows in challenge. He wasn't looking at me, but through me. Now was not the time to challenge.

"I'll just go get some stuff together for myself. I'll come say bye to them in a minute, okay?" What the fuck? I was asking to say goodbye to my own children? He's fucking lucky I didn't snatch them up and walk out the fucking door.

I forced myself out of the kitchen without letting go of a single tear. I barely made it to my bedroom before a few escaped. I couldn't help the tears that fell but I thanked God I held back the sobs. I think some of the confusion and residual xanax left my brain fuzzy enough to just go through the motions without too much thought. I packed a couple of days worth of clothes not knowing what to expect.

I cleaned my face up and made my way back to my children. As I approached the kitchen I tried to gauge Jake's mood. Maybe he had calmed down. He had some pasta cooking and I resisted mentioning that Paul only likes butter and sprinkle cheese, no sauce.

"I'll be at Jess's." I slung my bag over my shoulder.

_I wasn't leaving my babies. He loved them. He was competent. I had gone away before._

I repeated this mantra in my head over and over.

"Yup." He kept his back to me.

"Okay Paul, Mama's gonna go out. Be a good boy. I love you. Listen to Daddy."

"Don't go Mommy," he pleaded.

Tears were welling in my eyes. "Silly boy." I ruffled my hands through his hair. "I'm just going for a little bit. You're going to have fun with Daddy and baby sister. K?"

"Okay. I'm having apple juice." He proudly showed me his cup. He would be fine.

"Mwah, mwah, mwah!" I made loud smacking kisses all over Rebecca's head and face. She laughed out loud and came at me with her mouth wide open, her baby version of a kiss.

My chest tightened and I stopped breathing to keep the hysteria at bay.

"I love you both!" I gave my babies more squeezes and kisses and kept the phoniest smile plastered on my face.

"Call me if you need anything."

"Yup." He appeared to have softened a little bit. I had to take my opportunity.

"Be safe okay? And, um, yeah, so, just be careful, and tell your dad I said 'hi.'" _Tell your dad I said hi? What am I an idiot? Yeah, because he's going to want to hear from me after Jake tells him what's going on._

Jake never turned to look at me. He faced the cabinets and raised a hand as I left.

I put my bags in the car and turned it on. I didn't know if he was going to look out the window and I wasn't sure if I wanted him to see me crying or not. I plugged my phone in, found the song I needed, and turned up the radio. As I sped down the road I sent a text, fuck illegal.

**E- I need to see you. **

His text came back within seconds. My stomach did a little flip flop at the thought of him just waiting to hear from me.

**B- Me too. When?**

**E- Now? I'm on my way.**

**B- My door is unlocked and I'm waiting for you.**

I set my phone down and cranked the stereo.

_This is not the end this is not the beginning_

_Just a voice like a riot rocking every revision..._

I put my window down and screamed out the lyrics. My throat was burning and the tears were streaming down my face.

_...Waiting for the end to come wishing I had strength to stand_

_This is not what I had planned it's out of my control..._

_...All I want to do is trade this life for something new..._

I just wanted this to be over. I knew from the beginning this wouldn't be my life. At some point I realized I wasn't even singing anymore, I was screaming. I was screaming my brains out as the freezing wind took my breath from me.

I was hysterical. _My babies. My babies. My babies. What have I done?_ I was having a breakdown. I was losing my mind. I thought I would feel free, I thought I would feel I was able to move on. I don't remember pulling into Edward's driveway. I don't remember falling out of the car onto my knees. I don't remember vomiting on his lawn. I don't remember Jessica getting there and forcing me to swallow something. I don't remember the blackness that finally overcame my mind and body. I only remember Edward's body cocooning my own, holding me together, keeping from shattering into a thousand pieces.


	15. Chapter 15

All the usual, Not mine, belong's to SM and such, except for this plot line which is mine. So, as I'm sure we've all noticed even two weeks isn't really working out for me. All I can say is that I'm working on writing when I can, but if you follow me on Twitter my_e_addiction I occasionally talk about EE or other stuff I'm writing. So, on with it then. Enjoy and of course, please review.

* * *

I could barely open my eyes. I was awake but didn't want to be and the sick feeling in my stomach told me it would be best to just close my eyes again and start my life over. I pulled the pillow over my head and attempted to avoid the fuckshow that I would have to eventually endure.

"You're awake." It was a statement that I didn't want to confirm.

"No. I'm not."

"Well then, your sleep talking is pretty coherent."

I wanted to curl in on myself and die. Why wouldn't he just let me do that? Instead, Edward scooped me up in his arm and swept me into his side. Whatever I was wearing was getting all bunched up around my waist as he slid me across the sheets.

"What the fuck is this?" I tugged at the material.

"I thought you would want some pajamas after the night you had. It's just my t-shirt."

"Well, help me get it the fuck off."

"You're so pleasant in the morning," he joked.

"Please?" I huffed.

"I'm always happy to help you take your clothes off. But um, you're making it kind of difficult what with your head still under the pillow."

He tugged some more on the shirt and managed to hike it up under my armpits but I refused to let him see my face. I was mortified by whatever had happened last night. I knew it wasn't good seeing as I felt like total shit—emotionally and physically. And then it all came back, Jake, the kids, taking them away, his anger… I couldn't help the groan that escaped my lips and the bile that rose that in my throat.

"Oh baby," Edward lamented.

He pulled me close with my face still hidden and my shirt half off. I allowed myself to go limp, I didn't want to fight anymore. He gently pulled my arms from the shirt, and I finally let him remove the pillow so he could pull the pajamas over my head. I shut my eyes tight, too embarrassed to look him in the face.

"Are you going to tell me what happened?" He stroked the hair from my face and continued to tickle down my arm.

"Do you want me to throw up in your bed?"

"I'd prefer you not throw up at all. I imagine your throat is already pretty sore from last night." He stroked two fingers up and down my throat.

Now that he mentioned it, my throat did feel scratchy.

"Was it that bad?" I put the pillow back over my head.

"Bella?" He propped himself up on one elbow and lifted the pillow up. "Were you drinking last night?"

My eyes popped open and my first instinct was to get angry. So I did.

"What the fuck?" I did the nasty bitch face that Renee warned would give me wrinkles.

"Woah." Edward held his palms up to me in defense. "I wasn't there last night, baby."

I wanted to yell at him. To scream and cry and tell him what an asshole he was for assuming that. I wanted to tell him this was all a huge mistake and he didn't have a fucking clue who I was or what I was going through. But how could I? He wasn't getting pissy with me. He wasn't defensive or accusatory the way Jake would have been. His voice was still gentle and he seemed genuinely concerned.

"No," I sighed. "We had a fight. Well, not really. I mean, there was no fighting. I don't even remember the details. Jake was upset and told me that he was taking the kids for the day, and probably overnight tonight to his father's."

I got up to pee and was thankful to not have to talk about last night anymore. Edward snapped my underwear as I rolled over and it made me brave enough to go to his bathroom without putting a shirt on. I tucked my arm under my breasts and did my best not to bounce. I knew he was looking, but I was in no mood to put on a show. Besides, it had been months since I was even naked in front of anyone. Well, with the exception of the last time I was naked with Edward. I made it to the bathroom before the grin broke out on my face.

I felt guilty for running around half-naked and giggling about my boyfriend in the other room. Only hours ago I was a mess. I glanced in the mirror before I sat down to pee. A HOT mess, to say the least. I no longer had mascara on my eyelashes as it was instead smeared across my cheeks and temples. I reached for a towel and scrubbed while I sat.

When I was finished I had managed to redden my cheeks, but remove the black stain. I splashed some cold water on my face and dug through the cabinets for q-tips. If I couldn't be beautiful on the inside, I could manage some semblance of decency on the outside. My search also led to some mouthwash—score—the non-alcohol kind, so your mouth feels more clean, less burny. If I had the inclination, I could have just asked Edward for my bag and brushed my friggin teeth. But I didn't want him to know I was getting ready to be naked with him. I wanted him to think I woke up looking and smelling fresh. I was purposely forgetting that he had already seen me, and by mention of my sore throat, smelled me.

_But hell! This man had, um, Oh my God, I'm so pathetic! I can't even say it in my own head! Had sex with…went down on…. Fuck it! _

I put both hands on my hips with my legs slightly spread and looked at myself in the mirror. His mirror showed me way more of myself than I want to see, but men like confidence. I shook my head to correct myself. Men like Edward like women with confidence. Edward liked me.

_And Edward fucked me with a cherry popsicle!_

I said it loud and proud! Well, loud in my head. But that didn't stop the giggle from bursting out.

"B? You okay in there?"

Edward's voice was muffled through the door, but it was clear that he had gotten out of bed and was standing right outside. I opened the door naked and said it before my bravado wore off.

"You fucked me with a popsicle!"

His eyes got wide and he smirked, but not his usual cool, confident smirk. No, this was the smirk of a little boy getting caught doing something naughty. He caught himself though and the boyish, embarrassed look turned to devilish again.

"I did. And you loved it." He was right. I did.

I tried to move into his arms, or past him so I could run to the bed and hide. I was dying of embarrassment that I just said the word fuck out loud and meant sex but wasn't in the middle of doing it. But he wouldn't let me. He caged his arms at the doorway and trapped me. I wanted to grab a towel and cover myself, but I knew that's what he expected. Or maybe it's just what I expected, but not what I really wanted. Still, I cursed my boobs that were bigger now, but hung more, along with my belly, and the nasty scar across my abdomen where my babies were cut out of me. My stomach started to hurt again but I didn't want to cry in front of Edward. Not right then. I felt like all I had done was cry in front of Edward, or make a fool of myself. I guess crying is part of the fool part.

"Oh baby."

He opened his arms wide and I curled into him. We were skin to skin and I was so sick of sobbing and snotting all over him. I just wanted to be normal. I couldn't help it though. I couldn't help that my aching heart didn't stop there and made the rest of my body hurt too.

"Tell me," he whispered.

After I finished my sob story and got to the part about driving to meet him, Edward filled me in about how he was waiting for me and got worried when he heard my car pull up I didn't show up at the door. He explained that he found me curled up on the grass- _Surprise, because apparently that's my new favorite position- _with my phone in my hand. That's when he called Jess, who had no clue what was going on, but being the amazing friend that she is, borrowed a neighbors car, and hauled ass to Edwards with tranquilizers.

We spent the morning in his bed. He had opened a cabinet hiding a huge television and presented me with a mammoth movie collection. I gladly chose Harry Potter Year 1 and requested lots of coffee. I was actually really happy at that moment to not have a job and I didn't want to question Edward about his. I just wanted to stay in bed with him all day.

Around noon Edward popped in the second year and I sent a text to Jake. I agonized over what to send. I didn't want to ask if he was okay, but I didn't want to appear to question his parenting skills either by asking only about the kids. I finally settled on a few short words and hit send.

**J- Hope the kids are being good. Give them hugs and kisses for me. Have a safe trip.**

His response came quick and for once, I settled down without the help of drugs.

**B- Don't worry. We're safe and having fun. Paul loves playing with the big kids and I don't think my dad has put Becca down. No need for a stroller here. Lol **

With the text he sent me a great picture of the kids waving at the camera from Jake's father's front porch. They were happy. He needed this. And there was no nasty undertone to his text. I felt like I could finally breathe.

I must have literally let out a sigh because Edward snuggled close to my bare chest and asked if I was alright.

"I am. Jake sent a picture." I held up my phone for him to see.

"B, they are the cutest kids in the world. But as much as Jake needed time with the kids, you needed a break. Don't give me the pouty face."

"It's called the bitchface," I pouted.

"Whatever it's called, it's cute. But still. They are your life. I know it, Jake knows it, and so do these guys." He handed the phone back to me. "It's okay to take a break though. And don't get all upset with me, but Jake seems like a good dad. He should have time with them too."

He cupped my breast and lifted it slightly to his mouth, kissing just around the nipple.

"Especially if…" he trailed off and licked my nipple this time.

"Oohh," I let out a breathy, half-moan, half-sigh sort of sound. Apparently it was sexy, or at least encouraging, since Edward grabbed my hip and hoisted my body higher to get his whole mouth on me.

"Did I tell you how much I love these?" He mumbled without taking my nipple out his mouth. He began to suck and at first I wanted to stop him, it kind of hurt. But as he took another long pull and flicked the tip with his tongue I felt a spark shoot straight down my belly and warm between my thighs.

"Edward!" I was surprised at how good it felt.

He flipped us so I was hovering over him with my tits directly in his face. He grabbed my hand still holding my phone and took it out of my hands.

"Baby, let me turn this off. Please? You know they're okay and happy. Right?"

His left hand had my phone and his right cupped my left breast. How could I deny him? I let go of the phone and he fumbled with a few buttons as he continued licking my chest up to my neck.

"Where the hell is the power button?" He looked up from his task and tried to examine my cell.

"Gimme that." I reached across him but he kept moving the phone the further I moved up his body. Fuck, his arms were long!

"Do you want me to shut the friggin phone off or what?"

"I want you to keep moving."

He gripped my hips and pulled them to his body. At the angle I was at, I landed on his stomach. He tucked his fingers, then his hands under my bottom. He barely lifted me up and pulled my body higher.

"What are you doing?"

"Shh, you talk too much."

He kept pulling until I had to shift my weight. My knees were tucked up under his arms, but he didn't stop. I couldn't sit on him anymore. I was kneeling on the bed now with my ass in his hands and my pussy on display for him. I was so grateful that I wasn't looking at his face. I couldn't imagine what he was thinking.

"Edward?" I questioned nervously. "What—"

"Didn't I tell you, you talk too much? Don't answer that. And don't give me your _bitchface _either." I couldn't help but raise an eyebrow and smirk at that one.

"Are you embarrassed?" I nodded my head. "Baby, how can you be embarrassed with me after last time? I already know your body so well, but I want to know it better, and from every angle."

That did it. My face turned bright red and my hands flew to cover my face. I knew I shouldn't be. I knew this was one of my biggest problems. I wanted to be this free spirited, confident woman who owned her body and loved sex. That's what men love, confidence, right? And alone, I had it. In my head, in my fantasies, I could be that woman. I didn't have body issues in my fantasies. I shared myself and my darkest, kinkiest thoughts with my partners and they didn't laugh or look at me like I was a pervert.

_So why couldn't I be that now? It's what he wanted. Hell, it's what I wanted. _

He pried my hands away from my face.

"Look at me?" He held my hips gently this time and rubbed his thumbs in circles just around the barely protruding bones.

I was finally able to look down when he let go of my hips and began to run his fingertips across my belly.

"When did you get this tattoo?" He traced the outline of stupid purple butterfly that sat smudged on my lower abdomen. I never got stretch marks through it, but it still didn't look the same after two children as it had when I was 20.

"Uh, not even sure. It was a total impulse. I think I drove past some tattoo shop one day and just got it done. One of those stupid teenage things, I guess."

"It's pretty. And so are the ones on your back. And this little freckle here. And this one."

His hands roamed the length of my torso, up and down, between my breasts and over my shoulders, never touching me intimately, and yet, his fingers reached me more deeply than if he were inside of me. My breathing slowed and my skin cooled. I let my eyes drift closed and just listened. I listened to the neighbor starting the car. I listened to a dog bark down the street. I listened to our heart beats, his, steady but quick, mine, deep and thumping. I listened to our breaths, in and out.

I took a breath in. I felt my lungs expand, my breasts lift. I held it. I let the breath go. I felt my belly go empty and my head went dizzy. With my eyes closed, I placed my palms on Edward's chest. I felt the rise and fall of his breaths slow to match my own. In and out.

I kept my eyes closed and felt Edward lift my hands off his chest and onto to the top of his head board. He lifted my right knee and I used the head board to support my weight. He lifted my left knee and again, I shifted my weight. He wrapped his hands around my waist and guided me down. I felt his warm breath on my wet body and a shiver ran up my back. I waited. And I listened. And I felt.

For a minute, maybe two, there was nothing more than Edward breathing on me—breathing me in. Then his mouth. Just his lips, kissing me, there. Then his tongue, licking me, there. Once, twice, deeper each time.

"Baby," he whispered into my body, not breaking our connection, "open yourself up to me."

I lowered one hand, slowly, down my throat, tickling my chest, my ribs, fingering the spot where he touched my freckles, down my stomach to my pretty purple butterfly. My fingertips circled it and moved left, and down, rubbing through the short v of hair, till I came to his lips, that never left my body. I traced the outline of his lips, then my own. He licked at my index finger and I could tell his tongue was searching for more. I gave him my middle finger too, sliding them over his tongue as he sucked. I pulled them out slightly, rubbing myself, and sliding them back into his wet, waiting mouth. In and out.

I spread my knees wider, skin sliding on thousands of soft threads, thighs settling over rough cheeks. I took my two wet fingers and spread my lower lips open. His tongue flicked back and forth, faster and harder, increasing his pace as my panting increased.

"Ed—ward, oh, oh, fu—uck." It was whiny and high pitched and I couldn't give a fuck how I sounded. But I could hear him too, humming and moaning beneath me. He began to move his head frantically as I was writhing above him. The sounds he was making were wet, hungry, and intense as he ate me out.

"Please baby," I begged. "Fuck me, aahh! More!"

My hips were rotating of their own volition, I could barely stay on him and his fingers dug into my ass, bruising me, branding me, holding me to the earth. I could smell our sweat, and sun-warmed skin, and my sex. I was shuddering, calling out to God and Edward to save me.

"Too…much…soo….mmm… uuuhhh!

My eyes were still closed and I wasn't sure if I had taken a breath that whole time but, but I was breathing now. Edward's hand touched mine still gripping the headboard and helped me to release it. He gently massaged my fingers and palm as he laid me down, bringing blood back to my clenched hand.

He stroked my cheek with the back of his hand and smiled.

"Hi."

"Hi." I murmured sleepily back to him.

"See? You just needed to relax. Are you relaxed now?"

"I was relaxed before."

"Yeah, not really," he mocked. "I like when you're calm like this, and when you let me touch you, like that. Did you like it?"

"Yes."

"Tell me."

"I did."

"Tell me in detail." He adjusted himself to pull the comforter out from under him. He handed me the free corner so I could cover up.

"Actually," I said, reveling in my nakedness and new found openness, "I'm good without it." I stretched out to prove my point.

"Then tell me." He looked pointedly at me. His voice had taken on a serious demeanor that lacked his usual gentle style. This was the Edward from the alleyway behind the bar that day. This Edward was stern and sexy. I didn't want to disappoint this Edward.

I closed my eyes, wanting that confidence back again. I took a deep breath and looked him in the eyes.

"I liked how you calmed me down and made me feel good. I liked how you took charge and moved me how you wanted me. I especially liked when you told me to, um, you know?" Here it was again. I was trying to be an adult about this, but suddenly I felt like a silly little girl, who could barely say words like "pussy and tits" in her own head, let alone out loud, in front of someone!

"B, I want to hear you say it. It turns me on to hear you say those things. Do want me to go first?"

I nodded my head slightly, but I knew he had seen.

"_Pussy._ I love licking your pretty, wet pussy. I love when your pussy is spread wide open for my mouth, and my tongue. I love it when my fingers are deep inside you, rubbing your G-spot, and sucking on your clit." He paused long enough to circle my right wrist in his long fingers and pin it to the bed. "I love to squeeze your ass. I want to spank it hard and pull your hair while my cock is buried in your tight, pink snatch."

Each time he said the word, my thighs clenched and I felt the deep tingle in deep inside. He stalked me, first with his eyes, then with his body. He hovered over me, and pushed my knees out with his. He barely grazed me with penis and I nearly shot off the bed. I would have if his hands weren't holding me down.

"Say it out loud Bella, or you don't get it."

I whimpered.

"Not good enough baby," Edward teased. He moved both of my wrists to one of his hands and grabbed his shaft in the other. He stroked it a few times and rubbed my center again.

"I liked when you had your mouth on my pussy," I whisper-breathed. His eyes lit up, so I bit my lip and gave it a go. "When you lick my pussy and then the air hits it, ooh. And then," _oh my God! Apparently I was continuing! _"when you squeezed my ass hard, I really liked that."

"Do you have any idea how hot it is to hear you talk like that? I can see that your still so nervous, all shy," he rubbed his nose up my jaw line and as the top of his body moved to caress me, so did his lower half, in perfect sync. "Keep going. Tell me more. Tell me what you want."

"Okay," I relented. "But," I paused, sucking my lips in, "don't look at me okay?"

"Okay." I could hear the humor in his voice.

"I want you to put your fingers, inside. Two fingers, but, don't move them. Hold them, still. And with your thumb, I want you to push the skin back to expose my clit."

"Fuck, Bella." He was grinding into me, sliding his cock through my folds, like we were teenagers making out, but not ready to go all the way.

"And then I'll use my fingers to rub my clit. But I still don't want you to move your fingers, I want you to feel as I clench around you." I closed my eyes once again and thought about my fantasy.

"Where are my fingers Bella?"

"In my pussy, deep in my pussy. And then you start to slide them in and out of my body, pushing, hard."

The more I talked the harder he rubbed against me. His cock was slippery from me having just cum, and my clit was still super sensitive.

Edward released my wrists and moved his hands to my breasts. He pushed them up together and began sucking and kneading them. With his hands busy, he used his hips alone to guide his himself to my center.

"You're so fucking hot. I want to fuck you. Now. Please let me fuck you." Fuck. Begging Edward was a hot Edward too.

"God yes!" With all the rubbing he was already as wet as I was. He slid inside of me effortlessly and I gasped. Fuck! Who knew I liked dirty talk so much.

"I love being inside of you. I love your fucking pussy. Say it Bella, tell me what you love," he grunted out the harder he pumped.

"Your cock!"

We panted and fucked our way across the bed. My head was hanging off the side and I worried that I would fall off, though I don't know why. I don't think there is a whole lot I would have to worry about with Edward. He pulled out of me and leapt off the bed.

Even with his cock bobbing up and down as he jumped he looked so goddamn gorgeous. He was youthful and smiling, he looked silly and excited. He was excited to get back to me. I was left on the bed, alone, waiting for his next move.

"Get on your knees my beautiful girl."

He scooted me to the edge of the bed again and fucked me hard from behind. I didn't have the energy for words as he pumped into me. He was pulling all the way out, waiting until I began to push back on him and then pushing back inside, hard and fast. He was slowing down, drawing this out, unlike the frantic tongue fucking he gave me before. As he slowed down he began to caress me, bringing out sensitive Edward. He rubbed and massaged my thighs, my back, and my ass.

"Bella, Bella," he chanted.

He stopped his movement altogether and I felt his hand under us, fingering my folds, my clit, pushing it into my body. And then, while his finger was still inside, he worked his cock in too. It was only in a minute when he pulled his finger out and switched hands. His other hand began to rub my clit furiously and I clenched my walls rhythmically around his shaft.

"Fuck, I can feel you. So good, so fucking good."

And his hand on my clit began to go from rubbing it to slapping it. He was deep inside me and raw and aggressive, and then I felt his other hand, his fingers, still wet, rub my ass, and slide over the other sensitive hole. He fucked and rubbed me and slowly put pressure on my ass, and just the idea of him fingering me there had me squeezing and aching. I released on his cock in a warm gush of shudders and swears. Seconds later Edward was coming deep inside me as well.

We finished a weak, sweaty mess. I wasn't a regular smoker, but I had a strong craving for one after that.

"I love more than your pussy B."

I slapped his sweaty thigh that was available to me from our spooned position. "You're so crass," I accused.

"Isabella," he snuggled us in the blankets and tickled my shoulder, "I love you baby."

I sighed, and smiled, and asked Edward to hit play on the movie again.


	16. Chapter 16

**Disclaimer- I still own nothing. Not Twilight, not Harry Potter, not the song, Waiting For the End by Linkin Park that I used, um, last chapter, several chapters ago? and never acknowledged... but anyway.**

**A/N- I'm still here! I'm so sorry! It's hard to be angsty or even dramatic when I'm too fucking tired and things haven't been so bad in my life. But, I have written several o/s. They are on my home page and I would love to hear from all of you about those stories too.**

**I would like to thank LovelyBrutal and Shpwhitney for letting me pop their WC cherry simultaneously and making me set aside time to do this. You can find them both, and me on Twittah my_e_addiction come find me and hang out. I'm a night owl. **

**Finally, I would like to thank ALL of YOU READERS! You make me so very happy, and if you review, I'll know you're still here with me, giving me reason to keep going. **

**Oh, one more thing, whoever nominated me for The Avant Garde Awards brought to you by Twilight Facebook, well, there aren't enough cherry popsicles in the world to thank you! I am honestly humbled that you thought it was good enough for even a mention. If you loved the lemons in this story so far, please go and vote! I was nommed in the Lemon category (surprised? I was.)**

**www(dot)avantgardeawards(dot)com/ Round one voting is open now until June 4th. **

* * *

We watched the rest of Harry Potter and slept on and off for the day. I was glad that Edward took my phone from me. I probably would have just stared at it otherwise waiting for bad news from Jake. _He's right, I'm such a pessimist. _

But I couldn't get rid of this feeling that Jake was going to call me and say that he wasn't coming home. That he was going to keep the kids and fight me tooth and nail. We had had fights before where he told me that I was crazy and that he would get the kids. I know I had said nasty things to him too, but I never told him I would take away his children. I just assumed I would get primary custody if anything ever happened. I had been their caretaker. I had been there for everything. I knew their schedules, their habits, I knew what made them laugh and cry. When Paul was hurt or upset he called for me, he ran for me. There was a time that Becca wouldn't let anyone else hold her but me.

Around six I dragged myself out of Edward's warm bed and made myself shower. Not alone of course. I had shit to do, but not enough that I needed to be away from him. There would be enough of that soon. I knew that this kind of alone time was a rare occasion.

We finished in the shower after we both finished in the shower. I knew I was going to be sore but it was so worth it. I hadn't been touched in so long that I had almost thought I didn't need it. I had been getting myself off as needed, but that "as needed" became less and less as time went on. It was easier to beg off the longer Jake and I went. After a while he really stopped trying and the relief I felt was amazing! In so many senses, Jake and I had become roommates without separate rooms, although, I was seriously considering at this point. Jake knew how I felt now and that I didn't want to be in this marriage. But I wasn't sure how that would look to Paul. Would he understand? I didn't want to sleep in his bed and confuse him, not to mention start a really bad habit, but I wasn't about to sleep on the couch for the next six months or however long it took to finalize things. I supposed the kids could share a room and I could move upstairs. I wouldn't ask Jake to do that since I was the one who started this whole thing.

I kissed Edward several more times as I tried to make my way to the door.

"You're not making this easy," I told him.

"I'm not trying to."

"Me neither. But I really have to. Jake will be home tomorrow and I've got some things I need to sort out."

"Like what?" He whined.

"Like, finding a lawyer I can afford or maybe doing one of those do-it-yourself things. I need to start seriously figuring out a job, and, well, I guess I kind of just need some private time to think about how I'm going to do this."

"I wish you wouldn't. I really have more than enough space and I could just help you until you get all those things done. It could be a loan if you want. But you shouldn't have to be stuck because of money," he huffed.

He ran his hands through his hair roughly and I knew that was getting too worked up over this.

"Edward," I pulled his hands gently out of his hair, "you have to know how very much I appreciate your offer. And if you don't well, here." I kissed him softly while holding his hands. "But, one, it's just too soon. I just told Jake about this. I can't just go running away before he has a chance to process this. Two, I _definitely_ can't go moving myself and my kids in here like that." He rolled his eyes.

"I'm sorry you're frustrated. I told you from the beginning that I just didn't know how much I could give you right now. You know I care about you. But I have to think of my kids and in all honesty, I have to think about how things look."

"To Jake?" He gritted his teeth.

I took a deep breath, attempting to calm myself. I was selfish. I knew it and I thought Edward knew it too.

"Yes. And to my family, and to my kids. They may be too young to understand right now, but I don't want them to think I ran from one man, one relationship, to another. This is why I just need a little time. Okay?"

"No," he pouted this time.

"I'm sorry." I put my forehead to his chest and he wrapped his arms around me.

"Don't be. I'm being selfish. I just want you with me. I want Paul with us and I want Becca with us too. And I hate thinking that you're going to be with him." He held me tighter and I wanted to sink into his chest.

"Baby, you're not selfish. It's me. I just…" I let out a deep breath and thought of Paul. Every time something was hard for him, he would say, "too heavy" and huff away. That's how I was feeling now. Everything felt "too heavy" right now. "I don't know what to tell you right now. This is really, messy, and I feel like I just have to settle some things. Okay? I'll text you and I'll call you when I can."

He sighed and acquiesced.

"I should probably see if I can pick up some over time anyway."

"Edward, this isn't the end." I pushed myself off of his hard chest. "Stop acting like you won't see me." I needed to lighten the mood before I left. He knew I had things going on. I couldn't just pretend my other life didn't exist and I could just jump into—or out of—whatever I felt like.

He swallowed thickly and I waited. I wanted to roll my eyes at him. He was making this harder than it had to be and I didn't need one more person to take care of or someone else's feelings to worry about. Not right now, or every again, to be honest.

We finally parted ways but I felt guilty for leaving him. The guilt was worse than lying to Jake and the feeling made me cringe internally. Something was gnawing at my gut and I couldn't bring myself to go home just yet. I pulled into a convenience store and bought a pack of cigarettes instead. When I got back into my car I sent a text to Rose and one to Jess. Whoever got back to me first would win. The prize? My company.

And then it hit me! I actually gasped out loud like the drama queen I apparently was—_I couldn't stand to be alone! _I thought that's what I wanted, but every time I got upset, I ran to my kids, to Jess, to Rose, and now, to Edward. What the fuck was I supposed to do with this information?

Rose replied first asking me what was up. It was still early and I realized I needed some serious alone time. Serious, alone, thinking time, where no one else's ideas or thoughts or feelings influenced mine. Suddenly I was scared. What if I fucked up? What if my relationship with Edward was nothing more than fun and fooling around? What if it was just like my relationship with Jake and things turned out awful because no man is really that good? And on top of that, what the fuck was I thinking anyway? I wasn't happy with one man, how could another be worth it?

Before I met Edward I had pretty much convinced myself that even if I ever got the guts to leave Jake I would never do this bullshit couple/marriage again. I started having a panic attack. That sick feeling was back only now it hurt to breathe too. I fished out the cigarettes and lit one up. I had to get home. I couldn't be out on the road and I definitely couldn't talk to anyone. God only knows what stupid shit would come out of my mouth. I lit it and the deep breaths appeared to calm me down, but I knew that wouldn't last.

This kind of panic was reserved for life altering decisions. Like in college when I decided to change majors in my senior year. Only then, fuck! I had lied to myself then too! And I lied to everyone about my reasons, but I had told the story about why I changed my mind so many times, that I was positive it was the truth. I actually believed it myself.

Fuck! So now I was stuck. Was I telling myself that Edward and I wouldn't work out because I was convinced that every man was an idiot? Or was I just jumping into something because I had been so unhappy for so long?

I drove around for a while and smoked way too many cigarettes. I went home without texting Rose back and I still hadn't heard from Jess. I went inside and looked around the cold, dark house. It was still dirty from how Jake and I had left it.

_Thanks for cleaning, Jake. Yeah, like I would have cleaned either. _

I didn't want to do dishes now. I didn't want to pack. I didn't want to make any decisions or disrupt my family's whole life. I think I wandered in and out of each room at least fifteen times without touching or really even seeing anything. The whole place was just a giant trash hole. Shit everywhere and I didn't even know where to begin.

I decided to start with my clothes. I went to my bedroom and considered packing some things. I didn't get very far though. I sat down on my bed and picked up my phone. Normally, I would have been thrilled with the silence and total alone time. This silence was suffocating. The television was on, but the people's voices were muffled. I had hit start on the dishwasher full of dirty dishes, but the rush of water meant barely touched my ears. There were probably dogs barking and cars driving by, but I couldn't hear a thing. I think I might have gone brain dead, or catatonic…

* * *

I woke up several hours later confused as to whether it was day or night. My phone confirmed that it was eleven thirty at night that same day. There were two missed calls from Edward and a text.

B- Haven't heard from you. Hope you are ok. I miss you.

I didn't respond. I didn't know what to say. I wanted to let him know I missed him too and that I was thinking of him and that I wanted to be with him. But I didn't. Instead, I dug out my Nook and pulled up some book I had been reading. I read the words, but they were really just a blur to my mind of mush, tears, and benzos.

* * *

Jake and I tip toed around each other for the next couple of days after he came home. We weren't rude to each other and we didn't avoid each other, per se, but we didn't really speak either.

"I'm going to take Paul to story time at the library. Do you want me to take Becca or are you going to stay home?"

"Have the kids eaten?"

"There's clean laundry in the dryer."

It was like living with a roommate, only we shared children, so we were forced to talk about some things. I had taken to sleeping in Paul's room but all of my things were still in their rightful place. It's not like I had moved out, I just sort of...checked out.

Jake had become extremely helpful during that time. He made dinner without being asked, he took care of his own clothes, and one morning he had even gotten up with the children and gotten them dressed and fed before I was downstairs.

I looked around the kitchen as my eyes adjusted to the sunlight.

"Hi."

"Hi," he grinned sheepishly.

"Kids up early?"

"Uh, not really. I thought you could just use some rest. I uh, made some coffee. I think I did it right." He nodded toward the coffee maker. Jake didn't drink coffee so this was clearly just for me. I tried not to be too suspicious, but I knew better.

"Thanks. And _um_, thanks for cleaning up." It was like waking up the next morning from a one-night stand and awkwardly trying to figure out where your underwear was without having to ask.

"Oh, sure, sure. I planned on going to the gym today. I," he paused and patted his gut, "haven't really been in a while. I figure it's time I start up again. I'm not going to jump into anything crazy, but, well, you look really great, and I, well, I don't. So, I thought I'd start running again."

I simply nodded. What was I supposed to say? 'Yup, you're a fat piece of crap.' So I got a cup of coffee instead. He watched me as if I was opening up some big surprise and he was checking to see if I liked it. It's coffee. Even bad coffee is better than no coffee. But it was pretty good and I had to admit it.

"Uh, not bad. I appreciate it." I held my mug up as if to cheers.

"Yeah? I couldn't really remember what you had told me, but I followed the directions on the bag." He had this big toothy grin and I swear if he had a tail it would have been wagging.

I did my lip-suck thing to avoid saying anything nasty or even remotely sarcastic, and bobbed my head up and down.

I knew this Jake. This was the I'm sorry I fucked up and I know I was wrong so now I'm going to do all those things you've been bitching about that I should have been doing all along and act like it's the second coming. Thanks, but no thanks.

I said my good mornings to the kids and tried desperately not to roll my eyes at Paul's chocolate puffs cereal. _At least he did something. _I was just sitting down to go through the mail that I hadn't really paid attention to in days when Jake popped his head into the living room. _So, a little bit of effort and we're cool again? I hate this game._

He came over to the couch and sat down. I might have moved the other direction just a little bit.

"So, I was thinking... I know we were both pretty upset the other day. And I admit I fucked up pretty bad."

He looked at me expectantly and I continued sorting out bills.

"Anyway, I got to talking with my dad when I went to the Rez, and he kind of tore me a new one. I've been a dick lately and a real ass. I've been feeling bad about myself about this whole job thing and I've let it take me down. I haven't been here for you, I haven't done my job with the kids, and I've probably been drinking too much too."

I raised my eyebrows at this last one.

"I know. So, I know I need to lay off. I haven't had anything since I left. And I've been applying for jobs like crazy. I even replied to a couple of ads on craigslist for landscapers and construction. You know, just to help get through this."

I still hadn't said a word. None of this was new. Not the job search, not the working out, not the helping me around the house, not even the drinking, or attempted lack thereof. We'd played this stupid game so many times that the words almost automatically fell out of my mouth on cue. But I stopped them.

"Thank you. For all of it. I have seen the difference. And it's really nice to see the effort. It's just that, this isn't an easy fix."

"I know. I know I need to keep working on it, and I was thinking of going to see the doctor, you know, my head... it's just, I guess I'm depressed."

_Great! Just great! Now he's depressed! What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? No shit! _

"I want for us to stay together."

_And there it is. Don't throw up. _

"Jake. I understand what you're saying, but, I think I made up my mind."

"See? You _think_. As in you're not sure. Bella, we have two kids together. We're married, we've been together forever. Did you think this was supposed to be easy? There's going to be hard times. I know things haven't been the best, but, that's recently. I was stupid for just leaving my job. I admit that. I just didn't think it would take this long to find something else. But I'm really trying. And I just don't think it's fair to do to our kids. Neither one of us is working right now. And we're barely getting by together."

"Not a ringing endorsement, by the way." _That one slipped! _But still he kept his cool.

"You're right. I know that. But, what? A one bedroom apartment for them would work? That's not fair."

"Neither is thinly veiled hostility between their parents."

"Bella," Jake sighed, "I'm trying, okay?"

I took a deep breath and really tried to think about what I was going to say. I wanted this to be clear without having to say too much.

"I know. I see that, and I appreciate it. We can make this as easy as possible on the kids and on ourselves. I'm not saying anyone has to move anywhere or sign any papers, not right now. I know we're in a tough spot financially. And I already told you, I don't want to take the kids from you. I think you're a good person, and a great dad, but there some things that I'm missing, and I need that space. I was planning on getting a toddler bed for Paul and putting him and Bec in a room together. I'll take the upstairs. I'm the one who brought all this on, and I don't want to make this harder on you."

Jake just shook his head. I could see the frustration building in him and I didn't want to push it. Things had been fairly peaceful the last few days and I wasn't ready to lose that with a blow up over something I was pretty sure wasn't going to change.

"I think you're being selfish."

I couldn't stop the snorting laugh that came through my nose after that. I closed my eyes and considered biting my done. If done literally at this point, I would have bitten straight through it. I mustered all my strength and mentally walked myself through every therapy session I'd ever had. I took a deep, cleansing breath and prepared.

"I understand that you think I'm being selfish right now. I am definitely thinking of myself and my needs. I am also, however, thinking of our children and the type of example I want to set for them."

"So, walking away when things get hard is that example?" He threw his hands up and laughed.

Without acknowledging him, I turned to Paul.

"Baby, can you get your train set? We'll set it up, okay?"

Jake stood up from the couch.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get upset. I'm really trying. I know there are things you need and I want to do those things, but I need to know what they are. I really think we should try counseling."

"Couples counseling?"

"Yes. I'm willing to do anything to keep our family together. I can't believe you're willing to just give up."

I lowered my voice another octave as I heard Paul lugging his train set into the living room.

"I'm not 'giving up.' I've been working on _this _for years." I waved my hands around to indicate myself, him, our home, and our children, all of it! "And I've been alone for some of that. All of these things didn't happen overnight. These were things I had been letting go of for years. Then these were things I tried to tell you about for years. I'm ready to walk out and you now see there needs to be a change? I'm sorry Jake. But right now, I can't talk about this. I'm glad you want to go to counseling. I'm glad you want to go to the gym and take care of yourself, but it's not that easy for me. And I'm sorry if you think I'm being selfish, but I want to show my kids that we all make mistakes and that doesn't mean you have to live with it for the rest of your life. We're human, we grow, we change, and we want different things."

He hung his head in defeat, or maybe he was just gathering ammo. I wasn't sure so I prepared for either.

"Is it okay if I go to the gym? Did you have plans this afternoon?"

_Okay, wasn't expecting that._

"Uh, Tuesday... yeah, I have a morning class at the gym, then some grocery shopping, and I was going to swing by Rose's house. Did you need something?"

"No, I just thought I'd help you with anything you needed."

"Right, well, I'm used to it, so it's fine. Besides, the kids like the day care at the gym."

"Gym? Me going to gym, Mommy?" Thank God Paul had no sense of the awkward tension he had just cut through.

"We are. But I need to get myself together," I glanced at the clock, "quickly." I jumped up and hoped to avoid any further discussion.

"So," Jake trailed off as if it was a question.

"What?" I took another deep breath and tried to reign in my growing discomfort and attitude for this entire discussion.

"So, if I call a counselor, will you go?"

_Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuck fuck._ In my head I was jumping up and down and stomping my feet. _No! Nononononono! I won't go! And you can't make me!_

"Yeah. If you want. But, if we're going to do this, you have to be one hundred percent honest. I know how you like to minimize things. I won't waste my time. And I plan on being totally honest too, so, just be prepared. That's not a threat; I'm just saying you might not like everything I have to say. That's all."

"I know. I get it. I just want us to have this chance."

_Fuck me._

* * *

It had been days since I spoke to Edward. He had texted me and even called a few more times. I was gutless. Gutless and heartless. It's a wonder I didn't cease to function. But amazingly, I had made it through all these years-no guts, no heart, and definitely no brains.

I wasn't purposely avoiding him. I just didn't know what to say. I told him I needed some space. I should have had the decency to let him know that I was okay. I wanted to say that I was thinking of him, but I was pretty focused on myself these past few days. Jake was right, I was selfish. It had been so long since I got to be selfish. I had been worrying about everyone else for so long now. And here, I get this little inkling of freedom. Despite my current hollow status, I gained enough of a backbone to say that I was unhappy and that I couldn't keep pretending anymore. It's like I saw the light at the end of the tunnel and turned left anyway.

I knew Edward was nothing like Jake. I knew it from the very beginning. It's not like things with Jake and I were all lovey sweet gooey romance in the beginning and then it changed. It wasn't like that. Jake was always a selfish prick. The number one thing we fought about was that he did whatever he wanted to, whenever he wanted to and never took my feelings into consideration. I can't say he did it maliciously, he just didn't know any better. His mother had died when he was young and Billy kind of left Jake's sister to raise him. Billy set the example for Jake to look out for number one. I didn't know that Billy though. The Billy I knew had grown and matured and changed significantly. He was around for his family and his grandchildren. Although, he hadn't had a steady relationship since Zafrina, but maybe they were just too different to make it work. Or maybe, he hadn't changed that much and was still selfish when it came to relationships.

I really believed that Edward had my best interests at heart when he did or said something. I really believed he would do whatever he needed to, to take care of me and my children. But I really didn't have all that much to give back right now. I had my babies that I could give to and the rest had to be for me. I had told Edward that much from the beginning hadn't I? He was the one willing to except this half-assed version of a relationship and a person. He couldn't be mad at me, right?

* * *

I walked into the gym and scanned my card. Paul ran right to the kid's room and I scanned quickly to see if either Edward or Jake were there. After getting the kids settled I bee lined it to the group exercise room. I would be safe in here. At least for an hour.

Or not.

"Hey. You okay?"

My skin was probably still on the floor as my body leapt into the air.

"Jesus Christ! You scared me!" I held my hand over where a normal person's heart would be. "Hi. I'm sorry I haven't called, or returned your calls, or texts, I just..."

"It's alright. I understand."

Of course he did. It was Edward.


	17. Chapter 17

**Disclaimer- Of course I don't own it. And if I didn't know any better, I would think I didn't give a shit about writing either. But I do babies. I swear I do. I'm trying. I can't tell you how amazed I am to even get new alerts that people are interested in still reading this. I had considered pulling my Works in Progress, but was encouraged not to. So please continue to be patient with my lack of speediness. **

**I adore all my reviews, despite the profound sadness I feel at knowing that the reason some of you love this story is because you can relate so much. Ahh, such is life, though.**

**Enjoy this chapter, I figured you all deserved a little something for having had to wait a month for an update. And a special thank you to lovelybrutal for being my inspiration. I want to strongly encourage you to read her stuff, but I'm afraid you'll never want to read my crap once you see her beautifully crafted words. **

**Love you all.**

**xo, E's**

* * *

Seeing him after so much time (okay, a few days) was like seeing him for the first time all over again. He was here and he was gorgeous, all perfectly imperfect hair and lean muscles under his tee shirt. There was no other man like him. I had looked. In fact, shortly after I met Edward, I searched desperately to assure myself that there were plenty of good looking men around that I just hadn't paid attention to. No such luck. It turns out that most men looked like Jake. Not specifically, but you know, they were good enough looking for men in their thirties or forties. They were probably hot at one time, but getting married and having kids stopped them from caring, so they developed a gut, and filled out around the neck and jawline. They had receding hairlines or visible neck and back hair. The majority of them had a dumpy, life-has-beaten-me-down look. They all looked fucking miserable. Or creepy.

But not Edward. He looked beautiful. Achingly beautiful, genuinely sweet, and unfailingly trusting. I hated myself right now.

"Hi."

"Hi," he teased back.

"I'm sorry we haven't talked in a while. It's been hard, you know, at home. I mean, with, well…" I was stumbling around blind—struggling to keep my head above this sea of unease and tension—and he wasn't reaching out to guide me through. "There just hasn't been a lot of free time. Okay?"

He continued leaning against the door frame and smirked at me as I floundered. Jerk.

"I know," he said calmly.

My awkwardness was filling the room and suffocating me. I don't know how he didn't feel it, or if he did, he hid it well. I was desperate for him to say something normal, or even weird. Maybe then I wouldn't feel so alone.

"I've missed you. Does he check your texts too?"

I knew he wasn't accusing me of anything but I couldn't help but feel defensive.

"No! But, there's just a lot going on. I told you I would need some time. I have kids Edward, and I'm still married. I'm not even legally separated or anything and…"

He cut me off by holding his hands up.

"I told you already, I understand. I want you with me and it's been driving me crazy not talking to you," he said gently as he stalked toward me, "but, you have your priorities." The last bit came out with a hint of sadness but I think he was trying to hide it.

"Edward, please? We're at the gym. I want to see you and I miss you too, but I can't just sit around talking to you all day. He doesn't check my texts, but it just wouldn't feel right."

"Did it feel right when you were in my bed? When I was inside of you?"

_Oh, those eyes._ I was melting inside and trying to hold on to some sense of resolve.

"Please?" I begged again. I didn't even know what I was begging for. He reached out and took my hands in his, tickling my palms and writs.

"You're wearing your wedding ring." It was a statement with a hint of a question, and maybe that bit of accusation I thought he didn't have before.

"He wants to go to counseling," I blurted out.

"Oh." He dropped my hands. "And what do you want?"

Fuck. Class would be starting in fifteen minutes and people were trickling into the classroom.

I looked at the equipment and then down at the floor. My shoes weren't untied but I needed to readjust the laces suddenly. Members were walking by us and saying hello to Edward. Someone stopped to check to see if he was going to be around later for some questions. A girl with short shorts and legs that could pull them off, reminded Edward that everyone was from work was heading to the bar later.

"Okay, so class is about to start. Thanks for the help," I smiled awkwardly. I'm sure no one else noticed it, but I saw Edward's eyes turn dark with anger. What was I supposed to do? We were standing in public, and now was not the time to discuss our affair and my marriage and why I had been avoiding him.

I didn't want to…much. I just needed some space to think, and Edward made both space and thinking impossible. Jake hadn't made things much easier either. He had done all I had asked and more. I had finally gotten a call from the school district I had applied to several months ago. Apparently I was not a felon, and my past employers didn't hate me. It wasn't much, but at least I was subbing now. The full days paid better and with the district as large as it was, I could pretty much work every day. The money was shit, but I was working, so I would take it. They never called until that morning, but Jake had been really good about getting up, taking care of the kids, and even making me lunch.

Part of me enjoyed it, the other part—the cynical, jaded, nasty part of me—wanted to throw it in his face. _Now he starts? Now he wants to help out and be part of the family?_ But it's what I wanted, isn't it? Too little, too late. I would not let this change things. Why should it? He had done this all before. Mostly. I couldn't put my finger on it, but something was different this time. Edward was in the picture now, kind of. And that was complicating things. I wanted to be with Edward, but Jake was still my husband, and he was being the husband I wanted him to be.

He was giving me space and not asking anything of me. He wasn't sitting around waiting for me to suggest, or ask, or make lists. _Although, somehow I doubt he was sitting waiting for that._ It was like he simply looked around and actually saw our life for the first time. It wouldn't last though. I almost didn't want it to last. At least before when he was a shit who had given up on everything, I couldn't be expected to live like that for the rest of my life_. Right?_ I deserved happiness and I deserved a partner. No marriage is perfect, but at least before I could have said, that he wasn't in it with me and I might has well have been alone. But now? Now I was a cheater, a big, fat cheater, on a man who loved me. Who didn't want to give up on us; on our family.

This insane back and forth in my head was the reason I came to the gym in the first place. I don't know why I didn't expect to see Edward. Maybe subconsciously I wanted to see him. I know I needed to. Not just to talk to him and try to explain the bullshit storm brewing in my head, but to just be near him, to smell his musk and soap, and see the lines on his stomach. More than that, there was something so soothing about Edward. His words warmed my soul, and his touch lit a fire in my body that burned white hot and culminated in a throbbing ache between my thighs and deep in my belly.

FUCK!

I needed to work out. I needed to get rid of some of this tension. I knew a better way, but this would have to do for now. Thinking about Edward's face when he walked out of the group exercise room helped to quell the burn. Now there was an ache in my belly, but for a different reason. I forced myself to get through the class and decided I would just get the kids and leave. I couldn't have another confrontation with him today. We needed a little space and then we could talk.

I called Jess on my way home. I had been neglecting my friendships while I was busy being wrapped up in myself. We agreed to meet after she got out of work. I finished my mundane list of errands and was thankful the babies cooperated. I felt like I had been neglecting them too. When I got home, Jake didn't disappoint. The kitchen was clean and he even had pulled some chicken out of the freezer. It took everything I had in me to not bitch that it was three in the afternoon, and frozen chicken wouldn't thaw and cook itself. I tried my hardest to remind myself that he just didn't know that it had to come out the night before. He was trying. If I went through with this divorce, he would have to figure this shit out anyway, might as well start now.

"Hey," he called as we rambled into the living room. He wasn't even sitting down.

"Hey." _Don't be a bitch. Don't be a bitch._ "I see you pulled out some chicken. Is that for dinner?"

"Yeah, I don't know what to do with it yet, but I figured I would dig through some cook books."

"Right, well, it's kind of late for that and I was just at the grocery store so I kind of wished you had called me."

"Oh." _Fuck I'm such a bitch._ "Um, I can put it in the fridge for tomorrow. Did you have a plan for tonight?" He looked dejected.

"I was planning on getting together with Jess. I'm just changing and putting Bec down for a nap. I was going to go out and play with Paul for a bit. I didn't think you had plans this evening, but I'm sure Rose can take the kids if you did."

"No, not at all. I mean, I was just going to make dinner and, I didn't know you had plans."

"Well, I kind of just made them; I didn't realize you'd be doing this."

"No, that's cool. I'll be good with the kids tonight. You go out. Can I help you with anything now?"

I knew he was trying hard. I didn't want him to try. I wanted him to be lazy and laying on the couch when I got home. I wanted to be sure I wasn't doing the wrong thing for my family. The more he tried, the more he acquiesced to my needs, the angrier I got. I needed to get the fuck out of here before I flipped the fuck out on him for being a decent husband and father and doing what he should have been doing in the first place.

"Thanks, we're all set." I turned to pick Becca up and tell Paul to go pee before we went out to play.

"I'll put her to bed." He scooped her up, making faces, as she laughed and snuggled into his arms. I knew how much the children loved him. It wasn't enough. I had to just keep reminding myself.

"Oh, hey," he turned back to me and looked pensive as though he was gathering his thoughts, "I called a counselor, a uh, marriage counselor."

The words were out of my mouth before I could realize the condescension in them.

"Did you even check with our insurance to see if they covered it?"

"I did. It's where I got the recommendations." He was contrite in his answer and I left the room before I could cut him down even further.

Out back I pushed Paul on the swings and tried to clean up the yard a bit. I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket and got a little giddy. It could have been anyone, but I was praying it was him.

God must have been listening because it was a text from Edward.

**B- I'm sorry about earlier. I don't know what came over me. Seeing you, not being able to be with you, not talking to you. I love you. Tell me we can talk soon. –E**

**E- I'm out playing w Paul. I'm sorry too. I just didn't know what to say. I miss you. We can, just not sure when. –B**

**B- My bed is cold without you. My arms ache for you. I want to talk to you every minute of every day. I want to hold you tight and never let you go. –E **

My heart was fluttering wildly in my chest, trying to escape via my throat. As if Edward alone didn't give me butterflies, his words were more than I expected. Jake never said things to me like that, not even when we started dating. My phone buzzed again and I shivered.

**B- I'm on my break sweet girl and so thankful that my clients are ugly old ladies. It's the only thing that's keeping my cock down. I keep thinking of your pretty pink pussy and my tongue in it. –E **

Swooning. I was literally swooning, doing my very best not to grab my chest, hug myself, and jump up and down like a teenager. Paul pulled me out of my lust-induced haze by smacking my leg. _Right, kids._ I tucked my phone back in my pocket and ran the boy around some more. I needed him exhausted and I needed some time to think. I hadn't done this whole texting sex thing.

_Sexting? Seriously? I refuse to call it that. I can do this. Deep breath, close my eyes, think of that fucking hot body and those fingers, and that Deep. Hard. Thrust._

**E- Keep talking like that baby. Spread me open, I miss you inside me. –B **

_Okay, so it wasn't as hot as the shit I had read in my stories, but it was a start._

**B- You want me inside you? You want my fingers in that sweet wet pussy too? Fuck, you're so wet already aren't you? I want to push your knees open and slide deep inside you. –E **

**E- When are you done with work? I want to see you. And yes, do all those things, but we need to talk too. –B **

"Mommy, ride bikes?" I checked my watch and saw that Becca would be up soon.

"Maybe Daddy will take you out for a bike ride after dinner." He was pouting and gearing up to throw a temper tantrum that I just didn't have the energy for. I was so mentally drained lately that I was taking my frustrations and sadness out on everyone. We had been out here for nearly two hours. We had been to the grocery store, the bank, the play area at the mall. I was fucking exhausted! How could he keep going? "Paul," I said in a stern voice, "not right now. We've had a long day and it's time to go in and cleanup for dinner."

I was praying that Jake had come up with something. At this point I didn't even care if it was frozen pizza, and I was pretty sure that's exactly what it was going to be. Whatever—chicken nuggets and hot dogs for dinner, the mall and bank for activities, oh, and an affair—I was definitely up for a mother of the year award.

We made it inside tantrum free and Jake was setting up plates with tuna fish sandwiches and peach slices. Well it wasn't a fucking roast, but I hadn't done shit either, so who was I to say anything. At least he had put something together and I didn't have to hold his hand and walk him through it. I was fighting my urge to make some snarky comment about how he did, in fact, have some brains. Part of me was kind of impressed that he had actually thought of this instead of just the usual, and of course, that made me feel like an even bigger jerk. Why couldn't I just be normal and happy? He was a decent guy, maybe not on top of everything, but he tried, pretty hard sometimes too.

I actually shook my head to stop the train of thought. "Are you okay?" I realized I was still in front of him, probably looking pretty stupid.

"Oh, um, nothing... just thought of…nothing. Thanks for making dinner. Are you all set with everything?"

"Yeah, go get ready. Paul, go wash your hands. Sounds like Bec is up." He headed up to go get her.

I seriously wanted to start looking for cameras or something. Was this some fucking lame TV drama? I threaten to leave and suddenly the man isn't incompetent and lazy?

_He cleans, he cooks, he supports his wife: he's fucking super dad! _I could picture the stupid cape and everything. _This is a phase. He's scared and he's just doing what he has to so I won't leave, just like always._ I needed to get the fuck out of the house before he did something else decent that just made me feel like an even shittier person than I already did.

I showered, shaved, and checked my phone again. Edward never disappointed.

**B- We'll talk, promise. Wear a skirt. –E **

I was clenching at just his words. I didn't have a heart or guts, but apparently I still had a vagina. I needed to keep it understated though. I hadn't told Jake where I was going, but I wasn't about to head out looking too whorish and raise suspicions. Although, I doubted Jake would notice if I walked out in my underwear and heels, but best not to tempt fate.

I put on a light blue flouncy, little skirt, and a simply white tank. Some cute sparkly flats and I looked sexy, but casual enough that I could just be going out to dinner. I gave the kids a kiss and told Jake I wasn't sure when I'd be home. I knew he wouldn't question it anyway. It's not that Jake couldn't care for the kids; it's just that he didn't. I blamed Angela for the thoughts that were lingering. We had been talking again on and off. Each time I felt like a leach, sucking her time and energy, forcing her to relive her own affairs and the subsequent good-enough ever after.

Had I done this? Had I crippled my husband and made him lazy? I kept thinking of that line from The Breakup- "I want you to want to do dishes!" And Vince Vaughn responds with, "Why would I _WANT_ to do dishes?" Well, none of us _want_ to do this stuff, but we do. And I apparently, was the expert at doing dishes, and raising the children, and cleaning, and cooking, and laundry, and paying bills, and…well, all of it. So if I could do it all, why would he want to? He wouldn't. But I was pulling back on all of it, so he was doing what needed to be done. Hell, at this point, I didn't care how it was done, just that I wasn't doing it. Whatever _it_ was. And now I was walking out of the house leaving the rest to someone else, who clearly wasn't perfect, but apparently, capable.

Fuck it. I missed him. I missed his smell and his shoulders. I missed his hair and his ass. I missed his sweet nuzzles, and even sweeter words that made me feel like the only bright, glowing star that lit up his dark night. Edward listened to me and anticipated needs in me that I didn't even know existed. He wanted to learn everything about me and I wanted to hear every story he had to tell—even the ones that made me cringe. His words opened my heart to him and made me want to understand everything he did, every thought he had. I didn't want to rescue him. I just wanted to learn about him and I wanted to tell him everything about me. I felt like I could open up, all the way and share things with him that would make Jake look at me like there was something wrong with me.

I still couldn't make the guilt go away, but my need to be with Edward was overriding every sense of self-preservation. He asked me to meet him at the gym, but when I arrived, it was dark. There were no cars around so I pulled around to the back parking lot. Edward's car sat alone under a light. He wasn't in it or leaning against it all sexy and casual. I was getting ready to panic thinking something had happened or that this was some trick. _Let the fucking paranoia set in._

I was nervous to get out of the car and looking around for some hint of him. A block of light streamed out into a dark corner of the parking lot. The unmistakably lithe frame of Edward stood in the doorway and looked around. He waved me over when he spotted my car. I pulled up next to his car and got out, watching him watching me. He gave me a long look that might have been a leer from anyone else, but from him, it was a blush-inducing, panty-wetting gaze. Edward looked around the lot as I approached, as if he were meeting an informant and was checking to see if I had been followed. I copied his action, but felt a little silly.

"Are we having a secret club meeting?" I whispered.

"Sort of. But the initiation is kind of rough," he smirked.

"Good thing I work out. But how are we going to work out with me in a skirt?" The words sounded incredibly stupid as they left my mouth. I wanted to smack my forehead, but I didn't want to get ahead of myself. Maybe he just had some shit to finish up here and then we would leave, but I really, really wanted to do what I was hoping we would do.

He pulled me in and let the heavy door swing shut.

"I missed you so fucking much." He pulled me in to him hard and I expected a kiss just as rough.

My surprise came out as a gasp when his lips barely touched mine. They were soft, pliable, and warm and I had missed his taste more than I realized. My heart ached and my stomach clenched at the exquisite pain of being away from him for so long only to be reunited like this. His lips pressed to my own and pulled back slightly. I kept my eyes closed and waited until he made them warm again. Another kiss, just as light, just as careful as before, only this time his lips opened, making mine follow. We didn't move, we breathed each other in bringing life back to one another. I felt that kiss everywhere in my body, in my soul. I stop, I wanted to cry, I didn't know what I wanted, but this felt perfect.

He barely tipped his face and cupped my jaw, leaning in. His lips stayed parted but his tongue never touched mine. Breathe in. Flesh. Breathe out. Warmth. He tilted my head with his fingertips. I was already willing and would have followed him into hell. His mouth moved down kissing just my bottom lip, my chin, my throat, the hollow at the base. I felt his tongue, slide out.

"Perfect," he murmured into my skin. "I love how you taste." Every movement was perfect and we hadn't even left the doorway. "Come with me." His voice was low and reverent as if we were in a temple, not the back office of a gym.

He took my hands and though I was loath to open my eyes, I had no clue where I was going. I could have drifted into sweet dreams while he made love to my lips and throat. Only the promise of more to come could have moved me from that spot. As he led me into the main part, the lights were mostly off. Only a few near the front counter were lit and emergency lights lit the stair way leading up to the where the cardio equipment was. Although intrigued, I was becoming thoroughly confused. I was starting to think that maybe I was wrong. I figured if we were going to have sex here he would have set up blankets or at least mats in the studio, maybe turned on the soft yoga lights, and set up the stereo with something ethereal to make love to. But he was definitely leading me up to the cardio machines.

My confusion must have been clear on my face.

"Trust me."

He could always read my thoughts.

He walked up to a treadmill and guided me up, turning me around so I was backwards on the machine. I wanted to trust him so badly, so I kept quiet. Edward stepped back and took off his shirt. His basketball shorts hung low on his hips but there were no boxers peeking out. Just glorious smooth skin, with those lines just inside his hip bones—the pretty V detailing where I wanted to touch most. He stepped back up to me and spread my feet apart with his own.

"Hold onto the bars." He placed my hands on the railings to the treadmill. "Now, I need you to use those strong arms we've worked so hard on and hold yourself up." He tapped the bars again and placed his right hand behind my left knee. "Hop up."

I paused momentarily while his hand slid up my leg under my skirt. "Good thing I checked. I didn't think I had to specify no panties, but you'll know better for next time." He grabbed the band at my waist and slid them down my legs. "Step," he commanded.

I did as I was told. Once again, he placed his hand behind my knee. I supported my upper body on the parallel bars while he hitched each leg over the bar closest. Propped up with my arms, and spread open before him, I was helpless. He got down on his knees in front of me and placed my flouncy blue skirt over his head.

The second his wet tongue touched my heat I moaned out. Fuck the studio. Fuck yoga lights and Enya. Fuck lying down. He worked my pussy the way he had kissed me earlier, soft, slow, like he was making love to it. I couldn't close my legs and he wouldn't touch where I wanted him to most. I was using my legs to pump my body up and down on his face.

"Fuck, Edward, more." He pulled away and I almost wanted to scream at him and only his next words stopped me.

"Don't you like it when I lick your pussy? It's so wet for me and I love the taste."

"Yes, yes," I panted out.

"Tell me. Tell me what you like," he prompted.

"I like it when you lick my pussy. I love being spread open for you!"

"Oh yes, baby, my very own feast. But you want more. I want to love every part of you, but right now you want me to fuck that pussy, don't you?"

"No! I mean, fuck! Yes! Fuck, don't stop! Please lick it, suck on my clit, please baby, please." I did not give a fuck if I was begging. It was too fucking good for him to stop.

He dove back in with fervor, swirling his tongue all over, I felt him everywhere. His fingers didn't need to search my folds, I was already stretched wide. He didn't start slow like before, he pushed two fingers deep inside, quickly adding a third. He moved back down between my legs to lap at my clit while his fingers filled my body. He stopped pumping them in and out and held them still while he brought me to climax. My body worked hard to tighten to around him, bringing me even higher. My arms were aching, my legs were sore, I was shaking and rocking and moaning while he pushed deeper inside of me, flicking his tongue like crazy over my clit.

I began to mewl and whimper.

"Baby, I love those fucking noises. I can't wait to be inside you. Deep in this hot, little snatch." He reached up and rubbed me inside, pulling back to watch me. "Push out baby. Fucking push out now."

I did. And it was fan-fucking-tastic.

Edward held my ass and helped me get my legs off the bar. "Easy baby, watch where you put your feet down. Let me carry you." The treadmill was fucking soaked. If I wasn't still so high, I might have been embarrassed. I hadn't even figured out how to do it myself, and Edward made me squirt. All over a fucking public treadmill.

* * *

**A/N So just remember kiddies, clean your gym equipment BEFORE and after you use it. You never know.**


	18. Chapter 18

A/N- Thank you to all who are sticking with me and haven't flounced yet. If you enjoy my work, please let me know with a review. They honestly mean the world to me. It's how I know you like what I'm doing.

A little quick brag though, I also know that some of you must like my work because I have been nominated for **Newbie Author** for **The** **Emerging Swan Awards **(**emergingswanawards (dot) blogspot (dot) com/**). Several of my one shots have also been nominated in various categories. Please check it out, there are some other very talented, very under rated authors and stories also nommed that deserve a lot more love.

Disclaimer- Not mine, Thanks SM.

* * *

Edward helped me clean up and we made out for a bit longer. I wasn't sure who was avoiding what, but I knew we'd have to talk eventually. I hadn't really gotten anywhere with even starting the divorce proceedings. To be honest, I hadn't done any more than looking up "Divorce in Washington" on Google. Jake and I still had this counseling thing coming up. I had no idea how I was going to do that, or how I was going to tell Edward. I knew he wouldn't ever say anything against it, but it would hurt him all the same. I didn't want to tell him about counseling and I didn't want to tell Jake about Edward. All these secrets were going to make me explode.

I hadn't even talked to Jess about it. I was starting to think that if I just never talked about it with anyone; I could just carry on like nothing was wrong. Maybe I could just medicate myself into oblivion and continue to have fabulous sex and a father at home for my children. Why wasn't Jake willing to try an open relationship? I was sure plenty of couples did it. It had to be better than sneaking around and having an affair. And why was no one else willing to try out my five year plan? Marriage was a contract, after all, and who in the world would agree to a lifetime contract! I mean, except for those in slavery, though, I'm pretty sure that wasn't legal or by choice.

"Edward, I have to go," I said in between kisses.

"I know, but I want you to stay."

I swallowed hard. "Me too, but I just can't. You know that." I didn't want to have to do this again. I hated the distance this was creating, but for God's Sake! I was a married woman still. For now…I think.

"So have you talked to anyone? I have a great guy I know."

I pulled back looking at Edward in confusion, "for what?"

He looked at me like I was the one talking in code, and then he smirked. _Oh, that smirk! _"A lawyer. I believe you have to be legally separated first for some time. Have you looked into apartments since you've started working? I know you want to do this on your own, but maybe you and the kids could just stay with me while you saved up and found a place."

He was an eager little boy planning out our future. "Edward," I whispered, "I, I…haven't. I'm not sure what I'm doing right now."

"I don't understand. I mean, I know I'm pushing, but, but I…." He moved away from me on the couch in the little lounge area. He tried to hide it, but his face showed his anger and maybe disgust. I deserved it. I was disgusted with myself too.

My breath came faster, shallower. Please God, don't let me have a panic attack now. I put my head down to hide my shame. "He wants to go to counseling." I paused. I stalled. I didn't know how to go on. "I agreed to go." I pushed the last words out before the sob burst out. I couldn't stop it. The hurricane hit before I could board up the windows. I didn't stand a chance against the raging storm.

"Oh." His minimal response was worse than anything.

He scrubbed at his face and pushed the heels of his hands into his eyes. He actually looked like he was trying to hurt himself with the force he was using. I lifted my hands to his arms to pull them away. I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was still deeply hurt when he jerked his arm away from me. Edward stood up then and turned his back to me. My sobs were silent, but the torrent didn't stop. I placed my hands back on my lap and shook.

With his back still to me, he spoke. "I don't get you Isabella." My full name. "I knew this was wrong, to get involved with you. And you knew this was wrong too, but you were leaving him. FUCK! Do you think I'm this kind of person!" It wasn't a question. "Do you think I go around fucking anyone, especially someone with a ring on her finger and not one, but two fucking little kids? Are you serious? Poor Bella," he sneered, "Woe is me. I have a home and a family but I'm still not happy. Think I'll drag someone else into this little mess I've made and lead him on while I figure it out." He continued to mock me and I couldn't even speak up to defend myself because I knew he was right. "You should go."

I stood up and took a step forward. I was desperate to touch him. I wanted to console him, but more than that, I wanted him to comfort me. Fuck! I was a selfish, worthless bitch who didn't deserve anyone. I walked to the door and undid the little latch. I paused, silently begging him to look at me. To tell me he was sorry, that he didn't mean to snap like that, but he didn't. When I got outside, I heard the lock click back into place and I forced myself to keep walking. Was he still at the door? Was he hoping I'd be the one to turn around now? I should have kept going. Turning back, there was no one looking out at me. He had locked the door and walked away.

I made my way around the building and actually began to hope that a mugger was there with a gun to just take me away from my self-induced misery. Unfortunately, I made it to my car without incident. Edward's car was still sitting there, but there was no sign of him. All the lights were off in the building and I imagined he was just waiting for me to go. Despite his nasty words, I had the sense that he was watching me from somewhere inside to make sure I got to my car okay. I was an awful, horrible person who was destroying my family and another individual because I was too selfish, or stupid, or scared, perhaps, to make up my damn mind. I wanted to get angry at Edward. I wanted to shout back at him that he went into this with his eyes wide open and knew damn well what he was getting in to! But none of that mattered now. It didn't matter who hurt who, or what expectations were out there, it never should have happened. I should have said no from the start and stuck with it.

I wanted to sit in my car and cry but I needed to get out of there for myself and for Edward. I drove away in a blurry haze. My mind was numb and I drove on autopilot. When I looked up to see my apartment I was honestly disappointed. I had hoped I would have driven somewhere that would offer me solace. Deep down though, I knew I didn't deserve it.

I pulled out my cell phone to see if Edward had called or sent me a text. I tried not to get my hopes up when I saw that there were two missed calls and a text, but my heart didn't listen to my head. It soared and then sunk even lower into my belly when I saw that it was Jess. On top of being an awful person, mother, wife, lover, I could now add friend to the list. I knew we had plans tonight, but I forgot all about them as soon as I heard from Edward.

I quickly sent a text to Jess to apologize, tell her I was a jerk, and let her know that we had to talk; just not right now. She responded right away letting me know that it was okay and to contact her when I was ready. No matter what, I could always count on Jess.

I slunk into my place as quietly as possible. I heard the television on in the living room, but no children were awake at least. Small favors. Now if Jake could just be asleep, I could at least sneak into the dark bedroom without having to answer any questions. But I had no luck on my side tonight. Apparently, even God hated me.

"Hey," Jake looked up from his regular spot on the couch.

"Hey. Kids asleep?" I asked, setting my bag down in the hallway.

"Yeah, Becca went down easy, but I let Paul stay up for a bit. He's getting really good with his puzzles, huh?"

My heart contracted at the thought of the effort he really was putting into this. On previous nights out, I had come home to Jake sleeping or drinking, the kids up and exhausted, and a slew of video games and junk food. But puzzles? He had done puzzles with him.

"Uh, yeah."

"And his colors too," he smiled in amazement. "I've been thinking about preschools for him. I looked up a few places that I thought would be good and not too expensive."

_Where the fuck is this coming from?_

"Right. Um, that's great," I could barely hang on to the bit of sanity I had left for the night and he had been looking at preschools? "I'm sorry. Can we talk about this tomorrow? I'm exhausted."

"Sure. You do look tired. Real quick, I know you've been working…a lot. I just want you to know I'm looking too. And, well, in the meantime, I need to do more work around the house, not just take care of the kids while I'm home."

I couldn't do anything but nod dumbly at his words.

"So, you should sleep in tomorrow, and I'm going to take the kids out of the house so it's quiet, okay?"

My mouth opened, but no words came out. _No more crying, no more crying._ I finally found my voice hidden behind a lump in my throat, "Thank you. I appreciate it." I bit my lip to shut myself up before I could say anything stupid. "I'm heading to bed then. Goodnight."

He nodded in what appeared to be defeat. I knew he was trying, but now was not a good time for me to hug and kiss him in appreciation. I couldn't wait to be alone. I went into my bedroom praying I could just fall asleep quickly. I knew it wasn't going to happen though, as my punishment couldn't possibly be over yet. I lay in bed staring at my phone. I thought of the first time I met Edward, the way I willed him to look at me. It was the same now. If I stared at it long enough and thought of him hard enough, maybe he would text me to say that he was sorry about what he had and said and that he didn't mean it. But nothing ever came.

I woke up at some point in the night to feel a hand sliding across my belly. Despite my limited consciousness, I knew what was happening. My stomach began knotting up and I went limp pretending to still be asleep. I felt Jake pull me closer to him. I thought that if I didn't react, he might give up. But as I had said before, I knew my punishment wasn't over yet—now I would have a chance to make someone else feel like shit before my night was over. My body went limp and for some insane reason, Jake took that as his green light to try and explore my body. Now I was awake, uncomfortable, and feeling guilty that my husband's touch repulsed me.

As his hand maneuvered under my shirt, I couldn't stand it any longer. I swatted at his hand and shifted away from him slightly. I had no idea if he thought I was awake or asleep, but he kept trying to touch me. I didn't want to have this fight now—ever, in fact—but I had to do something. We hadn't had sex in I don't even remember how long. My sleep-fogged brain tried to think of the last time we were together. God, even that was awful. I think I stopped him half way through. I was by no means into it and he didn't even try to warm me up, although, I don't think I would have let it get as far as actual penetration if he had. I probably would have stopped him long before he got his dick near me. I remembered being face down, wanting to bury my head under the pillows I was somewhere else or with someone else. But it was useless, and the sex was terrible. I couldn't even pretend to be into it and the saddest part was that he didn't even notice. Jake just kept going, grunting and shoving. I was NOT about to endure that again.

I pushed his hand away again but he was either drunk or very determined. Jake moved up behind me and curled his body against mine. My stomach was a mess. "Baby, I want you," he whispered into my neck. There was nothing sexy about it. I could smell the beer and the thought of anyone but Edward touching me right now felt horrible. _Why does this feel like I'd be cheating on Edward?_

"Jake, stop." I moved again.

"Bel-la, come on. I really want to. We haven't done it in so long," he whined out. I had specifically worn pajama pants and a tee shirt to avoid this. I knew it would happen at some point. I wanted to just let him and get it over with, but I didn't think I could live with that either.

"Jake, I'm sleeping. I'm exhausted. Can we not do this now please?" I meant all of it—the sex, the arguing, this marriage bullshit.

"What the fuck Bella?" _And so it begins…_ "We haven't had sex in forever and I've been doing everything I can around here to change and to make you happy!"

_Oh my God. Seriously?_

"Jake," I sighed, fully awake and annoyed, "I'm sorry. I get that. Can we please not do this now? I just can't."

"So what? You get to decide when we discuss this? You get to decide everything in this relationship?"

My patience was thin and I didn't want to take it out on Jake, but it was happening. I felt like I was being backed into a corner and—I dug out my phone from under a pillow—three thirty in the morning was not the time to be doing this.

"Your fucking phone? Now? Who the fuck are you talking to?"

"What?" I blinked hard and shook my head. Part of me was so stunned and probably guilty, that he even mentioned someone else, I heard myself stuttering over my words, my conviction failing, "no, no one. I was seeing what fucking time it was." I grabbed said phone and a pillow. "Jake, I'm not doing this right now."

I got up and thought about sleeping on the couch. I probably should have, but instead I went up to Paul's room. I wanted to snuggle my baby. I wanted it to make me feel better, but I knew it wouldn't really help.

Jake didn't say anything else as I got up. I figured it was his problem now. As I lay next to my baby boy I couldn't help but think of Edward. I wondered what he was doing. Was he awake too? Was he thinking of me? I couldn't help myself.

**E- Are you awake? I hope you're getting some sleep. At least then one of us will. –B**

I closed my eyes and waited for sleep to take me again, but my mind was racing with thoughts of apartments and money and questions I would have to answer eventually. I thought about what I was doing to my family, to Edward, to myself. I was in that twilight stage where I knew I was falling asleep when my phone beeped.

**B- You know I'm awake. –E**

**E- I'm so sorry. I don't know what to do. Please don't hate me. –B**

**B- I wish I could. At least then I might be able to get some sleep. I don't want to be away from you but I can't keep doing this. I know I told you I would be patient, but this is killing me. –E**

**E- Me too. I'm in my son's room right now. He wanted to, you know, but I couldn't. I just couldn't do it. I didn't even get close. You're all I can think of. –B**

**B- You know where I stand. Please, don't make this harder on either of us. You know how to find me when you're ready. –E**

**E- It's not that easy! I told him I wanted a divorce, but I owe it to my children, to us, to get some closure or understanding so this can be as amicable as possible. –B**

**B- Whatever you need to tell yourself. You can't even tell me you love me. Until you've made a firm, in writing decision, please don't come to my work. I can't be your side project. Good night Bella and I still do love you. –E**

I wanted to keep fighting with him, for him, for us, but I needed to keep some dignity in all this disaster. After all, I still had children who needed some semblance of a mother. This was not all about me as much as I wanted it to be. Edward was right. I had some serious decisions to make and I couldn't keep stringing everyone along like this. I crept down the hall and exhaled the deep breath I had been holding; the house was dark and silent. Jake had even shut the television off which meant he was really sleeping, or passed out as the case may be. I dug into my bag for my cigarettes and tranquilizers. There was no way I was going into work tomorrow, _today_, I thought as I looked at the clock on the stove.

I popped the pill and unclicked the latch, stepping out onto the porch. The effects of the drug drifted through my bloodstream as I smoked and finally let my body feel relaxed. I stubbed out the cigarette and grabbed another pill. I really wanted to fucking sleep. I grabbed some blankets from the closet and made myself a bed on the playroom floor. I hoped Jake kept his word and took the kids out for the morning, I really need some space. _Or a slap upside the head._

* * *

We sat in separate chairs in a simple, but stylish looking waiting room. I was positive the setup of the room was intentional. There was one three person couch, one couple-sized loved seat, and then single chairs, some with arms, some without. Since this place only did family and couples counseling I felt like it was some sort of test that would give the therapist some automatic insight into our relationship based on the seats we chose. Even a layman would be able to read my body language though. My arms were folded across my chest, my legs were crossed away from Jake, and I had a look on my face that said I'd rather be having a gyno exam than sitting in this waiting room.

The lives of celebrities held no interest to me, though Jake had taken apparently taken up wood working, or some such craft magazine. I found myself focusing on the architecture of the building, an old mill apparently, and it made me think of Edward's home. I loved his home. It was cozy and warm and filled with his soft masculinity. There was plenty of space for me and the kids, though. He would take them in readily too. It would kill Jake. Would he make things harder for me? Would he fight me out of spite?

A door opened and tall, thin woman stepped out. She adjusted her sweater and smiled genuinely. "Jacob, Isabella? Come on in."

Was I really going to do this? Was I going to leave my husband, start over again, and take my children away from their father? I sure as fuck couldn't keep doing this anymore. I had to tell Jake. I had to tell him this was over. It wasn't enough anymore. I knew he was trying but I wasn't in love with him anymore. People change, things change. I wasn't happy, Jake wasn't happy, Edward wasn't happy. And if we kept going like this, my children would suffer too. I had to make a change. I had to step the fuck up and do the right thing.


	19. Chapter 19

**So as some of you may know, I have finally gotten a chance to reply to reviews. Um, not all of them, but I promise I'm trying to tell you all how very much I appreciate your every thought and word that go into those reviews. Anyway, that's when I realized that it had been well over a month since I updated. I am SOOOOOO SORRY!**

**Also, I realize that some of you understand Edward and some of you are very unhappy with him. He's hurting too, and he misses you all.**

**Thank you for all the nominations my stories have received. Even though I haven't won… well, you know, honored, tears, truly thrilled, and all that. But honestly, it's been amazing so far. Hope I never disappoint you all. Come play with me on Twitter saphire_burst**

**Xo,**

**E's**

**ps. you know I don't have a beta so go easy on me**

* * *

**Three months. **

It had been three months since we started counseling. Three months since I spoke to or saw Edward. I knew he didn't want to talk to me, but I couldn't help texting him occasionally. It was stupid and useless, and mostly selfish. I wanted him to still think of me even if he wouldn't talk to me. I told him we were in counseling. I told him nothing was changing much. I told him about how our therapist understood what I was going through and said I wasn't alone. I told him how I hadn't told Jake about him, but I had told the therapist. I was afraid to ask about him though. I was afraid he would tell me he had found someone else and was happy. The only solace I took was that he never texted back. At least then he wasn't saying to stop, to leave him alone. Maybe he had changed his number, but I refused to think like that.

I tried hard to focus on my marriage despite the fact that I didn't want to be in it. Jake had really lived up to his word. He began helping with the house and the kids more. I did my best not to complain about it. I began working more. The more substitute positions you take, the more they call you. I wasn't even waiting for the phone call anymore. At this point I was just getting up and getting ready to go. The kids were doing well with me away at work. It hurt and felt good at the same time. I actually loved working despite the stress sometimes. Jake began to pick up more hours at a garage he had been going to. They didn't need a full time mechanic, but the side work helped with our finances some. We were actually fighting much less, though I attributed that to the fact that we weren't around each other. He would often wait for me to come home before he would head out to work so we didn't have to spend much on a babysitter. Rose helped out when she could.

It had only been three months and it seemed like so much had changed. Emmett had moved in with Rose and the kids. She was so much happier and although I longed for that too, I had resigned myself to staying put. I couldn't afford it and my babies needed their father. Besides, Jake really was trying and we can't all be happy all the time. Liz had said that I have to make a decision, to stay in my marriage and make it work, or to leave and hope for the best. Since Edward hadn't reached out to me, I figured I would give someone a chance at happiness and let him find his, even if it wasn't with me. Besides, it seemed like the one unselfish I thing I could do for him. He deserved to be in a normal, happy relationship without baggage. I reasoned that if he really were that miserable, he would have made some attempt to talk to me.

Jess was finally pregnant, so I hadn't seen her very much and that helped to quell the cheating bug as well. With no one encouraging me, it began to feel less freeing and more like a dirty, dirty secret. Some days I could barely fake my way through so I tried to just keep busy so no one would notice. I wanted Jake to be completely mindless and "guy-like" but even he couldn't help but notice my sadness sometimes. I was so thankful to be busy—it kept some of the emo away. I don't know if Jake was actually listening when Liz told him that I needed space, but he was giving it to me. It wasn't even passive-aggressive, which was both good and bad. I wanted it. I needed it. Yet at the same time, the more he accommodated me, the more I wished he wouldn't. Even Rose had noticed the changes in him. While she wasn't Jake's biggest champion, she continued to remind me how good I had it. Here was this man, the father of my children, my husband, who loved me so much, he was willing to do anything to save our marriage, to keep us together.

It made hating him harder and harder. So when he finally did ask for sex, I gave in. It wasn't terrible, he was actually trying. Despite the fact that my body was naked, my mind was not. I couldn't bring myself to think of Edward though. Jake definitely would have noticed crying during sex even if he couldn't recognize faking an orgasm. I had shut my eyes and let him go down on me—something I rarely allowed. I had always told Jake it was because I wasn't into it, but it was mostly because he was awful at it. Really, truly awful. He poked and jabbed and did things that made me cringe and kind of hurt, actually. So when he tried, I just to shut my eyes and hoped it would be over soon. He must have done some research, or at least picked up a magazine, because this time, it wasn't just good, I found myself moving my hips and grinding my pelvis for more. I didn't want to come but I found that I couldn't help myself. I was arching and crying out and when it was done I silently thanked God that I hadn't been thinking of Edward or I might have called out for him.

If he had left things there I might have tried harder. It was nearly perfect. From the outside at least. But perfection is pipe dream.

**Six Months. **

How could it have been six months? My life was no further along, neither was my heart. The longer this went on, the deeper my conviction to my unhappiness remained. Jake and I had stopped seeing the couple's counselor. It caused more problems than it solved. Every week he thought things were getting better. Every week I went in there with the same complaints and, according to Jake, something new each time. All therapy was doing was giving me a space to voice my complaints—whiney, pathetic, over-the-top complaints. He was a good man, he was trying. He was doing everything he could. Mostly. Jake was working regularly and so was I. Our jobs were still lower paying than we really needed and we had no health insurance, but we were working. We found a lovely college student who worked for peanuts and was great with the kids; we couldn't ask for more. So why was I so unhappy? The answer was obvious; because I hadn't seen or spoken to Edward. Each morning I convinced myself that on that day I would be over him. Each day I failed.

I had to give it to Jake though; he was putting up with my misery like a trooper. He rarely called me out on my nasty behavior anymore, which was in a sense, a very dangerous thing. The less he said, the worse I seemed to get. I was to the point where I was walking all over him. Without him fighting back I just kept seeing him as weaker and weaker.

Work was the one place I felt comfortable. I was around other women who seemed to understand how I felt. I didn't tell them about Edward of course, but lunch time was a great place to commiserate over whose husband didn't do whatever. I missed Rosalie and Jess, but they both seemed pretty busy themselves. Besides, with Rose's happiness, I didn't have anyone to bitch to. On the few occasions I had tried she reminded me of my commitment to marriage, the vows I had made, and the fact that Jake was nothing like Royce. As if her unhappiness were somehow justified. I had to take a step back from her, even though I adored my big sister, I didn't need her righteousness; I needed her shoulder. I needed company.

Jess had been pretty much useless since getting pregnant. She was so tired all the time and clearly couldn't spend the evening drinking with me. At one point, I had even considered calling my brother's wife, Alice. She was always up for a good time when it came to drinking, but her moral high ground was a little more than I felt like dealing with most nights when I wanted wallow in self-pity.

I had been keeping it together for the most part but found myself taking a few extra Klonopin just to get through the day. My doctor was an angel in a white coat. One day I was at the office to discuss an increase in my antidepressant. She asked all the usual questions,

"Do you feel sad and/or low most days out of the week?"

"Do you feel guilty or worthless?"

"Are you eating or sleeping more or less recently?"

Yes. No. Maybe.

Fuck. It occurred to me that I probably wasn't depressed, I just hated my life.

Dr. Gerandy agreed with me. I wasn't depressed, I was just really, really unhappy. I left her office with a new script for my anti-kill everyone pills and a new plan. I was going to cut this bullshit out and stop crying about everything. I was going to get my life on track and make myself happy. I was going to stop wallowing and get Edward out of my head. No more texting him, no more driving past the gym to see if he was at work, or looking obsessively to see if he had updated his Facebook page with pictures of a new girlfriend. It was over and I had responsibilities like my children and myself. I walked out of the office with a newfound determination and for once, a smile on my face. I felt like I could breathe. This was going to work. We would be happy.

I was thrilled with the prospect of a new, happy life. I wouldn't be a statistic with an affair and a divorce under my belt. With those thoughts in mind, I have no idea what possessed me to send Edward a message to tell him of my great new lease on life.

**E- I'm still thinking of you. I miss you so much. –B**

WHAT? What the fuck did I just type? I hit delete before my stupid heart could hit send. I sat in the parking lot of the doctor's office ready to have a panic attack. NO! This wasn't the plan! I was done with Edward, I was moving on. I knew I should have called Jake and told him that I was good. He was going to get his wife back. I was going to try hard and make it work and tell him what a good man he was. Fake it till you make it, right?

**E- I hope things are going well with you. This is the last text I'll send. I want to thank you for the time we had together, and I want to apologize for any hurt I've caused. I still think of you fondly, and wish you happiness. –B**

That was okay, right? What was I doing? This was not the way to begin my happy new life. I deleted the message, and then I went into my contacts and deleted his information. I logged into my email account and deleted him there too. This had to be it. It was done. I wanted to burst into tears but decided that it wouldn't change anything or do any good. I made myself take a deep breath and threw my phone into my bag. I just wanted to move on. I grabbed my phone again and called Jess. She finally answered and I made plans to go see her that evening.

Jess answered the door wearing a tight t shirt and yoga pants. I wanted to hug her since it had been so long, but my hands were immediately drawn to her belly. She was my best friend, it was allowed. Her hips had widened in preparation and the little life inside her must have been snuggled in deep. She was showing, but not nearly as much as I had with Paul. I put one arm around her shoulder and flattened my other hand against her abdomen.

"It's hard!" I forgot how it felt. I touched my own belly and thought of when I got pregnant with Paul. It wasn't a _surprise _exactly, but I don't think Jake was as ready as I was to have a baby. I showed so early with him, people assumed I was either much further along, or that I was carrying twins.

After telling my beautiful best friend how very lovely she was with her new body we moved to the living room. I handed her several bags filled with various pregnancy goodies and apologized for not seeing her sooner.

"Jessica, we live not ten minutes from each other and this is only the third time I've seen you!" After she thanked me several times over, she snuggled back under her blanket on the couch. "Still really tired?"

"I've been working a lot," she shrugged with one shoulder and tilt of her head. "This work shit blows, but at least it gets me out of bed. I was just so glad it was you. I thought Li was back or something." She shook her head and rolled her eyes.

"Jess? What's up?" We didn't keep things from each other. It had just been so long since we had gotten together. I felt like I was missing a huge chunk of my friend's life. I had probably missed a whole lot of shit while I was drowning in my own.

"We're separated. It's fine."

"Jess, I swear to God if you shrug one more time, pregnant or not, I'm going to slap you!"

"What? Really, it's nothing. Things have been rough for a while and I've had it. Do you think it's just the hormones?"

She was so calm and here was my crazy ass getting worked up over every little thing. I kicked back on the couch and got comfortable. This felt like it was going to be a lot longer than a little chat.

"I guess it's kind of like getting a haircut when you're pregnant and having a bad hair day. You should probably just wait. So, are you getting a divorce, just a trial separation? Where is he living?" She was six months pregnant and had just kicked her husband out. She seemed very relaxed about all of this. She was having a baby for God's sake. Things get tough. Marriage is hard. Fuck. I should have listened to my own ass ages ago.

Jess continued on about how she was just tired of everything. Liam wasn't working very hard and she had been footing the bills for a while using credit cards. She told me how thrilled he was about the pregnancy but that he just wasn't stepping up the way she needed him to. Hell, she even got away with telling him that they couldn't have sex while she was pregnant because he could hurt the baby! I just couldn't understand how she could just walk away from him. What about support—emotional and financial? I didn't have the guts to walk away from my marriage. Instead I was a coward who had snuck behind my husband's back to make myself happy. And here was Jessica, the girl who had been so unhappy for so long in other esteem crushing relationships, taking a stand and finding her happiness, even though it was hard and scary.

"I just wish he was more like my father," she sighed. "My father was always such a hard worker. He did whatever the family needed him to do, you know? It wasn't just about money though."

I practically snorted, "I know. There's a whole different work ethic now it seems."

"Exactly!" Jess pointed at me, "And it's like he's always thinking of these ways to get more money through these schemes or whatever, and I'm thinking, just fucking work! Anyway, we need insurance. The copays on this pregnancy are crazy, and we need a more stable income."

I tried to interject. I liked Liam. He was a good guy and I know he loved her. He was a little too close to his family, and maybe too much of a mama's boy, but I'm sure he meant well, and he loved children.

"My father would have worked at a gas station or McDonalds if he had to so that my mother wasn't expected to be the bread winner and the wife and the mother. I do everything else around here! Can't he just bring home a regular paycheck? That wasn't supposed to be my job, you know? I don't want to be responsible for supporting our family." I just nodded my agreement. I knew exactly what she meant. It wasn't that we were gold diggers—hell, I just wanted to pay the bills! And Jess and I sure weren't afraid of hard work, we just wanted…more.

"I know Jess." I scooted closer to her and rested my hands on her belly. "Remember before marriage and babies and careers? Remember when I used to write your papers or do your homework while you made all the phone calls and then you'd drag me out to some lame party? Oh," I giggled excitedly, "and we'd walk through all the losers and judge all the idiot boys swearing we'd never end up with guys like that? And then we'd go get high?"

"No more of that baby, don't worry," Jess whispered.

"Jess, I get what you're saying, I do, but imagine if your mom was here. She'd probably complain that your father worked too much and he was never home. Fuck," I sighed, "we're never going to be happy, are we?"

"Probably not. So I should think on this then?"

"I don't know. I can't tell you what to do. It's going to be hard no matter what. You're still early on in your marriage and it is hard. Fuck! Marriage is work. Kids are work. Together, it can be awful sometimes. But really, it's so amazing and wonderful." I rubbed my hands over my face and hunched over. "Just, don't do anything too rash either."

"B, I just don't want to wake up five years from now with nothing any different than before, and realize I just wasted five years of my life unhappy, when I knew I was unhappy five years before."

"We are so pathetic!" We were at least able to laugh at our own misery. We moved on to reminiscing which is what Jess and I did best. I think we were probably whiny bitches then too, but in our memories it didn't seem so bad. We giggled and laughed and promised that we would see each other more often. I told her that Liam at least needed to be at the hospital for the birth of his first child even if they didn't officially get back together.

There was so much to think of. Why could I see everyone else's life so clearly and hand out the advice like cookies, but it when it came to mine, I didn't have a clue?

I felt a little guilty that I was glad to find out Jake had gone to bed. I tried to convince myself that I was only happy because he wasn't drinking so much and he was being more responsible. Truthfully though, I knew it was because I didn't have to have sex. We had been intimate more often but still not enough to fully satisfy Jake. He wasn't the only one. I became more open to being with him when I thought he might continue to be more adventurous and try to please me. I longed for Edward and began to question if I actually was a sexual being or if I had just exaggerating his prowess in my head.

The following day was Friday and I was so very happy to have plans that night. Six months of good-enough Jake and an increasingly defiant and tantruming toddler with an aversion to sleep made a night out even sweeter. Karaoke wasn't really my thing but I could endure the wailing of others as they sang bad versions of Madonna if it meant drinking out of the house. The girls at work loved this silly little place and I really loved hanging out with some of them.

One of the ladies reminded me of Angela. She was so easy to talk to and I found myself spilling my guts after four drinks. The two of us sat in the corner whispering while some of our coworkers eagerly awaited their turns at the mic. Charlotte confided that she too had had an affair and gone one to be very happy with her life and her husband.

"Bella, most of them are pretty wonderful. Sometimes we just can't get past the stupid. But make no mistake," she pointed at me, "they are all some kind of stupid. Sex stupid, money stupid, social stupid, but stupid nonetheless. The trick is to find one whose idiocy doesn't bother you so much. Turns out, Sam was lousy in bed but great everywhere else. So I found someone who filled the sex void and voila! We were good again." She had a big smile on her face and though I was thankful she was so open with me, I wasn't sure I wanted to think of Char naked.

I understood where she was coming from but I couldn't imagine just having sex with Edward without everything else, and I couldn't even think of having sex with anyone else. I did it with Jacob because he was my husband. I kind of had to at least once in a while lest I deal with a total bastard of a man all the time! We talked about her sexual discovery and mine as well. She, however, needed more than one man to figure out what she liked. I told her how much I loved Edward and how even after all this time without a word from him, I would probably still run to his arms if they were open for me.

"I never told him though. I think he must have known, but I just couldn't say the words. I was too scared of what it meant. I knew he did because he told me, but if I told him…I don't know." I folded my hands on my lap and looked down, totally unprepared for what I was going to say next. "It would have meant something permanent had shifted and I wouldn't have had the safety of my marriage to run back to in case…." The words died in my throat. I had finally said it out loud.

Now that I had admitted the truth, there was a burning in my gut, an ache that began to vibrate and bounce. The energy was making me shake and I needed to run. If I didn't scream until I was hoarse at the sickness of the truth I was going to explode.

"Char, I'll be right back."

I left my seat, determined to do something. I wasn't even sure what it was going to be when I got up. Something big. Something very unlike me. I wanted to call Edward. No, that would be very me-like. I started breathing faster, harder. My heart was pounding. Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck. Not here. I was having a panic attack and I couldn't do it here. I scanned the book of songs and artists. Ani, they had Ani in their karaoke repertoire! I just needed to get this thing out of me. My hands were shaking so bad I could barely write the information on the scrap of paper. As I handed it to the guy in the DJ booth I realized my skin was crawling and I needed to calm the fuck down if I was really going to do this.

"How long?" I yelled over the din of the club. The man held up both hands and I knew there was no way I'd last another ten minutes with this much adrenaline coursing through me. I dug in my bag for my cigarettes. Long. Slow. Breaths.

I lifted my head triumphant with my find of death sticks when I nearly choked on my own tongue. Sitting at a booth near the bar was Edward and a brunette. A pretty, young, female brunette. My heart went from pounding wildly and attempting to climb out of my throat, to do dead still. Dead. I must be dead. I wished I was as I watched the back of his fingers stroke her cheek, then move to her throat. She tipped her head back and laughed a genuine we-are-so-happy-and-in-love laugh and I had to get out of there before I crumpled to the floor.


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N I won't waste your time with apologies. You know how it goes- you find a fic you like, the author updates regularly, and then BOOM! You never hear from her again. I'm trying not to be that person. Promise. **

**So you know I'm not the originator of these characters, but the story is mine. Um, kinda close to home, mine. **

**The song lyrics are by Maroon 5 "Won't Go Home Without You." Other inspirational songs for this chapter were Pink "Rock Star," Katy Perry's "Firework," and Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova "Leave."**

**The last one is particularly beautiful. Thanks to ChloeCougar who pre read a little for me and informed that it wasn't too "whiney" "self-indulgent" or "pathetic." Here's hoping. **

**Please leave me some love if you enjoy.**

**Xo,**

**E's**

* * *

My only goal in that moment was to get the fuck out of there without anyone noticing me. I wanted to die. I wanted to lie on the floor like a child and weep. My hope was gone. This dream, this _thing_, I had sitting in the corner of my mind was gone. I knew he was gone. I knew I didn't deserve him to sit around and wait for me, but sadly, I wanted him to. I hoped he would. I wanted to pretend I was so special, so unique and irresistible that he wouldn't be able to move on from me. I knew it was a sad, pathetic little dream but apparently I bought into it much more than I had originally thought because here I was, stuck to the floor, unmoving, unblinking, thinking only of my sorry self.

I had to get out of there before he saw me. Edward was so beautiful and looked so happy. I would have made him miserable. She was around his age and very pretty. Clearly she didn't have children and I highly doubted there was a ring on her finger. _Oh GOD!_ Maybe there was and Edward was the one to put it there. He was ready for marriage and children and maybe they met shortly after we, _he_, ended things and she was just what he'd been looking for. He could introduce her to his family and he could watch her belly get big with his child.

As if I wasn't going into a full blown panic attack before, seeing him here, with someone else…I was so unprepared for this moment. I had wanted to see him, run into him somewhere like this, only in my fantasies he was alone and I wasn't an idiot caught in my own head, about to choke on my tongue like a victim of an epileptic seizure. It couldn't have been more than thirty seconds since I had seen him and yet I felt like I had been frozen in place for hours. He was still touching her, she was still laughing. I couldn't leave now. I would have to walk right past Edward and his date to get to the door. I was scared to go sit back down with my coworkers right now though. I was too freaked out to even pretend to be normal. I did not need to blather on to the ladies about this.

My options were limited and like a scared little girl in the seventh grade, I ducked into the bathroom and hid in a stall. I hated being this person. I felt so timid and scared and bullied by my own stupid brain that wouldn't shut up and wouldn't let me stop being so caught up in my own head. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to go out there and belt out some Katy Perry tune or Pink. I was stronger than this. At least I used to be. I used to be smart and funny. I used to be a friend and a sister. I was creative and talented. I loved dancing and music and the arts. I traveled and read. I was confident and poised and articulate. Where the fuck did all of that go? Now I was just neurotic and anxiety ridden. I had become a pill popping, cheating, sad, pathetic wife and mother who barely had a clue who she was. I wanted to be that strong girl again. I didn't want to be sitting in a bathroom stall holding back tears for a life I had lost.

A voice I hadn't heard in months filtered in through the thin doors of the ladies room. "I know you're still here. This is for you." Edwards's voice was strong and clear—a beacon calling me home. I still couldn't move as I was slightly terrified of what I would find on the other side.

"**I asked her to stay but she wouldn't listen  
She left before I had the chance to say  
The words that would mend the things that were broken  
But now it's far too late, she's gone away"**

Edward? Was he singing to me? _Please God let it be for me._I considered actually dying if it were for her. His voice was so perfect, so beautiful and I cursed myself for nearly crying again. Could I really be this miserable that everything made me want to weep with self-pity?

**Every night you cry yourself to sleep  
Thinking: "Why does this happen to me?  
Why does every moment have to be so hard?"  
Hard to believe that  
**

I crept out of the bathroom and cautiously looked around. Everyone was staring at this perfect man on stage. Even the hideous lighting couldn't take away from him. He glowed. My angel who wore his heart on his sleeve and had the whole time we had been together and I threw it away. I threw him away and wallowed because I was too scared and too stupid to do anything. I was hurting Jake, I was hurting myself, and now I knew, I had been hurting Edward this whole time too. And yet, my selfishness was still not enough to keep him away even though he knew what kind of a person I was.

**It's not over tonight  
Just give me one more chance to make it right  
I may not make it through the night  
I won't go home without you  
**

Part of me wanted to run up on stage and scream, "Yes! Yes! I'll be with you! Let's go home and have sex for hours and hours!" The more rational part of me stood in the doorway and peered around the corner searching for the brunette at the table. When I didn't see her I scanned near the stage. Maybe he had led her to a chair right up front while he serenaded her. But she wasn't there. I couldn't see her anywhere. My heart attempted to soar but got stuck in my throat. Oh God! Not now! I would not get stuck in my head wondering what to do, how to react, what the consequences would be. I was doing this. Over, over, over. It had been over, I knew it, Jake knew it, and here was Edward offering himself to me, giving me a second chance. I made myself step forward from the dark hallway. I prayed I wouldn't have to go much further, I wanted him to see me from where I stood. I wanted this. I wanted him so bad but I wasn't ready to come out to my coworkers as an adulteress.

**The taste of your breath, I'll never get over  
The noises that she made kept me awake  
The weight of things that remained unspoken  
Built up so much it crushed us every day  
**  
His words were so perfect. They drew me to him. I had been ready to get up on stage and rock out some girl empowerment song just moments before and now all I wanted to do was run to that same stage and profess my love over the microphone in front of everyone in the bar. He understood, he got me, he got us. He still wanted me, at least for now. How much longer could I make him wait? He looked up to my spot on the wall and I could sense his tension. He looked like he wanted to cry and I felt the same weight in my chest. He was the only thing that could help me breath. Edward continued to let everyone hear him but I knew he was sharing his voice with me alone.

I kept eye contact with him while he finished the song and made my way back to my table. I leaned over to Charlotte and pointed to my coat. She gave me a curious look and I reflexively glanced at the stage. Her lips tightened as she suppressed a smile. Charlotte handed my coat over to me and winked. I waved goodbye to the girls and moved quickly so as not to have to explain my hasty departure. I stood by the exit and waited for the applause to die down. Edward was good. Damn good. He was lovely to look at but he was made even more beautiful by his talent. He followed my lead and headed for the door. When he got close enough for me to see the stubble on his jaw I closed my eyes briefly to imprint this moment on my brain. When I opened them he was a mere stride away from me and I pushed the heavy metal door open with my back. As I walked through I sensed his hand right behind me holding the door for him to follow me out. The door slammed shut and the world ceased to exist. I knew there were people in the parking lot with us but they didn't matter. The smell of cigarettes nearby wasn't strong enough to take away the heavenly scent of Edward that made me grin like fool, flooding my brain with images of every memory I had of him and I together.

...The first time Edward told me he wanted me…the feel of the mat under my knees as he slid my strap down…his body pressed against mine as the brick scratched my back…the view from his bedroom window…the gentle command in his voice as he slid the popsicle into my hot body…

I shivered at that memory. "Are you cold?" Edward slid his hands up and down my arms. I shook my head "no" and on his final pass down my arms he took my hands in his. They were warm and rough, just as I remembered them. "I missed you."

I looked up through my lashes at him. I wanted so badly to be smooth and sophisticated but all I could manage was a head nod, acknowledging that I missed him too. "That was beautiful. Thank you." I prayed I wasn't being presumptuous—it had to be for me.

"I'm sorry I haven't answered you, your texts. I just, I didn't know what to say. I wanted to tell you how much I missed you. How much it hurt me when you left—when I didn't stop you from leaving," he clarified.

I wanted him to pull me close and kiss me—hard. But that wouldn't work. I knew I wanted to be with him. I was jealous of that other girl. I had no guilt about Jacob. I wanted Edward. I wanted to spend Sundays with him and snuggle with him while we watched a movie. I wanted to go running together and call him when the mood struck me. Mostly I wanted to kiss him. I took my hands out of his and snuck them up under his coat. I pressed my hands to his back and pulled him to me, leaning up on my toes I gently pressed my mouth to his. Gentle, so very gentle. I heard the words he sang to me, I knew it had to mean something, but I couldn't push just in case he was only emotional over seeing me. Maybe he was just caught up in the moment of seeing me and I needed to test the waters. Edward leaned into my body, mimicking my hold and pressed me further into him. He opened his mouth and deepened the kiss, pulling me into the beautiful, warm memories of him. We stayed there, kissing, rubbing each other's backs, holding one another, and reminding ourselves why we started this in the first place despite our differences.

Edward's hands came up to cup my face and leaned into his palms. "I missed you," he whispered. "I promised I wouldn't push you. I knew what I was getting into, I just wasn't prepared to feel so much."

I knew he was staring at me, his sorrowful, deep eyes penetrating through my closed lids. I didn't want to but I had to stop. "Edward, I miss you too. So very much. And I'm sorry I didn't leave you alone. You should be happy and uncomplicated. And I'm not either of those things."

"Right now, maybe."

"Not ever, maybe."

"You deserve to be happy too. Why do you keep punishing yourself?"

I sighed heavily. "Please," I begged, "I can't do this here. Not right now. Your song was so beautiful and it was so perfect and I don't want to end this in tears."

"I meant it though. It wasn't a line. Please come home with me tonight. We don't have to do anything. I just want to hold you again. You're so warm," he nuzzled my throat and squeezed my hips, "and soft. I don't want to let you go again."

"I know. Me either. If you can just give me time. I know I've asked before. I tried, I did, I know I can do it now. At this point," I exhaled shakily, "I don't have a choice. I can't promise you tonight, but it's over. I'm scared and I just don't want to hurt anyone. Not you—not anyone—and it's all I've done. I can't help but hurt people and I'm trying to figure out how to save everyone's feelings and it's not working."

"You're hurting yourself too. I won't go away like before, I'll wait. If you promise me, I'll promise you."

I nodded dumbly. He slid his hand to the small of my back and guided me over to the waiting cabs outside the bar. He settled me inside and kissed my forehead before closing the door. He leaned into the passenger window and handed the driver some money. I had no will to argue. I needed someone to take care of me this time and I wanted to let him.

The cab pulled up and I saw the light still on upstairs. It was past two so I was sure Jacob was passed out. I snuck into the house not too worried about making noise. Jake had been good for a bit, but had gone back to drinking more than I liked. We hashed it out in therapy though so I tried not to make a big deal. After all, he was an adult. We decided that as long as it didn't interfere with his parenting, work, or our relationship. Basically, as long as he wasn't being a dick. If I was being honest, I was glad he been drinking more; it gave me more freedom.

I pulled out my phone as I set down my bag. Edward hadn't disappointed. There was a text from him telling me how happy he was to have seen my and how much he regreted the fact that we weren't together. I texted back that I was home and that we would see each other very soon. I hadn't been hitting the gym as much since our fight and I not so subtly told him I wanted some private lessons when we were together again.

The house was silent and I headed straight upstairs to check on the kids. I sighed heavily watching them sleep. Would Paul hate me for taking him away from his father? Would Becca lose faith in marriage and the possibilities of it? Would they be happier if I was? They would ask for him every day. Would Jake stay around here to see them or go back to La Push? I was pretty sure he might threaten, but he wouldn't fight me on custody. They would live with me full time and he would be able to see them whenever he wanted. He was their father and that wouldn't change. Neither of us would allow it. I smoothed the blankets and picked up some dirty clothes. I would talk to Jake first thing tomorrow. Well, first I would bring the kids to Rose's house. I didn't want them here. Then I would talk to Jake. If I got up early enough he'd never even notice until I woke him up. _What a shitty way to wake up._

Satisfied that the kids were blissfully unaware I made my way back down stairs. I would sleep on the couch. It didn't feel right knowing I was telling him it was over to lay next to Jake and fake it any more than I already had. I got a glass of water and made my way into the living room. I nearly dropped my glass when I saw Jacob sitting in our old rocker. He was hunched over, but clearly awake. His shoulders were shaking slightly and my stomach dropped. _Oh God, was it his father?_ At my gasp Jake picked up his head and I could see that he had his cell phone clutched tightly in his hands.

Thinking something was wrong with Billy made me feel nervous and awful. What my senses processed over the next few seconds made me want to vomit all over the floor. It wasn't Jake's cell phone, it was mine. My old phone. His eyes were red from crying but he wasn't upset, he was angry, furious. He held out the phone at me and my mind buzzed with every conceivable piece of information that phone held.

"How. Fucking. Long. Bella." It was a question but his words were dead. Flat with no inflection. Venom poured from his mouth and his eyes.

"Everyone knew. Everyone but me." His voice remained low for the moment, but I knew him. Knew he was building up to something more and I was beginning to get scared. "You fucking lying bitch." Jake never spoke to me like that. My brain was scrambling for excuses. Trying to figure out how much he knew. What exactly had I said? Were there answered texts from Edward? How far back did it go? Fuck, what had I said to Jessica? All my passwords were on there. Did he check my emails? Did he see the pictures I had sent to Edward? Oh fuck. Oh fuck. Fuckfuckfuck. This was bad. So very, very bad.

"You have one chance to tell me the truth. Be careful what you say Bella."

I swallowed thickly. I had to tell him the truth, but how much? What did he really want to hear? No one wants to hear details, right? That would be sadistic or masochistic. Deep breaths. Just get it out there. Short and simple. Like a cross examination. Just answer the questions and don't offer anything extra.

If only I had been able to think like that. My brain, however, was still swirling with alcohol fumes and the delicious taste of Edward. There were no coherent thoughts, it was all warm muscles and panic bubbling up. How long had I been standing here? Had I answered him yet? Had I spoken? The cell phone whipped past my head and cracked loudly against the opposite wall.

"Save your fucking tears."

Was I crying? I was scared. Of Jake. Of the truth. "I, I, uh…" I could barely catch my breath as anxiety set in. "I want a divorce Jake!" I gushed out. I was a ball of pathetic tears and it took everything in me not to go on the defensive and start with excuses of our marriage or worse, Jake.

"Well no shit." He bit out. "I was so fucking stupid Bella. Has this been going on since you first told me you wanted one?" I shook my head though I had no idea if I was agreeing or not at this point. "I thought we could fix this. I have worked so hard and been so patient with you and this is how _you_ work on our marriage? This is your way of _fixing_ things? FUCK! Did you seriously fuck someone else?"

He began pacing the small room. His hands continued to clench into fists like he was missing something and I was too scared to look over at my old mangled phone on the ground. He stalked by me to the other side of the room while I stood frozen in place. I was positive at this point, despite my limited control, that I wasn't even blinking. As I attempted to stifle a sob I made an undignified whimpering sound. Jake's head whipped around in my direction, his ire growing. He stomped back toward me and raised his fist, his elbow jacked up high in the air. He moved it quickly, just a fraction of an inch as his face tightened up, and I flinched.

"STOP ACTING LIKE I'M GONNA FUCKING HURT YOU!"

I stood still. I couldn't move. I couldn't think anymore. I just needed this to be over. The room became silent but I couldn't bring myself to turn around or leave the safety of my own head. If I moved then I was reacting to him. If I stayed just as I would he couldn't get to me. He would grow bored and move on and I could eventually collapse in on myself.

"You wanted a divorce? You got it."

As he walked out he swiped his arm at a photo on the wall. I heard the glass break as it hit the floor just before I did.


End file.
